BACHELORS AND BACHELORETTES
Translated from the Hebrew by Naaman Tammuz
The crazy and hilarious mating dance of five characters ā two single women and three single men. Couples break up as quickly as they assemble, with every potential bride and groom mutually disgusted by their partner. All the petty egoistic desires, all the rose-tinted dreams, mingle and clash with the reality of humiliation and contempt. āIām the tragic character that comedies are about!ā, says one of the not-so-young bachelors. Arenāt we all.
Cast of Characters
ZNEIDUCH
FLOTSIKA
HRABINO
BULBA
OISTVIND, a fat man
All of them are bachelors and bachelorettes in their thirties.
The entire plot takes place in FLOTSIKAās flat, in BULBAās flat, and in the corridor connecting the two.
SCENE 1
ZNEIDUCH and FLOTSIKA are sitting gloomily, in their underwear, on the bed, their shoulders hunched.
ZNEIDUCH: (To the audience.) I donāt love her. In two months weāre getting married. Thatās just how it is.
(Sighs and lies down on the bed, turns his back to her and prepares to sleep. She shakes him, pushes herself up against him, rides on his hips, moans with desire, he turns to the audience.)
And itās always this shouting, moaning, writhing, hysteria. But I happen to like it European-style, like an English funeral ā total silence, light mist, put it into the hole, only a very brief commotion, and then home.
(Turns his back to her, tries to fall asleep. She starts shaking him again. He sits up. To the audience.)
Sheās not really pretty. Not really attractive, no, not really. Iām also not much to look at, really. And somehow everythingās actually not that real, and life in general is a bit, how can I put itā¦youāre alive, thatās true, but itās like the realness is somehow running away from you. Nonsense. Itās a shame.
(Tries to get up from the bed.)
FLOTSIKA: Where to?
ZNEIDUCH: Home.
FLOTSIKA: Arenāt you going to stay and sleep here?
ZNEIDUCH: What for? Wasnāt I here? Didnāt a conversation take place? Didnāt animal the animal instincts rage? What more do you want?
FLOTSIKA: To sleep together.
ZNEIDUCH: Weāll stick to each other after the wedding.
FLOTSIKA: I love you!
ZNEIDUCH: I heard you! After the wedding!
FLOTSIKA: Just give a little bit of yourself, why are you being so stingy!? What does it cost you for us to sleep next to each other? You canāt even feel it. Will you stay?
ZNEIDUCH: No.
FLOTSIKA: Give me a little bit of satisfaction.
ZNEIDUCH: I donāt feel like it.
FLOTSIKA: Iām really begging.
ZNEIDUCH: No, I donāt feel like it.
FLOTSIKA: You probably think youāre so great to have someone begging you. Who are you? Tell me, who are you?
ZNEIDUCH: Here we go again with the āwho are youā? Who are you and what are you, and what are you and who are you! What do I care who I am? The main thing is that I am!
(Starts getting dressed.)
FLOTSIKA: And when are we going to meet?
ZNEIDUCH: Saturday evening.
FLOTSIKA: That long?
ZNEIDUCH: Everything passes.
FLOTSIKA: (Gets up and hugs him.) Do you love your lawful fiancƩ?
ZNEIDUCH: As required.
FLOTSIKA: Do you love? I want to hear the word. Do you love?
ZNEIDUCH: As required.
FLOTSIKA: Say the word!
ZNEIDUCH: I donāt feel like it.
FLOTSIKA: Iām really begging.
ZNEIDUCH: No, I donāt feel like it.
FLOTSIKA: (Snatches his trousers from his hands and runs to the corner of the room.) Youāre mine! Mine!
ZNEIDUCH: Give me the trousers!
FLOTSIKA: Mine, mine!
ZNEIDUCH: After the wedding!
FLOTSIKA: Now!
ZNEIDUCH: After the wedding! Weāll sleep next to each other after the wedding, trousers after the wedding, everything after the wedding!
FLOTSIKA: Now, now! I want to be together, together, mine, one flesh, one soul, everything one, together, united!
ZNEIDUCH: (Chases her around.) The trousers, you witch! What are you wrinkling them for? Why are you flailing around like a gorilla? Are you a gorilla? So just say that youāre a gorilla and weāll each draw our own conclusions!
(Manages to grab his trousers from her, puts them on angrily.)
āTogether, together!ā ā from the day I met you I havenāt stopped hearing about together and about being united! Go and sleep together with your own nose! Shoo! Not another sound! Get out, quietly, on your tiptoes, like a silent ballerinaā¦
FLOTSIKA: Out? From my own house?
ZNEIDUCH: I forgot, sorryā¦in! To the toilet, quietly, on your tiptoes, like a silent ballerina! And donāt show your face until next Saturday evening! Not this one ā the next one!
(While hastily putting on his trousers, angrily, to himself.)
Why didnāt I get electrocuted when I was five, when I stuck those knitting needles into the wall socket, I would have died with a fantastic potential future ahead of me, and Iād also have been asleep now for twenty-five years straight; she could shout ātogether!ā for a thousand years ā Iād be in a deep, beautiful, eternal slumber, and above all: alone! Shame. Nonsense.
(Finishes putting his trousers on. She tries to push herself against him again, he wriggles free as though from a sticky paste, runs to the do...