Albion

Chris Thompson

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781783196456
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Emigration & Immigration
• Index: Social Sciences

'bless this country, God bless karaoke and God save the Queen.' It's karaoke night at The Albion, a proper East End boozer and the unofficial home of the English Protection Army. Paul runs the pub, girlfriend Christine rules the roost, and little brother Jayson hosts the karaoke. On the eve of a demonstration tensions are running high. The mosque want to build a community centre next door and the English Protection Army aren't happy. Paul is going to fight this tooth and nail, but he knows the public won't listen to a bunch of hooligans. Meanwhile, younger brother Jayson thinks this could be his time to shine. Family or not, this is England and it's time to take it back. Albion examines the turbulent rise of the new far right in modern day Britain. When they embrace diversity, just how far can the far right go?

Act Two

12.

EYE OF THE TIGER

Enter PAUL, KYLE and JAYSON. JAYSON is bleeding from his head. He’s pumped. Music from the start.

JAYSON: Did you fucking see me? Swear down I was gonna bang out, Bruv.

PAUL: Jayson will you just calm the fuck down please, I’ve got the BBC coming.

KYLE: Are you gonna denounce the violence?

PAUL: I don’t have much choice, do I?

Help me move these tables, would you?

KYLE: Don’t denounce it. Own it.

PAUL: Own it? We can’t keep coming across like that. We’re putting them off.

KYLE: Putting who off?

PAUL: Look at Facebook, Kyle: we got social workers, teachers, doctors, all sorts that oppose this community centre opening. They back us up on Facebook, but the reason they don’t come on the marches, Kyle, is because of the shit that went down out there just now and that goes on every fucking time we demonstrate.

KYLE: We are who we are, Paul.

PAUL: Help me move this shit, will you? No. We’re more than just a bunch of football hooligans.

JAYSON: So why was there monkey noises then?

KYLE: Shut your mouth, now, innit, Jayson.

JAYSON: No you shut your mouth, Kyle, I’m fucking defending you.

KYLE: They weren’t doing them at me. They like me.

PAUL: Did any of it get filmed?

KYLE: I don’t know, do I? They was doing it at some African copper.

PAUL: If they filmed it then they’ll show it. Fuck. And you, Jayson. What the fuck were you doing acting like them lot?

KYLE: Them boys want action, Paul. You’re holding us back.

PAUL: No, I’m holding us together.

KYLE: How are you holding us together?

PAUL: How am I holding you together?

Kyle, let me ask you a question.

KYLE: This’ll be good.

PAUL: Do you agree with gay marriage?

KYLE: No. Of course I don’t.

JAYSON: Typical.

PAUL: Jayson, let me ask you a question. Why are the majority of people in prison black?

KYLE: How would you even know if that’s true?

JAYSON: I’d imagine it’s true.

KYLE: You’d imagine it’s true? Why would you imagine it’s true?

JAYSON: You see some crime on the news and nine times out of ten –

KYLE: Nine times out of ten.

JAYSON: Well maybe not nine times, but –

KYLE: How much then?

JAYSON: I don’t know, do I?

KYLE: Is it less than that? Or more?

JAYSON: Don’t start on me. You just said you don’t believe in gay marriage.

Homophobe.

KYLE: Racist.

PAUL: And you ask me how I’m holding you together.

We are not all comfortable bedfellows –

JAYSON: You’d love to be my bedfellow innit, though, Kyle.

KYLE: Is this batty man flirting with me?

PAUL: Every time we go on a demo, like today – it’s a perfect example – the boys that turn up want a fight. So I’m gonna do this BBC interview and put the record straight. I’m gonna be calm and measured and statesman-like and try and undo this shitstorm you lot have created. We’re patriots, proud patriots.

(To KYLE.) You look like you’re hearing this for the first time.

KYLE: I might as well be.

PAUL: IT’S THE FUCKING TELLY. I can’t talk like I’m down the pub.

JAYSON: You are down the pub though.

PAUL: Yes I’m down the pub, on the telly. I need to sound…I need to sound…

KYLE: You need to sound right.

PAUL: (Sings verse one and then the chorus, omitting verse two.)

Enter JOURNALIST.

JOURNALIST: All set?

PAUL: Hello love, yep.

JOURNALIST: They’ll introduce us from the studio, I’ll ask you a couple of questions, and then that’ll be it. Does that work for you?

PAUL: Perfect, darling, yeah.

JOURNALIST: We’ve got about twenty seconds, so let’s have you in position. Are you OK with a couple of questions about your sister?

PAUL: No.

KYLE: Yes.

JOURNALIST: Sorry which is it?

PAUL: Don’t be giving me no aggro, alright?

Jayson get the fucking blood off you.

KYLE: We have to talk about Poppy.

PAUL: She’s off limits.

JAYSON and PAUL assemble on the karaoke area in front of the camera. JAYSON stands to PAUL’s left. He puts his balaclava on just before they go live.

Kyle. We’re on.

JOURNALIST: OK, this is us now. And don’t call me darling, please.

PAUL: Kyle. Come on. We need more than bloody two of us.

KYLE remains ‘off screen’ and shakes his head.

JOURNALIST gestures ‘Three…two…one.’

PAUL: Don’t fuck me over you b –

JOURNALIST: Thanks, Alice. I’m here at the Albion pub in Tower Hamlets and with me is the leader of the EPA, Paul Ryman. Paul Ryman, are you a racist organisation?

PAUL: No. Absolutely not.

JOURNALIST: We’ve just seen footage of today’s demonstration and we can clearly see –

PAUL: Anyone who thinks we’re racis...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two