Great Apes

Patrick Marmion, Will Self

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781786824738
• eBook ISBN: 9781786824745
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Television

Originally a novel by Will Self, Great Apes is a hilarious, disturbing and dazzlingly original take on man's place in the evolutionary chain. When Turner Prize-winning artist Simon Dykes wakes up one morning after a wild night out, he finds his world has changed beyond recognition. His girlfriend, Sarah, has turned into a chimpanzee. And to his horror, so has everyone else. Immediately rushed to hospital, Simon is taken into the care of charismatic radical psychiatrist Zack Busner and treated for being under the psychotic delusion that he's human. This raucous new stage adaptation from Patrick Marmion (The Divided Laing) mixes razor-sharp language with movement and puppetry, journeying into the mystery of what it means to be a human being.

Act One

STUDIO

An artist’s warehouse studio.

A man in a t-shirt, jeans and trainers hangs by one arm from an overhead girder, surveying a huge invisible painting.

He is SIMON DYKES, an artist in his thirties.

Below him a scruffy seven-year-old BOY with tangled hair wearing a loincloth plays with a toy chimp.

A noise is heard off. SIMON and the BOY look at one another. The BOY runs off. SIMON drops from the beam and straightens up.

LEVINSON: (Off.) Hello? Simon?

A man in a sharp suit, big glasses and red bow tie enters. He is GEORGE LEVINSON.

LEVINSON: Simon. Are you alright? You left the door open.

SIMON: Disastrous for a painter.

LEVINSON: What?

SIMON: To lose your sense of perspective.

LEVINSON: For drawing?

SIMON: No. Like the figures in this painting. Trapped in a few millimetres of oil and pigment. Like microbes on a slide.

LEVINSON turns to look at the painting.

LEVINSON: Oh my god… Simon… These are what… Like chimpanzees?

SIMON: The teddy bears have evolved.

LEVINSON: Yes, I can see that. You sure you’re OK? No one’s seen you for weeks. Fuck me… This is like what…?

SIMON: An aeroplane at zero gravity. Travelling at thirty-two metres per second before impact on an empty reservoir in Staines.

LEVINSON: And they’re all chimps?

SIMON: Yes. Now I want my life back. I want to feel human again. Homo erectus. Get hammered. They’re all yours.

SIMON hands LEVINSON a large bunch of keys.

LEVINSON: Will you be at Sealink later?

SIMON: Yeah.

SIMON’s phone rings.

SIMON: (To LEVINSON.) I’ll text you.

SIMON answers the phone.

SIMON: Hey, monkey…

SIMON exits.

LEVINSON lingers a moment then follows.

SEALINK

SARAH enters typing on a phone and drinking a cocktail.

Enter two thirty-somethings bearing drinks: TABITHA and TONY FIGES.

TABITHA: (Chewing gum.) Poor little Sara-kins. All on your lonesome.

SARAH: Fuck off Tabitha. (To TONY.) Tony.

TONY: Looking good Sarah.

SARAH: Eyes only Tony.

TONY: I can dream.

SARAH: Yeah. Be careful what you wish for.

TABITHA unfurls a tape and starts measuring SARAH.

SARAH: What’s she doing!?

TONY: Sizing you up for a new piece.

TABITHA: Collection of coffins and urns.

SARAH: What’s it called?

TABITHA: All My Friends and Relatives.

SIMON enters, looks around and sees them.

SARAH shrugs TABITHA off and goes to SIMON. They kiss candidly.

SARAH: Finished?

SIMON: Finished.

Prompted by TABITHA, SIMON raises his arms into a crucifixion pose as TABITHA measures him up.

SARAH takes SIMON by his belt buckle.

SARAH: I’ve got something for you.

SARAH leads SIMON forward…

TOILETS

The sound of toilet cisterns and piped Vivaldi.

A waiter in black carries a designer toilet seat. They proffer cocktail straws to SARAH and SIMON.

SARAH and SIMON snuffle up a line each. The waiter exits.

SARAH: Did you hear about your boys?

SIMON: Yes. She got custody.

SARAH: Oh Simon…

SIMON: It’s fucked up. I’ve fucked up everything in my life. Now it’s pay back time and I’ve lost my children.

SARAH: Do you want to talk?

SIMON: No. I want to escape.

SARAH touches SIMON’s face and kisses him. She pulls out an amulet on a necklace and holds it up to the light.

SIMON seizes the necklace and examines it.

SARAH: It’s from the Maeterlincki tribespeople in the Amazon rainforest. God, Simon, I’ve missed you. I want to fuck your brains out.

SIMON jams himself into SARAH. They snog vigorously as he hitches up her skirt.

The toilet door is kicked open.

TABITHA: Jesus, you two. You’re like bonobo monkeys. Can’t it wait?

SIMON and SARAH separate.

SIMON: They’re apes, not monkeys. Same as us.

TABITHA: Speak for yourself. Have an E.

SARAH takes a tab of E off TABITHA.

SIMON: I shouldn’t. I’ve got to work tomorrow. I open next week.

TABITHA: Next week is the dark side of this moon, wouldn’t you say Simon?

TABITHA pops an E in SIMON’s mouth.

SEALINK

SIMON, SARAH and TABITHA step back into the bar. It has filled up.

TONY is shouting with a drunk woman. LEVINSON looks on.

WOMAN: (Scouse accent.) Contemporary art is shit.

TONY: All of it?

WOMAN: Yes all of it. What are you?

TONY: I’m a critic.

WOMAN: A critic! Aren’t you shamed!?

SIMON: (To TONY.) Who’s this?

WOMAN: Who am I? Who the fuck are you?

SIMON: Simon Dykes.

WOMAN: Seriously? The artist? Jesus! Your work is the worst of the shit!

SIMON: (To TONY.) I like this woman.

TABITHA: (To WOMAN.) You’re in.

TABITHA starts measuring her up.

WOMAN: And who the fuck are you?

TABITHA: Tabitha Buckfast.

WOMAN: Oh no… I’ve heard about you.

The sound of gunfire is heard: two men dressed as JIHADISTS step into the bar and level AK-47s at the crowd.

Silence.

LEVINS...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Act One
• Act Two