All The Things I Lied About

Katie Bonna

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781786821898
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Would the world be a better place if we were all honest? Fringe First winner Katie Bonna is giving a TED talk on the science of lying. Well, that's not quite true. TED haven't actually asked her to do one – yet. From duping her sister into drinking wee to repeated infidelities, Katie unpicks her history to confront humanity's obsession with fibs.

A round, red rug centre stage.

KATIE enters. She is dressed smartly and wearing a head-mic, which is not turned on during the introduction. This opening section can be ad-libbed if the performer is happy to do so. It’s important to explain what TED talks are, what your talk will be about and to read the commandments, but feel free to frame it however works best for you.

KATIE: Hello! How are you? Thank you so much for being here.

I’m Katie. Bonna. I just wanted to – before we begin – I just wanted to explain that when I found out I was going to be here tonight, with you, I realized that it would be the perfect opportunity for me to perform my TED talk. Yeah.

I should say that TED haven’t actually asked me to do a talk.

Yet.

You need to be science-y

Or an expert in something

Or significant in

Any way.

Has everyone here seen a TED talk before? If you haven’t – don’t worry! All you need to know, is that your life is about to change.

Basically they are short, inspiring, fascinating talks that you can watch online. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design – not just a guy’s name, which is what I thought originally. But I’ve seen a TED talk about space travel and another one about, like, apples – so they can be about anything, really.

If you have seen one, then you might recognize some typical TED features that I’ll be incorporating in my talk tonight. The red circle rug, for example – classic. I even have the head-mic, which I am very excited about. One of my life aims when I was younger was to be Janet Jackson, so I feel this has brought me one step closer.

There will also be some parts of my talk, which will stray slightly from the usual TED format. I’ll be using my background in theatre to shake things up a bit – oo er – and there will be some moments of audience participation. Nothing too scary, don’t worry! And obviously you don’t have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. Although, I think it’s fair to say that some people in the theatre will judge you if don’t join in. I mean, I won’t, but some people might.

My talk is about lying, because – well, without giving away any spoilers, it has affected my life quite a lot.

In terms of the content of my talk, TED are quite specific about that.

They issue each potential speaker

With what they call the ten TED Commandments –

I read online that they are delivered to you

Carved into a stone.

I know.

I mean, I’m pretty sure that isn’t true, but…

I’ve used them to create my talk today:

(She takes a much used piece of paper from her pocket and reads from it.)

‘Thou shalt’ – it doesn’t actually say ‘thou shalt’ – I just like to add it!

‘Thou shalt dream big,

Share an idea that could change the world.’

I’m pretty sure this one will…

‘Thou shalt be vulnerable.’

Don’t worry I won’t be getting too personal!

‘Thou shalt tell stories.’

And mine is: a hero story to victory – through darkness!

‘Thou shalt make us laugh.’

(I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve)

‘Don’t be boastful’ –

(As if I would be)

‘Comment on other speakers from the stage’ –

Ok, well there is an excellent play coming up at this theatre called (insert show name), which is really fantastic I mean, seriously go and see it: so – so – good!

‘Thou shalt not sell’ ok ‘or ask for funding,’

‘No reading of notes or rambling,’

‘End your talk on time,’

‘And rehearse in front of a trusted friend.’

Or a theatre full of strangers in (insert place name) –

They would probably say if they were here!

Ok, so in a minute Julia – that’s Julia – hi Julia! – will do some fancy music and lighting to really set the appropriate atmosphere for my talk and then I’ll enter. And if you can welcome me, as if it’s the first time I’ve walked on stage, that would be amazing!

You are going to feel really great after this.

(KATIE leaves the stage. Her head-mic comes on. She speaks to herself under her breath, not realizing she can be heard on stage.)

Come on Katie – you’ve got this. Be the change you want to see. Be the change you want to see.

(KATIE enters carrying a ballot box. It’s a big, dramatic entrance using haze and moving lights. She is transformed from a few moments ago into a confident, polished public speaker.)

I have always had a fascination with dishonesty, a fascination which has recently become an obsession. Because we now live in a world where lies have led us to the cusp of leaving Europe and a reality TV star has fibbed his way into the White House. A world where beliefs and emotions are valued over facts. We now live in a post-truth world.

I believe myself to be an honest person. Who else aspires to be honest in their life? Raise your hand! (Join in people!) Well, in that case, join me on my quest: a quest to discover how the post-truth world was created and what we can do to destroy it. Together, we can become Warriors Of Truth.

(Heroic sound effect.)

If we want to understand the dishonesty around us, we first need to understand the dishonesty inside ourselves. What can we learn from our own behaviour?

(She opens the ballot box and takes out a book.)

I decided to keep a lie diary – or, as I like to call it, a liary (she shows them the book, it is called ‘Katie’s Liary’) – to keep track of my own fibbing in day-to-day life.

(Reading from the liary.)

‘Day one. Lie one. 8.15am.

I told my girlfriend that my yoga practice was ‘grueling and intense’. She seemed pretty impressed. In reality, I spent most of the session Googling pictures of Donald Trump’s tiny hands. So tiny.

Day one. Lie fifteen. 2.30pm.

Whilst working with my acting students, I mentioned something that my teacher at RADA once told me. A gasp of awe rippled round the circle. ‘You went to RADA?’ they ask. ‘Yeah’, I tell them.

I didn’t go on to explain that I actually did a six-part evening course at RADA. On script writing.

Day one. Lie twenty-two. 5.36pm.

I just claimed not to understand the rules and regulations of Peak-Time travel and pretended to cry, so that a train guard would waive the £20 fine I clearly owed the rail company.’

I’m not claiming that my f...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Note on The Text
• Chapter