CHAPTER 1
Introduction
For so long, I heard those words, and yet they never really âclicked.â I read so many books and took so many courses. I tried affirmations, and they worked for a limited time. I tried them all. I listened to the promises. I read the secret behind âthe secretâ â that there is a magic way to manifest the love of your life; the car of your dreams, how to win the lottery â how to âhave it all.â The manifesting gurus insist there is a specific way to visualise, to meditate, to dream, to stand, to use affirmations, to use music, etc., etc., etc. On and on it goes. There are thousands of books, tapes, CDs, and techniques available, some of which are magnificent and most of which work â temporarily.
This book is going to try to give you some clues about why all those wonderful techniques you tried â and which may have worked for you in the beginning â are forgotten when you get back into ânormalâ life so you are back to where you began. All of them have failed you, and they will continue to fail you because what they forget to mention is the underlying silent hackers that plague us all. These silent hackers are quietly playing havoc in our lives.
Silent Hackers
One of those silent hackers is the language we use. We have been taught to speak negatively. Yes, from the very beginning of our lives, one of the first words we hear is âNo!â Then, the next thing we become aware of is âdonât do thisâ âdonât do that.â It is in our everyday language. We say the words every minute of every day without appreciating what we are saying. We never hear what we are saying. You receive an email, see advertising, or a sign which implores you to âdonât missâ this; or âyou donât want to missâ that; âdonât forget such and suchâ or âdonât park here.â
All of this language is spoken or written unconsciously. Have you ever stopped to consider what these messages are really saying to you, and more importantly, how you âhearâ them? Do you realise how much power is contained in the words you write and say? Have you ever stopped to consider the power of the thoughts you think and how the words you speak impact yourself as well as others?
In my life, I have become acutely aware of the impact of the words which come out of my mouth and those I write. I have become conscious of the thoughts I am thinking. In the past, I was unconscious, walking around speaking and saying things which I expected people to understand, and was surprised when I got a completely different reaction to the one expected or more commonly blank looks of bewilderment.
Recently, I have been working with a 13-year-old who is considered âon the spectrum.â1 He is an absolute delight to speak with, and we connected when I showed him the following sign.
Photo: Woolworths Chirnside Park, Victoria
He was immediately able to identify the mixed messages displayed. One is a positive message âPlease return your trolley hereâ; the other one is confusing â does it mean âremember to take your bags INTO the supermarketâ or âremember to take your bags out of the trolley?â
People âon the spectrumâ read this sign literally. They read the words âpark your trolley hereâ and âforgetâ your bags. They are unable to process the negative word âdonât.â They will process the word âforgetâ before they process anything else.
An interesting example on the subject of working with children on the spectrum occurred for my daughter-in-law, who is a Grade 2 teacher. She had a young child at school who was removed from the classroom because he was disruptive. Another teacher took the child to her office and said the child could play with a ball, as a means to distract and calm him. The child heard the words âyou can play with the ballâ to mean he can play with the ball in the hallway as well as in the teacherâs office; in fact, he can play with the ball anywhere he likes. He could not comprehend that he should only play with the ball in the teacherâs office, because that was not what she said. He took her literally when she said, âyou can play with the ball.â If the teacherâs aim was to calm the child, it would have been better for the child to be taken to the sensory room so he could calm himself by reading or listening to music.
What is the real intent of your communication? When you speak, are you speaking consciously? What are you manifesting by the words you are saying and the thoughts you are thinking? Are you like the teacher above who told the child to âplay with the ballâ when she meant for him to play quietly with the ball in her office?
Just for a moment, remember the words your mother or father said to you as a child. âItâs not your turn to speakâ; âdonât cross the roadâ; âdonât runâ; âchildren should be seen and not heardâ; âdonât make a mess with your ice creamâ; âdonât be nervousâ; âyouâll get hurt if you do thatâ; âdonât leave the lights onâ; âdonât be afraidâ; âdonât cryâ; âdonât get out of bedâ; âdonât moveâ; âdonât forgetâ âdonât bother me right nowâ. How have those words affected you?
How did the words your teachers spoke influenced the way you learn? âYou are no goodâ; âyou are a lazy good for nothing, useless son of a b****â; âdonât slam the doorâ; donât listen to your negative talkâ; âthereâs not a creative bone in your bodyâ; âyouâre a loserâ; âyouâll never be successfulâ; âyouâll never amount to anythingâ; âyouâre no good atâŚâ
How have the words your siblings said to you affected the way you react to them and to life? âYouâre just a mistakeâ; âyouâre a loserâ; âyouâre a dummyâ; âyouâre just a moron.â
How have all of these statements governed the way you deal with life? How have the words written in a text message damaged a relationship? How have the words spoken by a partner affected your self-esteem?
Words impact our lives every minute of every day. They have the power to lift us up or knock us down. They have the power to make us feel good or bad; they can boost our self-esteem or cause us to wallow in self-hatred. They have the power to elevate our belief in ourselves or to deplete the very fabric of our existence. There is a whole chapter following on The Secrets to Self-Esteem over Self-Harm.
The more we become conscious of the language we use, the more we understand the full force of those words. Have you heard people say âthis is killing me?â Or what about âthat drives me crazy,â or even worse, âthis drives me insane?â I have caught myself being astounded at things a friend does and saying âYou are insaneâ, or âYou are crazyâ. I now hear these words as criticism. There is an epidemic of Alzheimerâs and dementia in the world today. Is it possible that these diseases have been self-manifested? It is impossible, of course, for me to say, as I am not aware of any definitive research into language and disease, but it would be an interesting PhD. subject. In the chapter How What You Say Manifests Health or Disease, the aspect of language on health is examined a little further.
Unfortunately, most of us have no idea we are speaking in the negative. We, therefore, fail to realise how much this impacts our lives. We are limiting ourselves and each other.
When we say words such as âdonât be surprised,â what do we really mean? Am I supposed to be surprised, or astonished, or am I supposed to expect something⌠as in âdonât be surprised when IâŚâ
When you say âdonât slam the door,â do you mean âplease close the door quietly?â What about âdonât talk so loudly?â Do you mean âcan you please talk softly?â Does âdonât make a mess in the kitchenâ really mean âif you prepare something in the kitchen, can you please clean up after yourselfâ or âplease leave the kitchen clean?â Does âdonât be afraidâ really mean âyou may experience a little fear, and just know that you are safe?â Or does it mean âIâm concerned about you?â
What about âI canât tell yo...