Kiss Me Like You Mean It

Chris Chibnall

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• ISBN:
  9781849435642
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Three A.M. on a hot midsummer's night in Manchester. A party taking place in a shabby Victorian terrace house. In the back garden Tony and Ruth meet, thanks to a stolen can of beer. On the floor above, Don and Edie are having a party of their own. As the night progresses, love is definitely in the air – but then so is the smell of cheap lager. And even cheaper aftershave. Kiss Me Like You Mean It was shortlisted for the Meyer-Whitworth Award, and has subsequently been produced in various venues around the world, including a successful three month run in Paris in 2004.

ACT TWO

_______________

Twenty-ish minutes later.

We can no longer see the ground floor and garden. The house has moved down a level. The first floor now rests on the stage. It has opened out to reveal DON and EDIE's flat. Above it, we see the top and outside of the house leading up to the roof. A metal fire escape staircase lines the left side of the house.

The sun is beginning to rise, bathing the exterior in a beautiful glow which progresses along with the Act. ‘Just One Look’ by Doris Troy plays. After the first three lines of vocals, the lights come up.

EDIE and DON's flat. Filled with mementoes of two shared lives. Old, previously expensive carpet, now tatty. Ditto the furniture. End of Empire feel.

After a little of the song, EDIE dances in. Sings, beautifully, passionately along with the song. As she does this, she begins to gut the flat. She flings open all the cupboards and pulls out every single bottle that she can find. She places them all together on the large dining table. She's creating mess. Boisterous. There is a handwritten piece of A4 pinned randomly to the wall which is headed ‘AGENDA’.

After another verse, DON comes in, also dancing and singing. The two of them dance a perfectly orchestrated routine, singing all the words. They continue to empty all the drink cupboards onto the table – lots of glasses, too.

The two characters are both full of life and physically agile. They retain the verve of eighteen year olds.

DON: Flamin’ Nora, Edie, my old feller feels like it's done ten rounds with Henry Cooper!

EDIE: That smell's still haunting me. Curry and rubber, eurgh.

DON: Lucky I wasn't set on using it.

EDIE: (Proud.) I promised you a good ’un though, didn't I?

EDIE brings out a bottle of champagne from the back of the cupboard. It's very dusty. She places it at the front of the table.

DON: What're you doin’?!

EDIE: It's our bottle!

DON: What's it sitting there for?

EDIE: I thought – just before – we'd have it.

DON: It's our rainy day champagne.

EDIE: We'll have it with sunrise instead.

DON: But –

EDIE: (Suddenly stern.) No arguments, Don. We agreed.

DON: Alright.

EDIE: No point it just sitting there.

DON: That beef and kidney was terrific and all.

EDIE: Butchers on Smethwick's. He's allus had an eye for me. Right.

DON: How long have I got?

EDIE: About fifty minutes. Sun rises four fifty-two or thereabouts. That's what paper reckons anyway.

DON: Doesn't time fly when you're having fun. Are we starting these or what?

He picks up a bottle and unscrews the top. Picks a random glass and pours a bit in.

(To himself.) Doesn't time fly when you're having fun.

EDIE: Rule is nothing's to be left at end. Finish all bottles. No light sips.

DON pours the remnant of the bottle into his glass.

DON: Come on then, girl, you know I never drink alone.

EDIE obeys.

Down the hatch.

They chink glasses and neck their drinks. They slam glasses down and shiver and shake their heads simultaneously at the shock of the old booze.

EDIE: Ooooh.

DON: What was that?

EDIE: Something we brought back from Yugoslavia that time.

DON: No wonder they're allus fighting.

EDIE: Right, I've a quiz, then a questionnaire and then, well…anyway.

DON: You're the boss, boss.

EDIE: Can't put it off forever.

DON: No.

EDIE: (Breezy.) I've five questions. And prizes go up, like on Millionaire. First off, it's old drinks and they get better more questions you get right.

DON: Can we open champagne if I get last one?

EDIE: I've said, champagne's for just before.

DON: But –

EDIE: I've got it planned, Don. Stop trying to disrupt me.

DON: Tonight of all nights, I should be allowed me own way!

EDIE: Well, you're not. So shut up about it. Question One.

She surveys the drinks. Picks out a bottle.

They start off easy, get you into it. So. For the last of the Sambuca we got in Venice in 1961, what's so special about today?

DON: You mean –

EDIE: Apart from the obvious. What's today?

DON: Fifty year.

EDIE: Fifty year what?

DON: You know what.

EDIE: Oy, you, play game!

DON: You reckon we had our first kiss fifty year ago tonight.

EDIE: He remembers! Bling! He gets the Sambuca! Hooray!

DON: I wouldn't have known. And neither would you if you hadn't found that old diary.

EDIE: Shut up and drink.

DON downs it.

Oh, and you can have three of them lifelines and all.

DON: Come on then.

EDIE: Question two, can you remember first time we laid eyes on each other? For a beer.

DON: Flamin’ ’eck. First time. Let me think. That's right. You were standing on the edge of that loch, waving a bright red hanky at me. I was out in the boat just having a moment to myself, rowing all gently. And I thought, who's that lunatic waving a pair of red knickers?

Beat.

EDIE: What are you talking about?

DON: Eh?

EDIE: That's not how we met.

DON: Isn't it?

EDIE: No.

DON: Oh. (Quiet.) Bollocks.

EDIE: He forfeits the beer – it's mine.

She opens it and drinks it....

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-title page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Characters
• ACT ONE
• ACT TWO
• Author's Note