Living Mindfully Across the Lifespan

An Intergenerational Guide

J. Kim Penberthy, J. Morgan Penberthy

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781000281538
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychologie
• Subtopic: Psychotherapeutische Beratung

Living Mindfully Across the Lifespan: An Intergenerational Guide provides user-friendly, empirically supported information about and answers to some of the most frequently encountered questions and dilemmas of human living, interactions, and emotions.

With a mix of empirical data, humor, and personal insight, each chapter introduces the readerto a significant topic or question, including self-worth, anxiety, depression, relationships, personal development, loss, and death. Along with exercises that clients and therapists can use in daily practice, chapters feature personal stories and case studies, interwoven throughout with the authors' unique intergenerational perspectives. Compassionate, engaging writing is balanced with a straightforward presentation of research data and practical strategies to help address issues via psychological, behavioral, contemplative, and movement-oriented exercises.

Readers will learn how to look deeply at themselves and society, and to apply what has been learned over decades of research and clinical experience to enrich their lives and the lives of others.

1 You Have Worth Just for Existing

The Concept of Self-Worth

Some of us go about our lives without much need to justify our worth. There are those among us, however, who spend more of our time agonizing and feeling unworthy and undeserving. More than 5% of Americans endorsed feelings of worthlessness or low self-esteem when asked about this in the National Health Interview Survey (NHIS) (Blackwell et al., 2012). There are approximately 327.2 million Americans in 2018 according to the U.S. Census Bureau's population clock, and if we assume the same rate of worthlessness (which may be a conservative estimate), that would mean we have over 16 million people in the U.S. today suffering from feelings of worthlessness. The same NHIS showed that being divorced or separated increases the odds of feeling worthless to 8.7%, and the numbers for those Americans who do not have a high school education are even higher, coming in at a whopping 19%! A survey by Aaron Beck, M.D., a famous researcher who studies the treatment of depression with psychotherapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), showed that over 80% of depressed people endorse dislike for themselves. There are also those of us who generally feel okay about ourselves, but have periods of time during our life when our self-worth is in doubt or flat-out in the gutter. I would wager this has happened to more than a few of us – including folks who may generally be successful, high achieving, and seem, at least from the ‘outside,’ to have no reason to doubt their worth.

We propose a concept that all sentient creatures have worth just by the nature of the fact that they exist. In this chapter, we also present the concept that this powerful truth can be learned and cultivated. We explore some mindful strategies, including compassion meditations, to help increase self-worth. Taken literally, gaining this knowledge and truly owning it can be an amazingly positive and profound insight for people, and can even save lives. We'll begin this chapter and this book with true stories about owning our worth.

Kim's Story of Self-Worth

I grew up in the 1970s and 80s in an upper-middle class family, the eldest of three children. I was a naturally happy, energetic child, who was independent and carefree. I grew into an upbeat, energetic adolescent who was somewhat of a people pleaser. I had a lovely childhood as the daughter of a surgeon and a nurse. My mother, the nurse, stopped working outside the home when my little brother was born in 1971. There was no alcohol or drug abuse, no violence, and my life was good – I had everything I needed – friends, safety, opportunity. My mother was loving, accepting, and as the daughter of an alcoholic herself, she had worked hard to provide a safe and supportive home. I felt it. I felt something different, however, from my father, who was more stoic and harder to read. Like many fathers of the time, I have come to learn, he did not say ‘I love you’ and rarely gave hugs. He was a good provider, he was quiet, never physically or emotionally abusive. But, I couldn't get a read on him, and I couldn't shake the feeling that what I was doing was not good enough. Most of the time, I couldn't even get his attention, it felt. I was good in school – top of my class, attractive, popular, and tried to be a good person. I had been accepted into my number one choice for college, but felt like I couldn't even get my father's attention, let alone his approval. Over the years of talking with friends and acquaintances, I have heard many report similar experiences.

Many of us had parents, especially fathers, born in the late 1930s–40s who grew up in the 1940s–50s – the baby boomer generation – and many of us felt their particular style of parenting. My mother ran the household and raised the children, even though she had an advanced nursing degree and had worked professionally before and early into her marriage. My father worked hard and earned the money. He was not the emotionally supportive parent that my mother was. He was not the one to be overly effusive or even particularly obviously supportive. Why am I telling you all of this? One reason is that if you were raised by baby boomers, if you are a ‘GenXer,’ then you may be able to relate. The second reason is that I think this background is important in understanding my relationship with self-worth. I grew up strong and competent but was also trying to please. My self-worth became tied, at least in some areas of life, to my performance and accomplishments. I felt a strong desire to please and succeed in the eyes of authoritative others. If someone did not notice my success, I tried harder to succeed, achieve, accomplish … and I was most often successful … very successful. This state of affairs led to many accomplishments, but even as a young adult, it didn't feel like I had impressed my father enough for him to say that he loved me or was proud of me.

Morgan's Story of Self-Worth

I am a millennial and an only child. I grew up with incredibly supportive parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, family, and friends. Growing up, I was told over and over that I am a being of worth. I was (and still am) reminded on a daily basis how loved, supported, and cared for I am by those who love, support, and care about me. I was (and still am) told that the world is better with me in it. And I am continually thankful to have grown up with these beautiful reminders from those who love me and whom I love dearly. The teenage me believed these things as well. I knew that I was loved and supported, and that expectations were high for me because those who expected great things of me were confident I could accomplish them – and I, of course, expected the most out of myself.

And even with all of this love and support, I took my own expectations the most seriously. I experienced major doubt. I sometimes wondered if I'd be deemed a ‘failure’ if I got a B on a paper, or if I would lose my worth by being the loser whose parents picked them up from a party. In my early teenage years, I was stuck in this place where I sometimes listened to my parents' advice about things like academics and extracurricular involvement, but sternly refused to hear anything they had to say about my romantic relationships or social experiences. I didn't know who to listen to in order to navigate my teenage-hood and create the life I wanted. I look back now and realize my self-worth was low even though I could not recognize it. I would feel sad and not worthy for no reason and wondered if this was just me. Looking back, I realize how hard I was on myself and how so much of it stemmed from not feeling worthy.

The History of Self-Worth

Many of the religions and spiritual traditions of the world teach that humans have worth just for existing. For example, the Abrahamic religions typically teach that all people are made in the image of God. Accordingly, the value of human life is intrinsic, for it derives from God, who made human beings in his own image (Genesis 1:26–27; American Bible Society, 2002). This core belief is central to Christian, Judaic, and Islamic teachings, which express that there is value to be found in all people, no matter their appearance or social status. All religions recognize human beings as fundamentally equal, whether this is understood as a consequence of their status as children of God, such as in Christianity, Judaism, or Islam: ‘So God created humanity in God's image, in the image of God, God created them’ (Genesis 1:27; American Bible Society, 2002), of their manifestation of the Divine in Hinduism: ‘The human body is the temple of God’ (Rig Veda; Hooven, 1933), or of their common original nature and desire for happiness as in Buddhism: ‘All sentient beings without exception have the Buddha-nature’ (Nirvana Sutra; Blum, 2013). Respect for human dignity is, therefore, a fundamental principle of spiritual traditions. With that equality comes a belief that all humans deserve a basic level of respect and dignity, regardless of their background.

Another way of saying this is ‘humans – all humans – have worth just for existing!’

Imagine if you and others could truly and thoroughly fathom this as a fact. You have worth. This is the absolute truth. Whether you were taught this or not, what would it be like to believe it? You have worth just for existing. Imagine: if that is true, what does it mean for you?

For some rare few, this knowledge alone may work to help realize your inherent worth. But those of you who can simply ‘read and believe’ are few and far between. So, this means that most of you, if you are suffering from low self-worth or worthless feelings, will need more.

We are certainly not the only people who have ever dealt with feelings of low self-worth, self-doubt, or lack of self-acceptance. It seems like nearly all humans who have been around long enough to feel emotions and interact with other humans have experienced these feelings. The ways these feelings manifest and are approached vary widely based on a multitude of factors, probably because each individual is raised by unique individuals, in unique circumstances, and in unique places and times. Everyone learns about themselves, others, and the world in a similar way, but we all learn a bit of a different story – even siblings or family members who grew up in the same home at the same time! Although those who feel worthless share many commonalities, their individual experiences are unique to their own learning history and circumstances.

Challenges to Self-Worth

Throughout life we encounter multiple challenges to our own self-worth, including challenges from others and ourselves. Feelings of worthlessness are hypothesized to be a learned emotion and can also be an associated symptom of other devastating disorders, such as depression. Low self-worth is unfortunately often ‘taught’ to us by the very people who are around us from birth and who are tasked to care for and nurture us. Families act as an incubator for learned responses to life, both positive and negative. Messages can be blatant or subtle, but they are often well-learned.

We, as Morgan's parents, thought we were providing Morgan with loving and positive messages, and we were. Yet, our verbal messages were not all that she was listening to. She was listening to our disapproving body language and facial expressions when she told us that she had not started her homework yet or that she got a ‘C’ on a quiz. She was listening to the messages on social media about all of her friends' and classmates' amazing achievements, great test scores, exciting weekend trips, wonderful boyfriend, etc. And she was listening to her own internal messages that she was not good enough. Even the most positive intentions of loving family and friends may fail, especially in the face of incessant challenging messages from other sources. Imagine the destructive impact of blatant messages of worthlessness and irrelevance or worse yet, open contempt or hatred! Unfortunately, there is no shortage of folks that I have spoken to who had these horrifying experiences growing up.

One example of such a situation was a patient of mine whom we will call Ruth. Ruth was a quiet, sad 62-year-old office worker who started seeing me for persistent depression when she could no longer function because of it. Her symptoms included feelings of worthlessness. In getting to know her over our time together in therapy, she hesitantly told me stories of her childhood and how her mother made it very clear to her from an early age that she was not worthy. Her mother shared that she resented Ruth, and never wanted to have a baby, and that she did not think much of her once she was born. Ruth's father was resentful of another mouth to feed, and let both Ruth and her mother know that he did not think he owed Ruth anything. Ruth was blamed for all the family financial troubles, and from an early age, reported feelings of worthlessness and shame. Ruth had no concept that she had worth because the primary people in her life told her, in no uncertain terms, that she DID NOT have worth.

Ruth suffered from low self-worth, to be sure, and she learned this from the people in her life. Due to the extreme nature of her conditioning, her symptoms manifested into a serious mental disorder, and she was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder, among other things. We know that clinical depression and persistent depression (sometimes called dysthymia) are associated with feelings of worthlessness, as well as other significant negative emotions such as sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, tearfulness, anxiety, and other physical symptoms, like pain, insomnia, appetite changes, and fatigue. We also know that the causes of such depressive disorders are multifactorial, meaning that they are typically caused by genetics and environment, including the things we learn from those around us. While positive responses from others support our emotional equilibrium, negative responses can bog us down, making it difficult to remain afloat under the tide of life. Humans are very good learners and we do not discriminate between learning from healthy, well-intended individuals and hateful, malignant ones!

Another example is a friend of mine, Tad, who generally had a pleasant, what some would call ‘normal’ childhood with no trauma or abuse. When I met him as a young adult, he had a pleasant demeanor and happy outlook. He suffered from low self-worth after his divorce and the financial hardship that followed. He was a young father who had been easygoing and funny, but began doubting his worth. After his wife cheated on him and then ultimately left him for her lover, he became withdrawn and reported that he felt worthless. He felt even worse after dealing with all the legal issues surrounding the divorce and finally sought help from a therapist when he started doubting that he could be a good father to his two young boys.

These examples can be viewed along a continuum. Low self-worth can occur to those with good upbringing who have healthy habits and supportive people in their lives. Self-loathing can also have more extreme manifestations due to impoverished or abusive conditions and can ultimately become associated with further disease and disability in the form of trauma-related depression, anxiety, and other psychological and physical symptoms. There are many areas in between as well, and of course, self-worth and self-esteem can be impacted in the moment by internal experiences and external events, respectively.

Depression, anxiety, and other mental conditions often happen to people who have low self-worth. At this point, it is not clear whether it's the mental condition and the stigma associated with it that causes the low self-worth or whether it happens the other way around. Either way, they build on each other, creating a persistent feeling of unworthiness and despair. People who don't value themselves may also tend to get into unhealthy relationships, and this can compound the challenges to their own worth.

Your Own Self-Worth

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines self-worth as ‘a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect.’ There are many ways for someone to value themselves and assess their worth as a human...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Endorsements
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• List of Figures and Table
• Preface
• 1 You Have Worth Just for Existing
• 2 Life Is Not Fair: Cope with It!
• 3 Belief Is Half the Battle!
• 4 Bringing Others to the Table
• 5 Put It in Neutral: Interpersonal Mindfulness
• 6 Getting to the Goal
• 7 All Problems Have Solutions!
• 8 Life Is Hard: Deal with It!
• 9 I Don’t Want to Feel This Way!
• 10 Feeling Crappy? Coping with Pain
• 11 Feeling Happy? Maintaining Joy
• 12 So Long for Now?
• Epilogue
• Index