Contemporary Male Sexuality

Confronting Myths and Promoting Change

Barry McCarthy, Emily McCarthy

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781000299519
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psicologia
• Subtopic: Storia e teoria della psicologia

This accessible guide confronts myths and pressures surrounding men and sex, promoting a positive and healthy model of male sexuality that replaces traditional expectations.

The chapters in this book engage with cultural assumptions about male sexuality, from harmful early messaging, to the importance of enjoying intimacy, pleasure, and eroticism over the age of 60. The authors challenge the effects of toxic masculinity and traditional gendered roles in sex, celebrating sexual diversity, confronting double standards, and empowering men and couples to develop an equitable sexual bond. Case studies and psychosexual skill exercises are integrated throughout to make each concept personal and concrete, and incorporate the Good Enough Sex (GES) model to promote an authentic sexual self throughout the lifespan.

With a focus on mutual consent and pleasure, Contemporary Male Sexuality offers a new model of male sexuality that helps men and couples achieve a satisfying, secure, and sexual bond, replacing damaging expectations with healthy sexual values.

1

Men Are Not Simple

Promoting Male and Couple Sexuality

One of the best-selling books in the history of “pop psych” was “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, including spin-off books such as “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom”. These simplistic, humorous books were based on the mistaken assumption that relationally and sexually, men and women are entirely different species. The individual male sex performance model was glorified as the natural way to be sexual-easy arousal, totally predictable intercourse, and reliable orgasms. Men were simple sexually, while women were emotionally and sexually complex. The challenge for women was to catch up to the sexually superior man. Female sexuality was inferior.

This book presents a very different model of male and couple sexuality. Psychologically, relationally, and sexually, there are many more similarities than differences between men and women, especially those in a married or partnered relationship (Hyde, 2005). Both men and women are complex, not simple. This is especially true sexually. A key for healthy sexuality is to accept the individual responsibility/intimate sexual team model. Each person is responsible for your sexuality. It is not the man’s responsibility to give the woman desire or an orgasm. Nor is it her responsibility to convince him to value intimacy and pleasuring. Each partner affirms the value of the new sexual mantra –desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction (Foley, Kope, & Sugrue, 2012). Male, female, and couple sexuality are complex with large individual, couple, cultural, and value differences. Sexually, one size never fits all. Value your individual and couple uniqueness.

Understanding and accepting the complexity of male sexuality are healthier than putting men on a sexual pedestal or demonizing men. In the media, on the internet, and in bookstores, male sexuality is viewed as simple, predictable, and one-dimensional. Sadly, the focus is on destructive male sexual behavior – child sexual abuse, rape, affairs, sexual harassment, inability to express emotions, relational ignorance, and sexual entitlement. Our culture engages in male blaming and shaming.

In this book, we explore the strengths and vulnerabilities of men and male sexuality. We carefully assess the psychological, bio-medical, and social/relational factors that promote and support sexuality as well as confront destructive male sexuality. Knowledge is power. We provide information and guidelines so that you can make “wise” sexual decisions (wise means it works emotionally and practically, in the short and long terms). You deserve for sex to have a 15–20% positive role in your life and relationship. Rather than the “war between the sexes”, we provide a positive and realistic approach to male sexuality which empowers and motivates both partners to make wise decisions. Male sexuality is more complex and nuanced than portrayed in the media. Males do not belong on a pedestal nor should they be shamed. Understanding male sexuality from the perspective of psychological, bio-medical, and social/relational factors is valuable for you and your relationship. This book is addressed to men, women, couples, and clinicians. We focus on mainstream heterosexual married and partnered men. In addition, we honor diversity and non-traditional values in sexuality and relationships.

In a previous book, “Finding Your Sexual Voice: Celebrating Female Sexuality” (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2019a), we strongly argued that female sexuality is first-class, not inferior to male sexuality. Female sexuality is more variable, flexible, complex, and individualistic. Sexuality is healthy when men and women are intimate and erotic allies. Treat your partner in a respectful and trusting manner. This is much more than socially desirable words. It entails changing attitudes, behavior, emotions, and accepting new values about gender and sexuality.

We emphasize the importance of recognizing vulnerabilities and challenges in order to achieve female-male sexual equity. Each gender has vulnerabilities which can subvert or even poison sexuality. Rather than blaming men and feeling oppressed by male sexuality, the woman’s challenge is to strengthen her sexual voice (especially her power to veto sexual scenarios which are aversive) and replace these with healthy sexual attitudes, behavior, and emotions. Healthy sexual attitudes and values promote psychological, relational, and sexual well-being.

Vulnerabilities for men are different than vulnerabilities for women. A major vulnerability is the difficulty giving up the individual perfect sex performance demand and replacing it with variable, flexible, pleasure-oriented couple sexuality. Although gender vulnerabilities are different, the challenges for healthy couple sexuality are similar. Affirm that desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction is the essence of couple sexuality. Understanding the complexity of male sexuality promotes being an intimate sexual team. Be clear what you value sexually. Create a respectful, trusting, emotional commitment. As well, confront and change components of male sexuality which are oppressive and unacceptable.

We explore healthy and unhealthy components of male sexuality to increase awareness and understanding so you’re in a position to make wise personal, relational, and sexual decisions. You deserve a healthy sexual relationship.

It is crucial to challenge the belief that love and sex are magical, so when you find your “soul mate”, all you need is loving communication. Inherent in the romantic love/soul mate model is the mistaken notion that sex is the man’s domain with the woman following his sexual lead. The myth “As long as you are in love everything will be fine” has caused untold damage to relationships throughout generations and cultures.

On the other extreme, confront the cynicism that results from labeling men as sexual predators. Barry remembers a professional workshop where a female participant yelled “All men are rapists. Given the opportunity all men will rape”. Cynicism about men and male sexuality causes women to be hypervigilant and defensive. This is not in anyone’s best interest. Certainly, there are men whose sexual attitudes and behavior are toxic (we will confront this in Chapter 3), but they are in the minority. The great majority of men want a healthy emotional and sexual relationship. There is solid scientific evidence that men benefit from a respectful, trusting, intimate marriage even more than women (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). Single, divorced, or widowed men are more vulnerable to emotional distress and physical illness than married men. Culturally, men are not supposed to value women or an intimate relationship, doing so only for sex. Like so much in our culture, this is based on simplistic myths not genuine scientific understanding about men, women, couples, and sexuality.

The Myth of Male Sexuality

A core male learning is that sex function is easy, predictable, in his control, and most important “autonomous”. As an adolescent and young adult, he has spontaneous erections, intercourse, and orgasm, needing nothing from his partner. This is the basis for the assumption that male sexuality is stronger and better than female sexuality. Most males experience first orgasm between ages 10 and 14 with either nocturnal emission or masturbation. Very few males experience their first orgasm during partner sex. First orgasm during partner sex occurs between ages 15 and 21 with manual, oral, intercourse, or rubbing stimulation. Most males begin intercourse as premature ejaculators (intercourse lasting less than two minutes and not feeling in control of when you ejaculate). Autonomous sex function is idealized, especially in porn videos. In porn, he always has a firm erection and needs nothing from the woman. This simplistic view of male sexuality is almost totally wrong. Male sexuality is complex, with large individual, couple, cultural, and value differences. Men are intimidated by the simplistic performance model. An example is that 80% of men believe that their penis is smaller than average. This makes no statistical or logical sense, but demonstrates the tyranny of sex demands and expectations. The message is clear – you need to perform perfectly; otherwise, you’re a “sexual loser”. Fear of not being “man enough”, not having enough partners, and not being as sexually skilled as other men dominates male culture. The pressure is to perform perfectly, needing to give your partner an orgasm the “right way” with a large penis and hard-driving intercourse. Sex is about performance to impress your partner as well as male peers.

Men are notorious sexual braggarts and liars. You are not supposed to have questions or anxieties.

It is no wonder that it is so challenging to have a genuine sexual dialogue between a man and a woman. Adolescent and young adult men and women learn such different sexual languages, feel such different pressures, and have such different vulnerabilities.

Healthy Male, Female, and Couple Sexuality

This book is for men, women, and couples to learn the language of desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction and be intimate and erotic allies. This is a challenge for men, women, couples, and the culture. Yet, it is a very worthwhile challenge. Sexuality can have a positive 15–20% role in your life and relationship. Understanding the strengths and vulnerabilities of male sexuality is important in accepting yourself. Female sexuality has many more similarities than differences from male sexuality. The important concept is that female sexuality is more variable, flexible, complex, individualistic, and, most important, first-class, not inferior. This understanding is the foundation for the female-male sexual equity model (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2019b). It is the basis of a new, healthy dialogue about sexuality. This opens you and your partner to be intimate and erotic friends rather than the traditional war between the sexes. It allows you to have genuine conversations about the roles, meanings, and outcomes of sexuality rather than a destructive, adversarial argument where male sexuality is either on a pedestal or demonized. It provides an opportunity to be allies, not adversaries.

Sexually one size never fits all. Men, women, and couples are complex and unique. The information and guidelines we present are based on scientific data and clinically relevant perspectives (Metz, Epstein, & McCarthy, 2017). We strongly believe in these guidelines scientifically, clinically, and try to apply them in our lives. We believe in individual differences and honoring each person’s unique sexual voice, relationship, and sexual reality. It is your responsibility to implement these guidelines into your life and relationship. There are couples who choose to stay with the traditional double standard and are comfortable with the woman being in a subservient role. However, the great majority of women embrace the challenge of “finding your sexual voice” as a first-class woman. Healthy sexuality is a one-two combination of personal responsibility and being an intimate sexual team. The female-male sexual equity model promotes this, while the traditional double standard subverts it. The essence of a healthy marriage (life partnership) is a respectful, trusting, emotional commitment. The paradox is that sex dysfunction, conflict, and especially avoidance can destroy a relationship, but good sex cannot save a bad relationship. The 15–20% function of healthy sexuality is to energize your bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability.

Special Issues for Men

This book focuses on understanding male sexuality. We want to increase psychological, relational, and sexual understanding of the complexity of men and male sexuality. Although it should be read by men, you are not the sole audience. This is written for men, women, couples, and clinicians. The simplistic theme regarding male sexuality focused on strength with a sex test of erection and intercourse. This must be challenged. The mistaken belief is that male sexuality is superior because it is autonomous. A “real man” is able to experience desire, erection, intercourse, and orgasm without needing anything from the woman. The extreme is that “A real man can have sex with any woman, any place, and any time”. Spontaneous erection, a large penis, totally predictable intercourse, and orgasm are in his control.

The great majority of men have been exposed to porn and use porn images to accompany masturbation. In porn videos, the man always has a firm erection and needs no additional stimulation. The message of porn is male dominant/female submissive. The crazier the scenario and the crazier the woman, the more erotic it is. He always ejaculates whether on her body, or more typically, on her face. She is portrayed as lusting for dramatic sex whether double penetration (vaginal and anal) or turned-on by pain and aggression. Erotic sex is male dominant/female out of control.

These scenarios intimidate men, not empower you. The message is that sex is a competition, and in order to not fall behind, you need to perform perfectly to impress your partner and male peers. She is not an intimate partner; she is someone to perform for, impress with your large erection, a strong sex drive, and a dominance scenario. In the individual performance model, there is no space for sharing intimacy or pleasure.

These sex images are pervasive and destructive. They are not challenged by men for fear of being labeled a “wimp” or” not man enough”. Sex myths dominate men, couples, and the culture. This is the basis for the male-female double standard and sets up the power struggles of intercourse or nothing.

In describing myths and misinformation, our intention is not to minimize problems or explain them away. The male performance model of sex and the degradation of female sexuality must be confronted. Demonizing and shaming men and male sexuality are not in your best interest as a couple. Awareness regarding myths and destructive elements of male sexual socialization does not mean accepting them. Just the opposite. You can replace these with a genuine understanding of male sexuality, female sexuality, and couple sexuality. Confront the myth that male sexuality is superior. Confront the myth that sex is an individual performance test. Confront the myth that an erect penis is the measure of male sexuality. As an intimate sexual team, build healthy sexual attitudes, behaviors, emotions, and values. You do not change for the woman; you change for yourself and your relationship.

Special Issues for Women

This book is also for women. She makes wise decisions about her sexuality. Understanding the complexity of men and male sexuality is a solid foundation for couple decision-making. A healthy relationship promotes psychological well-being, including intimacy and sexuality. Being in a satisfying, secure, and sexual relationship is a major factor for both physical and psychological well-being. A healthy marriage meets needs for intimacy and security better than any other relationship (Doherty, 2013). People in a healthy relationship report high levels of psychological well-being. Interestingly, women get more out of a healthy relationship than men. Sadly, men do not value their marriage as much as they should. However, both in terms of physical and mental health, men need marriage more than women.

A dissatisfying or destructive marriage has more impact on women than men. Men tolerate mediocre or dissatisfying marriages better than women. A major cause of depression (which has considerably higher rates for women) is a mediocre, dissatisfying, or destructive relationship. We are pro-marriage, but are not anti-divorce. We advocate for a satisfying, secure, and sexual marriage (life partnership). Satisfying is the major factor. Satisfying does not mean romantic love and idealization. Satisfying means accepting your feelings, life experiences, and values. It means knowing and accepting your spouse with his strengths and vulnerabilities. A healthy relationship makes you a healthier woman.

A healthy relationship is non-perfectionistic – you are not perfect, your spouse is not perfect, and your marriage is not perfect. The core of respect is accepting yourself and your spouse with strengths and vulnerabilities. It is the opposite of the romantic love belief that “if you love me, you will change for me”. The scientific reality is that only 30% of marital problems are resolvable, the majority are modifiable, and even in the most loving marriages, 10–20% of problems are not changeable (Gottman & Silver, 2015). You love and respect your spouse for who he really is. A favorite example is that before we married, Barry told Emily that he had a perceptual-motor learning disorder (she remembers that conversation but feels that he did not make clear how severe it was). As the world has become more technological and on-line, Barry’s disability has become more problematic. I regret it, but am not ashamed of my disability. I am grateful that Emily loves and respects me in spite of this chronic problem.

Respect, Trust, and Intimacy

Respect is based on genuine understanding and acceptance, the opposite of idealistic romantic love. If you do not respect yourself, your partner, and your bond, no amount of great sex will save your relationship. The best sex integrates intimacy and eroticism. It is possible to have good sex with a partner you don’t respect or even like. Throughout cultures and generations, people have been harmed by the belief that love and sex was the sign of a healthy relationship and the major reason to marry. The paradox is that sex problems can destroy a loving marriage, but good sex cannot save a bad marriage.

The second core factor in marriage is trust. Trust does not mean you won’t be disappointed or hurt by your spouse. Trust means your spouse would not intentionally do something to harm you emotionally or sexually. Trust involves believing that she acts in your best interest and wants you to thrive personally, relationally, and sexually. Believing that love means “Never having to say you’re sorry” is self-defeating. In a respectful, trusting, marriage, you say you’re sorry at least once a month. The core trust issue is the belief that your spouse will act in your best interest. Hurt or disappointment was not intentional or meant to harm you. You trust your spouse “has your back”.

Many women trust their partner emotionally, but not sexually. When you are aroused and erect, she fears your sexual wants override her emotional needs. Sexual pressure is a major cause of low desire. Unless she has the power to say no to sex she doesn’t have the freedom to embrace desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction. She can learn to trust you sexually. It is a one-two process of trusting her sexual voice, including her power to veto a sexual scenario and trusting you to be her intimate and erotic friend. Her sexual feelings and preferences are as important as yours. She trusts you will honor her veto. A healthy relationship involves emotional and sexual trust.

Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are different dimensions, but both are crucial.

Emotional intimacy is an integral component of your respect, trust, and intimacy bond. She feels emotionally open and confident. Emotional intimacy reinforces a secure attachment. Emotional intimacy is different than “romantic love...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• 1 Men Are Not Simple: Promoting Male and Couple Sexuality
• 2 The Sexual War between Men and Women: Changing the Dialogue
• 3 Confronting Contemporary Male Sexuality: Breaking the Abusive Cycle
• 4 Female-Male Sexual Equity: Confronting the Double Standard
• 5 The Sexual Development of Boys and Adolescents: Healthy and Unhealthy Learnings
• 6 Young Adult Sexuality: Time for Change
• 7 The New Sexual Mantra: Desire/Pleasure/Eroticism/Satisfaction
• 8 Adult Sexuality: A New Model of Masculinity
• 9 Desire: The Core of Sexuality
• 10 Integrating Intimacy, Pleasuring, and Eroticism: Broad-Based Sexuality
• 11 Developing Your Couple Sexual Style: The Autonomy/Couple Balance
• 12 Good Enough Sex (GES): Positive, Realistic Expectations
• 13 Male Sexuality in the 60s, 70s, and 80s: Being a Wise Man
• 14 Dealing with Sexual Problems: PE, ED, HSDD, and Ejaculatory Inhibition
• 15 Variant Arousal: What Fits Your Relationship
• 16 Gay Men Are First Class: Validating Sexual Diversity
• 17 Monogamy vs. Consensual Non-Monogamy: Developing a Genuine Commitment
• 18 Creating and Maintaining a Satisfying, Secure, and Sexual Bond
• Appendix A: Choosing a Sex, Couple, or Individual Therapist
• Appendix B: Suggested Readings
• References