Showing Up

A Step-By-Step Ally's Guide for the Workplace

Ray Arata

• Publisher: Diversion Books
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781635769104
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Leadership
• Index: Business

"More people recognize the importance of Allyship—and that's great. Unfortunately, many men still don't know what they need to do to effect change so everyone feels valued and empowered at work. In Showing Up, Ray Arata provides clear guidance on how to turn good intentions into action. I strongly recommend it to everyone interested in helping create a more equal and productive workplace."
—Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and founder of LeanIn.Org and OptionB.Org Showing Up is a revolutionary step-by-step guide—by and for men—to end toxic masculinity and enact heart-based leadership, increase diversity, bolster the bottom line, and create a workplace culture where everyone wins.The Time's Up, Me Too, and Black Lives Matter movements have sounded a wake-up—especially for men. Organizations worldwide now realize the critical importance of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) for underrepresented people. It's abundantly clear: the default model of masculinity isn't working for anyone. But for a new and healthier infrastructure, for permanent and transformational shifts, we need a plan that includes men.In Showing Up, Ray Arata details the proven methods he's shared with such companies as Verizon, Bloomberg, Moody's, Intel, Toyota, Hearst, and more, teaching men to
• Embrace healthy masculinity as a cornerstone of inclusionary leadership;
• Identify unhealthy masculine behaviors in the workplace—like mansplaining, manterrupting, and manopolizing;
• Adopt behavior modifications aligned with being an inclusive leader and ally;
• Incorporate specific language to use in healthy discussions; and
• Leverage power and position to elevate underrepresented groups.

Now it's your turn to show up.

‹ CHAPTER ONE ›

Set to Win

The Me Too, Time’s Up, and Black Lives Matter movements have created a perfect storm of bad behavior, largely due to men’s toxic behavior. These movements were a long overdue response, as well as an outright refusal to tolerate this type of behavior. Men are on high alert: The spotlight is squarely focused on their behaviors, and we have already witnessed a number of “high profile” instances of men being fired, stepping down from leadership, and finding their careers ruined by their choices and behavior, as well as their abuse of power. Their careers were tarnished after social media exposed their actions. These very same men work inside companies and are often in leadership positions, thus posing a question for many organizations: Do we ignore, react, or take initiative? What is your position?

One thing is for sure: The underlying playbook of what it means to be man, and how it shows up in our roles as leaders, partners, spouses, and parents, needs a rewrite. The writing is on the wall. It’s time for us individually and collectively to embrace healthy masculinity as a way of being, in our personal and business lives. Not only will those we care about benefit; we will, too. Company cultures that have a predominance of men in leadership are ripe for change. How you change just depends on what will motivate you to change.

Troy Young, president of Hearst Magazines and publisher of Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, and Town & Country, resigned in July 2020 due to allegations of sexual misconduct. For most companies in a situation like this, there isn’t a playbook; they have to create one.

The Hearst Corporation is one example of how one man, through his misconduct, can create a wake-up call moment for the leadership of a company. How and if a company answers a wake-up call says a lot about them. How you or your company answers says a lot about you.

A “wake-up call” is a shock, surprise, or realization that causes you to become fully alert to what is happening in your life. It can also be thought of as a glimpse into a moment of truth, where you see that staying on your current trajectory and not changing only creates more pain. A wake-up call of this magnitude gives a company a snapshot of its culture and creates a choice point for moving forward.

Hearst chose to answer the wake-up call in a healthy masculine way.

iCrossing, a subsidiary of Hearst, hosted the 2018 Better Man Conference in the Hearst Tower in Midtown Manhattan. When this all went down, they reached out to my company to address their culture issue head on. Their resulting commitment was to sponsor and send seventy senior executive male leaders to our fall 2020 virtual Better Man Conference as a kick-off event, to be followed by a training course on allyship with an emphasis on healthy masculinity. The men were eager to learn so that they could do their part and play a role in shifting their work culture.

This is just how one company responded. Organizations have been slow to initiate efforts to engage men as allies and inclusionary leaders until either they see business benefits or their hand is forced. It appears that the tide is changing for organizations, albeit slower than it should.

Some companies are making bold goals that require the engagement of men as allies and inclusionary leaders. The Intel Corporation, which has been a partner, client, and sponsor of the Better Man Conference over the years, made one of its goals for 2030 to increase the number of women in technical roles up to 40 percent. This, in essence, would double the number of women and traditionally excluded minorities in senior leadership. They recognize that in order to make this goal a reality, they must include men in their DEI efforts.

The wake-up calls just keep coming. I invite you to consider another wake-up call moment that has presented itself to you and the company you work for: COVID-19 and the Black Lives Matter movement.

LeanIn.org and the consulting company McKinsey conducted a 2020 Women in the Workplace study that looked at the pandemic’s impact. According to its results,

Women in particular have been negatively impacted. Women—especially women of color—are more likely to have been laid off or furloughed during the COVID-19 crisis, stalling their careers and jeopardizing their financial security. The pandemic has intensified challenges that women already faced. Working mothers have always worked a “double shift”—a full day of work, followed by hours spent caring for children and doing household labor. Now the supports that made this possible—including school and childcare—have been upended.

In December of 2020, largely due to the pandemic, 100 percent of jobs lost were held by women. In December 2020, women lost a total of 156,000 jobs while men gained 16,000 jobs, according to the National Women’s Law Center: “Of the net 9.8 million jobs lost since February 2020, women’s jobs have accounted for 55% of them.”

As a result of these dynamics, more than one in four women are contemplating what many would have considered unthinkable just six months ago: downshifting their careers or leaving the workforce completely. This is an emergency for corporate America. Companies risk losing women in leadership—future women leaders—and thus unwinding years of painstaking progress toward gender diversity.

This business pain is real for many organizations. Is this happening at your company?

Personally, I seek to find the silver lining in challenging times. Amidst this crisis there is an opportunity. Do you see any silver linings? As a result of COVID-19, are you making adjustments in your leadership?

If organizations prioritize building a more flexible and empathetic workplace, they may be able to retain the employees most affected by today’s crises—women—and nurture a culture in which women have equal opportunities to achieve their potential over the long term. Men will need to develop their own ability to be empathic. This includes you!

You might be wondering: How is engaging men as allies and inclusionary leaders good for business? On a more personal note, how is it good for you?

The compelling reason for companies to engage men as allies centers around attracting, retaining, and hiring talent. Creating a culture of belonging wherein men are active allies increases the likelihood that people bring their whole selves to work, which increases overall effectiveness. Unless you have men on board and part of diversity and inclusion efforts, the status quo for men in charge will remain, and the lack of opportunities for those who don’t identify as men will slowly erode a company’s ability to be competitive.

How Do We Get Men on Board?

Maybe you are a diversity and inclusion professional or head of a women’s employee resource group (ERG). Maybe you have leadership responsibility in your organization and are reading this book for support in your role. I’m going to speak to you in your organizational capacity directly below; I encourage you also to read sections where I directly address the men who are reading this to better understand what’s true for them.

Maybe you are an inspired male leader or a man who self-identifies as an ally, or you simply want to be one. Maybe your company bought this book and asked you to read it, or a woman colleague gave it to you. So that you may effectively engage yourself to be part of a culture change, it is imperative that you understand where you fit into the states of men as they currently exist in your company. I will speak to you as an individual.

Wearing the Organizational Hat

If you have an organizational responsibility (DEI, HR, Learning and Development), knowing the states of men in your company as well as barriers and impediments that many men face allows you to “walk in their shoes.” This ultimately supports how you “meet them where they are.”

A question you need to address: What influences the men in your organization and what limits or drives their behaviors? Both organizations and men must know the answer to this question so as to identify and offer the training men need to be allies and inclusionary leaders who support culture change. There are five areas to examine: social/political narratives (including racism and white supremacy), COVID-19, men not feeling the pain of others, man box behaviors, and power.

For those of you wearing an organizational hat, read the section below to better understand the states of men in your company.

If you are an individual, read this section to see which state you most identify with.

The States of Men

Over the years, I’ve heard men self-describe where they were with respect to equality, being an ally, and participating in their company’s DEI efforts. I’ve listened to them share their current experiences, their frustrations, their aspirations, and more. From these anecdotes, I have categorized the states of men inside organizations.

Some men believe that their companies' DEI efforts threaten their jobs.

These men, by virtue of their perception of DEI efforts as a threat, demonstrate how their privilege is invisible to them when they articulate that “their” job is threatened. My friend and colleague Michael Kimmel, an activist and author, says, “Privilege is invisible to those who have it.” The key word indicating that point is “their”—as in, their job. It isn’t their job; they don’t have a preordained right to it over anyone else.

Organizational Guidance: Supporting these men to understand their own privilege by humanizing it, and to realize that with privilege comes responsibility as well as the opportunity to use it for good, is the approach to take. (Chapter four will explore privilege in great detail, along with exercises to support your learning.)

Some men don’t feel included in their companies’ DEI efforts.

Many companies have supported the establishment and maintenance of employee resource groups, creating communities inside companies for LGBTQIA+ folks, women, BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color), disabled person/people, and neurodivergent people. There are very few companies that support or have ERGs for men. As a result, men who want to be part of a company’s diversity efforts can join other ERGs and begin to learn about becoming an ally, but what this scenario doesn’t do is center whiteness, nor does it create a sense of community for men. As a result, it doesn’t fulfill men’s desire to be more involved.

Organizational Guidance: Providing men with training that supports allyship, and encouraging men to start an ERG, is another option. This will be covered later in the book.

Lots of men are afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so they say and do nothing.

This is largely how many men feel currently. They are the bystanders. They are complicit.

Organizational Guidance: These men need training, as well as other leaders inside their own organizations, to be models of allyship and inclusion. This will be covered later in the book.

Some men want to be part of the solution but don’t know what to do or say.

These are the men you want to activate and build with.

Organizational Guidance: These men need training and can be used to build momentum inside companies to legitimize allyship training. I often suggest that DEI professionals focus on this group of men first. They are eager and are usually willing to bring along other men.

A few select men are already acting like allies and already understand.

These men are the ones who get it. They don’t need training because they already act like allies and inclusionary leaders. These guys attend other ERG events, often sponsor events in an executive capacity, and sometimes mentor women.

Organizational Guidance: Where these guys are needed...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• More Praise for Showing Up
• What Diversity, Equity, and Inclusivity Professionals Are Saying
• Showing Up
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Introduction
• Chapter One: Set to Win
• Chapter Two: Too Often Excluded Voices of Masculinity
• Chapter Three: Simple Steps to Take Right Now
• Chapter Four: Step One of the Ally’s Journey: Acknowledge Your Stuff
• Chapter Five: Step Two of the Ally’s Journey: Listen, Really
• Chapter Six: Step Three of the Ally’s Journey: Take Responsibility
• Chapter Seven: Step Four of the Ally’s Journey: Think, Talk, and Act Like an Ally
• Chapter Eight: The Multiyear Game Plan
• Afterword: Where You Go from Here
• Acknowledgments
• Selected References
• About the Author