Chapter 1
The Prison of People Pleasing
Spotted on a sweatshirt:
âYou canât please everyone. Youâre not pizza.â
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
âGALATIANS 1:10
I grabbed a handful of tissues and dashed out the sliding glass door that leads to our back deck. It was a muggy, Midwest afternoon in late May. My body would have much rather been inside in the frosty air conditioning, however my mind desperately needed to escape. To somewhere. Anywhere. And since my son was using my vehicle to go to work that day, I couldnât go very far.
I plopped myself down in a lawn chair at the wooded portion of our back property near our fire pit. Iâd sat in that bright blue chair through hundreds of baseball games, cheering my sons on as they were stepping up to the plate to bat or perched on pitcherâs mound ready to hurl a curveball. Perhaps now I could cheer myself up. But I doubted it. Nothing about my situationâor my near futureâlooked even remotely cheery to me.
My best friend from college and I had just wrapped up a phone call. Weâve been in each otherâs lives for over a quarter century, and she continually has my best interests at heart. A chat with her is a delight in my day, a major pick-me-up. In fact, once we finish, Iâll hang up and think, Man. Talking to her is almost better than church. Weâve processed life together since we were both teenagers. Weâve prayed for each otherâs marriages, shared our mothering mishaps, and navigated how best to help our aging parents. We offer each other encouragement and advice or simply listen to the other share something trivial, laughing while on speaker phone as we each frantically try to get supper on the table.
But this phone call was different. Although my friend didnât know it, when we ended the call, I wasnât feeling cheered-up or churched-up at all. I was feeling utterly defeated and emotionally exhausted. Oh, it wasnât something sheâd said that sent me to this dismal place. Not at all. Well, then what had sent me over the edge, threatening to drain the happiness from my heart and send fretfulness filling my soul? It was something I had done dozens . . . maybe hundreds . . . oh come on letâs be honest, probably thousands of times . . .
I had said yes.
Our family had moved to a tiny town just outside Lansing, capital of my home state of Michigan. Her college-aged son was in the process of interviewing for a summer internship at an organization in the city. Sheâd called to inform me that heâd just accepted a position and would soon be working just down the interstate, about fifteen minutes from our new home. The job description fit him to a T, and he was pumped about starting soon.
However, this job was going to require more than an hour commute each way from his home near Detroit. Most days it wouldnât be a problem, as heâd be working a typical nine-to-five-ish day. However, some days he would be responsible for staying late and closing up, getting home near midnightâyet he would still need to be up for work at oâdark oâclock the next morning. Knowing this would be the occasional situation for himâmaybe a day or two a weekâshe asked if he could spend the night with us on those nights, sleeping in our guestroom.
Now, this guy was no trouble at all. Weâve known him his entire life. He was loads of fun, utterly respectful, and kind. So, who he was had exactly zero to do with a little conversation that commenced inside my mind. This convo was between âoutwardâ me and âinwardâ me. It is a discussion that my brain has hosted gazillions of times. Hereâs how it went that day:
Inward me: Oh no. Iâm not sure about this. I think we have too much going on this summer to have an overnight guest stay a couple days each week. I should say no.
Outward me: But if you say no, youâll disappoint your friend who is just wanting a little help for her son.
Inward me: I know, but it just doesnât feel right. I have so much on my plate both at home and in my ministry. I should say no.
Outward me: But if you say no, youâre also going to let down your friendâs son as well. That is two people you will disappoint. Besides, heâs such a great guy. You should help him out. He wonât be any trouble at all.
Inward me: I know how I am. Iâll want to make sure his room has clean sheets and fresh towels and Iâll stay up at night until he gets here and make him something to eat before he goes to bed. Although I usually love being hospitable, this is going to stress me right out.
Outward me: Oh, come on! You are the master multitasker. You can juggle a myriad of things at once. This one little addition wonât be a big deal. Just shuffle some things around on that big oleâ plate of yours. You can make it all fit.
Inward me: Oh dear. My mind is starting to race and my heartâs beating faster. Iâm still dealing with the death of my dad. And my stepmom, mother-in-law, and motherâwho are all getting up there in ageâsometimes need my help. And we have a new house that we still are remodeling. In fact, the guest room is piled high with wood planks for the new floors that wonât get installed for weeks. And Iâm a brand-new mother-in-law. I need to carve out time to spend with my new daughter. Oh, and I almost forgot! A family friend just texted a few days ago to ask if they can stay at our house some weekends to help jump-start a new career as a personal shopper by picking up some clients in the city. Iâd already answered yes to that request. Oh, what was I thinking? How am I ever going to manage all of this?
Outward me: Girlfriend, chill out! You can totally handle it. What you cannot handle is failing to accommodate your friend. That will feel way worse than being stressed. Now listen, you have a choice: Itâs either disappoint her or slightly inconvenience yourself. You know the right answer. Just say yes.
Inward me: I shouldnât.
Outward me: You must.
Inward me: I really shouldnât.
Outward me: Oh, but you must.
Inward me: No, Iâm pretty certain I shouldnât.
Outward me: Oh, stopping kidding yourself, you know that you will!
And then outward me opened wide her big mouth, and let out a resounding, âSure. No problem!â
Meanwhile, inwardly, my spirit deflated just as quickly as my stress level skyrocketed. And so I ended the call, mumbling something about needing to switch over the laundry. Instead, I left the laundry untouched, reached for some antacids to remedy my ever-growing ulcer, and headed outside to BAWL. MY. FREAKINâ. EYES. OUT.
How Did I Get Here?
Few people are completely immune from people pleasing. The majority of us have said something we didnât really mean, just because we didnât want to hurt someone elseâs feelings. You know, when your friend asked you what you thought of her new trendy, neon-blue jumpsuit that she was simply crazy about, but that you thought was about two sizes too small and made her look like an overstuffed Smurf? Inwardly you may have thought it was closer to awful than awesome, but you summoned a smile and out of your mouth tumbled a counterfeit compliment, âWow! It looks so great!â
Why do we say things we donât really mean? It isnât limited to our desire to avoid hurting someoneâs feelings. On many occasions, it is wound up in our longing to be liked. Who among us, if we were still in high school and faced with a choice between being an outstanding athlete yet having zero friends or an utter klutz on the field but the recipient of the homecoming crown, would go for the star-athlete status? (Excuse me please while I straighten my tiara.)
Most of us have adopted the practice of saying or doing that which placates others in order to keep conflict at bay. Or we may not speak honestly due to a suspicion that we might be challenged. And how about this one? We simply donât feel like being bothered right now and, if we just agree with them, maybe they will go delightfully away.
All legit reasons, for sure. However, sometimes it goes much deeper.
We might fib just a tad to a superior at work so that they will have a favorable view of usâespecially if our potential rise in the company is something on which they have input. Or maybe it is birthed out of earnest sympathy. When someone has experienced repeated disappointments or walked through a dire tragedy, to avoid adding to their sadness, we donât say anything that might upset them. Perhaps the most serious scenario is this: someone caught in a domestic abuse situation. Such an individual will say what their abuser wants to hear, regardless of what they really think or feel. They cannot risk upsetting the abusive person, so they take the brunt of their anger.1
When you drill down to unearth the causes of people pleasing, you discover that it isnât just the response of the person weâre hoping to make happy that causes us to give in and placate. For some of us, it is a result of how we are hardwiredâa product of our particular personality. Although I wonât go deep into specific personality tests and theories since there are oodles of great works available (see my favorites in the resource section), I do think some commonalities exist when it comes to the type of person who is in danger of becoming addicted to the approval of others.
She may be the helpful sort, with kindness in her heart and the most patient of personalities. She truly enjoys assisting others. Itâs second nature for such a woman to step over a line and help beyond what is healthy or needful.
Another category of persons that may make themselves quite miserable while making others happy are the overachievers among us. Being universally liked and admired can seem like an accomplishment that weâyes, I am talking in plural here because I am 100 percent this typeâsimply must achieve.
Letâs not leave out the perfectionists. These people can feel the tug toward appeasing and satisfying others because they view doing so as the right thing to do. They can rack up a long streak of making others smile without ever missing a beat.
And while weâre at it, letâs toss all the peacemakers into the mix. (Gently now, for they are sensitive and tenderhearted souls.) Peacemakers canât bear to see anyone upset. They hate the feeling of conflict or the unease of tension hanging in the air. If saying something they really donât meanâor doing something they really donât want to doâwill help to keep the peace and pacify someone else, then that is how theyâll roll.
Though our reasons and our personalities may vary, there is one universal result that we see from our constant stream of yeses. It is this: trying to make (or keep) others happy often results in making us miserable.
You know the feeling. You said yes to the responsibility, agreed to the task, feigned excitement when you really felt dread, and now your mind races with regret and wishes it could rewind time, going back to the day when your lips said yes when they should have uttered a big fat no! But would revisiting the situation, with a chance for a do-over, really make any difference? After all, youâve grown so accustomed to pleasing others that youâve stitched a perpetual pattern of pleasing into the very fabric of your life. Smile and say yes when youâd rather say no; totally agree when what you really believe is quite the opposite. Donât ruffle feathers. Donât make them drop their smile. Behave as they desire, regardless of what you really wantâor even what you desperately need.
The Longing to Be Liked
The gymnasium at the big brick elementary school in my neighborhood was the site of many activities. We not only marched there for Friday afternoon physical education class, it doubled as our school cafeteria and tripled as our auditorium. (It should have been dubbed the âcaf-e-gym-a-torium!â) One day I might be up against the wall hoping to get picked early for a dodgeball team. Another day, I might be standing on a riser, singing alongside classmates at a school Christmas concert or spring recital. But most often, it was the place where I munched on my lunch five times a week.
Who among us doesnât remember standing nervously with our lunch tray scanning the room for a place to sit? Such a mental flashback can still stir a sense of anxiety. Thereâs no greater setup for a feeling of rejection or, at the very least, a sense of loneliness. But I didnât fret about sitting alone because I had a secret weapon in my back pocket. Well actually, she was behind the serving table, scooping up mashed potatoes and gravy with a smile. It was my mother, the beloved Delta Center Elementary School lunch lady.
In the cafeteria, if I wanted to win fri...