The Shakespeare Codex

Terry Pratchett, Stephen Briggs

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781350244993
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Based loosely on The Science of Discworld II: the Globe, Lords & Ladies, and A Midsummer Night's Dream, The Shakespeare Codex is a new Discworld stage adaptation written to commemorate Terry Pratchett's life and works. Discworld 's motley band of characters team up and stop the elves taking over our world, make Shakespeare write A Midsummer Night's Dream... and ensure the potato is discovered! Featuring Ridcully, Rincewind, Granny Weatherwax, Angua, Vetinari, Shakespeare, Queen Elizabeth I (and the Earl of Oxford), this is an unmissable new adventure for Discworld fans.

Act One

Scene One

The Globe Theatre, London. Around 1595. Elizabethan music. As the house lights go down . . . magical lighting effect and sound . . . in the dark the audience hears . . .

Juliet (off) What’s here? a cup, closed in my true love’s hand?

Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end . . .

First Watchman (off) Lead, boy: which way?

Juliet (off) Yea, noise? then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! (Noise of dagger unsheathing.) This is thy sheath; (noise of stabbing) there rust, and let me die . . .

Intro music. Lights up. Enter Prince, Capulet and Montague . . . above, a couple of Elves watch. Throughout the play, the extracts from Shakespeare’s plays are played straight. Not hammy.

Prince This letter doth make good the friar’s words, Their course of love, the tidings of her death:

And here he writes that he did buy a poison of a poor ’pothecary, and therewithal came to this vault to die, and lie with Juliet.

Where be these enemies? Capulet! Montague! See, what a scourge is laid upon your hate,

Capulet O brother Montague, give me thy hand: This is my daughter’s jointure, for no more can I demand.

Montague But I can give thee more: For I will raise her statue in pure gold; that while Verona by that name is known, there shall no figure at such rate be set as that of true and faithful Juliet.

Capulet As rich shall Romeo’s by his lady’s lie; poor sacrifices of our enmity!

Prince A peace this morning with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:

Go hence, to talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardon’d, and some punishèd:

For never was a story of more woe – than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Sound of audience applause and cheers. Cast bow. William Shakespeare comes on stage and bows, too. As he walks off, the Prince says to him:

Prince So – Will – we’re doing Richard the Second next right? – but what’s after that? Something a bit lighter, please? A comedy . . .?

William Shakespeare As it happens, Richard, I do have a nice, summery piece in my head . . .

They exit. Queen Elizabeth I (cloaked) and two companions enter, carrying programmes for Romeo and Juliet. Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford is looking extremely unimpressed.

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury (dabbing her eyes) That was so sad . . . I do prefer a laugh, though this tale was very touching, madam . . .

Queen Elizabeth (still cloaked) Oh we also, Bess, we also. Mind you – as you say, this had its moments . . .

She quotes.

‘Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?’

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury (joining in and acting it out) ‘I do bite my thumb, sir.’

Queen Elizabeth ‘Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?’

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury (laughing) ‘No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.’

They laugh and give a little contented sigh. Bess turns to Edward, Earl of Oxford.

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury How many times have we seen it now, Edward?

Edward, Earl of Oxford (a moment’s thought, and with a resigned sigh) Eight, Bess. Are we to risk an alehouse this evening . . . ‘ladies’?

Queen Elizabeth (quoting) ‘O, let us hence. I stand on sudden haste.’

They all laugh.

Edward, Earl of Oxford ‘Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast.’

Queen Elizabeth (Bess helps to pull back the hood of her cloak) Haha – well you certainly do after a few ales, my Lord of Oxford!

Edward, Earl of Oxford (bowing) Oh, your majesty, that’s unjust, I think?

Queen Elizabeth (laughing) We imagine, my lord, it must be painful for you to watch Mr Shakespeare’s plays?

She quotes:

‘O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father refuse thy name, thou art thyself thou not a Montague, what is Montague? tis nor hand nor foot nor any other part belonging to a man.

What is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet . . .’

We think, my lord, you would give a queen’s ransom to write as well as that . . .?

Edward, Earl of Oxford Your majesty. I thought you liked my plays, ma’am?

Queen Elizabeth At times, sir, at times. we did enjoy ‘Zounds! There goes my bodkin!’ But, I’sooth, we had partaken of much sack before we viewed it.

She and Bess giggle.

As you know, my lord, some are born great . . .

She gives Oxford a look.

and some achieve greatness . . . (Nods over shoulder towards theatre.)

(To Bess.) Did they say, Bess, what play is next?

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury I heard Richard the Second, ma’am.

Edward, Earl of Oxford But he gets murdered!

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury and Queen Elizabeth My lord! Spoilers!

They laugh.

Edward, Earl of Oxford (with a sigh) Another tragedy, I mean? God’s blood. Why can’t they do more like that Comedy of Errors? At least that was quite funny.

He pulls out a manuscript from a bag.

In fact, majesty, I have myself penned a comedy of sorts . . .

Bess, Countess of Shrewsbury (interrupting him) Comedy of Errors? That was great!

(In a comic servant voice.) ‘I, sir, am Dromio; command him away.’

Queen Elizabeth (in a comic servant voice) ‘I, sir, am Dromio; pray, let me stay!’

Come on, both of you – first ale’s on you, Oxford!

And she runs off, closely followed by Bess.

Edward, Earl of Oxford (following, and adopting a comic old vicar voice) ‘Saint Francis be my speed! How oft tonight have my old feet stumbled at graves!’

(In his own voice.) A glove-maker’s son? Bloody pea...