From Invisible to Visible

Master the Art of Being Seen

Rhonda Kaalund

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2019
• ISBN:
  9781642793406
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

From Invisible to Visible is for those who want to stop feeling invisible—from the boardroom to the bedroom.

Maybe someone used to be the MVP at home or at the office, but something drastically changed. Or maybe there's someone who has simply always felt invisible. Inspired by author and life coach Rhonda Kaalund's own signature 11-step REDLIPSTICK Method, this easy-to-read guidebook rejuvenates readers by helping them identify and eliminate the things in their lives that hold them back from being the best version of themselves. Within From Invisible to Visible, readers explore the things that are making them feel invisible and learn how to conquer them—and why REDLIPSTICK changes everything. For those who don't have a clue what to do to get back to being themselves, Rhonda reveals how to wow him at home and amaze them at work with a refreshing message of transformation. It's time to stop blending in and break through the invisibility to be all you can be!

Chapter 1

Feeling Invisible

“If you are waking up with the sensation that there has got to be more in life … There is.”

– Steve Harvey

If you’re reading this book, perhaps it’s because you’re feeling invisible and are struggling to be seen. Or maybe you picked up this book because you know someone who is struggling to be seen. Feeling invisible can be very debilitating. It’s like existing in a world and no one even notices you’re there. People can’t see your pain. And though pretending can be sustained for a little while, the pain associated with feeling invisible can get the best of you if it goes unaddressed. Feeling invisible affects every aspect of your life.

While many women are able to balance a healthy work and home life, this isn’t the case for everyone. Take my former client, Anna, for example. Anna was feeling invisible both at work and at home. At work, she used to be on top of her game. She was the one everybody came to for advice. She was the one chosen for most of the special projects and assignments. She was the one getting all of the accolades. But something was going on with Anna that no one could put a finger on. She started withdrawing and was rarely involved anymore.

At home, Anna described her romance as less than perfect. She’d put on a few pounds and had hardly enough time to attend to her family’s needs. She’d stopped going out on dates with her mate and had every excuse in the book not to engage in physical contact. However, she couldn’t seem to put her mind to what was really going on. All she knew was that her idea of having a good time at home was to kickback and watch a few episodes of Family Feud.

Anna had low motivation to embrace change in a positive way. There was a time where in her career, she was project lead on everything. She was advancing in the company, had won Employee of the Year several years in a row, and was featured on the company’s website for outstanding service more times than she could count. The energy she spent in the office perfecting her work came with the cost of ten-hour workdays with an additional five hours on the weekends; however, it seemed all worth it because Anna felt fulfilled. She was able to manage her home life despite her robust work schedule.

At home, Anna’s romance had been top notch. She and her husband often had spontaneous romantic date nights. They’d go out on the town. They’d cook together and also take mini family vacations. It seemed she had plenty of time to spend with the family engaging in game nights, one of their favorite activities.

Then suddenly, all seemed to have gone awry. When Anna looked around, her closest colleagues had either obtained promotions or transferred in their careers. Anna was still putting in those 50- to 60-hour workweeks and had no satisfaction, nor had she felt appreciated for anything she had contributed. It seemed many of the new hires had more energy and were much younger. Anna felt she couldn’t compete. She was no longer selected for special assignments. Anna felt overlooked. She felt invisible.

At home, the date nights began to turn into a chore. Anna would cancel going out at the last minute, making up an excuse about “feeling tired.” When the plan was to do something at the house, Anna found other things that were “more important” like doing the laundry. Anna’s daughter had submitted her commitment statement to the university of her choice so actually, having more time to enhance her marriage should’ve been on the horizon. However, at home Anna felt invisible too.

The price to pay for staying in a job where one feels invisible seems quite high. Anna knew that without job satisfaction, it would be impossible for her to be content. She knew that going to a job on a daily basis where she felt invisible could potentially spill over into her personal life, which it had. She knew that something would have to change in order to get there but just didn’t know the “what” or “how.”

Anna had been married for 18 years and Roger was the love of her life. He did everything for the family, making sacrifices and even being patient when Anna’s behavior didn’t warrant such. Anna wanted the romance back. She wanted to WOW him at home and bring back the reason why they fell in love in the first place. She’d often tell people the story of how they met and longed for that feeling again. Life for them on the outside appeared amazing but, on the inside, they were beginning to crumble.

Because of her determining nature, Anna was convinced that she could get her life back if she only knew what to do. If she once “amazed” them at work and “wowed” him at home, she could do it again. Anna loved the feeling of being the go-to person in the office. It was the euphoric feeling that spilled over to her once-amazing home life. Roger would see the enthusiasm and confidence Anna displayed, and use it as motivation for himself. Roger pulled a lot of his energy from her because her energy was so strong. There were times when he would help her with work, giving constructive feedback as she prepared her projects. She too would help him by providing feedback for the work he did on his job. They were a team, a strong team. Their romance never suffered because they were enjoying life. They looked forward to those encounters. They delighted in each other’s company.

Anna wants to feel rejuvenated. She wants to be able to go into a job where she feels heard and valued. A place where she is contributing. She is not sure if her current career path is where she is supposed to be but what she does know is that she had what it took before and wants a transformation. She is tired of feeling invisible.

Chapter 2

I Know What It’s Like

“It’s hard being visible so I’ve made myself invisible.”

– Danielle Steel

I never thought in a million years I’d feel invisible or even be in a position to fight to feel seen again. I didn’t think I could find the proper word to fit how I felt, but once I connected to feeling invisible, I knew I needed a way to reverse that thought. My invisibility was different from Anna’s. My invisibility was as a result of how I perceived my ability to write and speak. It was my lack of confidence.

Written and circled in bold red ink, the letters A W K for awkward must have appeared on almost every page of my ten-page term paper. I was a sophomore in college at Appalachian State University and had never received negative feedback from any written work submitted prior to then. I didn’t consider myself a master or superior writer, but my English and Literature grades were great. Nonetheless, this would be a defining moment for me. I became extremely insecure about my writing and speaking skills. You see, this event, the red AWK written all over my paper, caused me to question my capabilities. I thought to myself that if my writing was awkward, my speaking had to be awkward too. Coming up with this conclusion kept me from showing up. I was hiding. On the one hand, I didn’t want to be seen, while on the other, I was dying to be seen. So, I finished my academic careers, both undergraduate and graduate, with constant questioning and doing things over and over. I even limited my opportunities to speak.

Corporate America was no different. I had this inner struggle to be seen. Because I had conditioned myself to believe that what I had to contribute was unworthy and couldn’t possibly add value to any situation, I often sat back and observed. There were times when I’d make a deal with myself and say, “Today you’ll speak in this staff meeting, and your reward will be a Fossil bag.” But it never worked. It was like my lips were moving but nothing came out. I was paralyzed. I didn’t want to be judged. I was in total fear of receiving any form of feedback. I expected it to be negative. This fear was so great that I even left staff meetings to go to the bathroom when I sensed my supervisor was going to go around the table to get input from the group. And during the times I remained in meetings, I’d carefully customize a safe response like, “I agree with Toni, I do believe the students need an advocate with them to start the march.” This seemed to minimize any possibility of negative scrutiny. I was so good at making myself invisible that I ultimately mastered denying my own voice. I was just too afraid and insecure to release it. What I regret the most are the times I was confident about adding value to discussions and missed them simply because I was afraid.

And you can imagine, writing was no different. I was skilled at hiding, so my most popular statement, “You’re a fast typer, won’t you please draft this for me?” could have won the award for the most used phrases in any one job setting. True, I was no fast typer, but it was an easy crutch. It allowed me to safeguard my insecurities. It was me who had interpreted my writing skills weren’t good enough, so I hid. I chose to be invisible.

Being invisible was my little secret. At the time, it felt much better to feel invisible than to receive all those red AWK’s. However, the price to pay for me feeling invisible came with internal consequences. I didn’t feel genuine. If I wasn’t feeling genuine, then I wasn’t being true to myself. So, I needed to do something. I had a lot of proof that what I had to say added value. For example, just before my niece Cassie started college, I gave her the good ole auntie talk. Don’t date—wait until you’re married. Don’t drink—unless you’re having just one glass of wine, and don’t party (well, not too hard), but study all the time. A few years after she graduated, she shared with me that she’d listened to everything I had to say and that she valued my opinion. But you can’t just count family feedback. A former client called to tell me how much her life had changed from our work together. She now makes herself a priority and engages in self-care that has ultimately led to her increased self-confidence. Additionally, I’ve facilitated many trainings and workshops, have had weekly commercials on the local radio station, and have emceed many events, all without any thoughts of whether or not I could do it. In fact, I was receiving consistent positive feedback.

As a former Academic Advisor, I must have written at least thirty letters of recommendation, and I have also written several letters of reference for colleagues. At these requests, I never thought twice about what I was saying and never questioned its value. Students got into their graduate school programs and colleagues got their promotions. It was evident that my input did not stop them. As a licensed mental health and substance abuse counselor, I’ve written-up tons of psychosocial assessments and discharge summaries without reservation or hesitation. My clinical work during supervision had to be reviewed by a clinical supervisor and I’ve never received any critical feedback on my written performance. I’ve even taken a couple of postgraduate school courses and never had a problem. The proof was clear. I wasn’t a crappy speaker, nor was I a crappy writer at all.

Chapter 3

The REDLIPSTICK Method

“The starting point of all achievement is desire.”

– Napoleon Hill

One Sunday afternoon heading home from the grocery store, my husband Khari and I engaged in a conversation about red lipstick. I’d been on my cell phone scrolling through my Facebook feed when I noticed that several women were wearing red lipstick that day. It wasn’t Mother’s Day or some National Wear-Red-Lipstick Day, it just seemed to be a regular ole Sunday. None of these women were related or connected to my knowledge, so it was just plain interesting. They each owned their red lipstick in such a magical way that it was hard not to notice the confidence they displayed. I made the comment to Khari that the women wearing red lipstick were beautiful but that red lipstick just wasn’t for me. He looked at me like I was a lil coo coo and began to challenge my assessment. Seems like he gave me a hundred and five reasons why it would look nice on me, and I gave him double the reasons why I disagreed. The conversation went on for several minutes and I was starting to get really defensive. Then I thought, maybe I should prove him wrong. So we decided to head to the mall, and I made a mad dash to the make-up counter. I looked through the various shades of red lipstick and purposefully picked out the one in which I thought would look the most hideous. After all, I had to prove my point that red lipstick did not compliment me. The sales associate began to assist me with the application of the lipstick and midway through the application process, I looked at Khari and he smiled. I thought to myself, he’s either smiling because now he sees my point, or he’s going to be nice and say it looks fine. Well, before I could utter another word, the sales associate shouts, “That looks amazing!” Not confident she was being truthful, I turned around in my chair, expecting to not be pleased.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so surprisingly emotional at such a thing before. I agreed that the red lipstick looked amazing but my emotions had nothing to do with what I was seeing in the mirror. It had every bit to do with my rejection of myself. I had been working so hard to not put myself down. And in that moment, I wondered how many times in life I had rejected something that was truly meant for me. How many times had I said no to or dismissed something that I had never even given myself a chance to ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• Chapter 1: Feeling Invisible
• Chapter 2: I Know What It’s Like
• Chapter 3: The REDLIPSTICK Method
• Chapter 4: Release the Stronghold
• Chapter 5: Embrace Your Authentic Self
• Chapter 6: Declare Your Purpose
• Chapter 7: Lean in to the Process
• Chapter 8: Imagine New Life
• Chapter 9: Practice Affirming It
• Chapter 10: Show Up
• Chapter 11: Transform to the New You
• Chapter 12: Influence Your Surroundings
• Chapter 13: Celebrate Accomplishments
• Chapter 14: Kickback
• Chapter 15: The Hurdle
• Chapter 16: Recap and the Call to Join The REDLIPSTICK Movement
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Thank You