The house opens. The stage is bare apart from three silver helium balloons acting as plump platinum backdrop.
They unapologetically spell the word FAT.
Beneath them stands Katie.
The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper is playing on repeat. Katie is doing the prescribed routine over and over, interacting with the audience and encouraging them to join in. It is clear from this point that this show is not a āconventional playā. This a celebration. A party. A show with a tangible sense of joy, nostalgia and tenderness.
As the house closes Katie is still going.
She is still going.
The song is looping and Katie is visibly tired & probably very sweaty. She probably makes a joke about being tired and sweaty. She softens the audience when she can ā but never at her own expense. Regardless she appears to be enjoying herself.
Eventually a projection appears behind her.
A picture of nine-year-old Katie appears as music and lights fade.
She stops dancing, takes everyone in and then begins.
Nine years old.
The Cha Cha Slide has just come out and it is a BANGER. Iād say itās in the top five party songs of all time.
One is the YMCA ā obviously.
Two is the Macarena,
Three, I would say itās the Cha Cha Slide,
Four is Candy, (even though I never do it because I just feeling embarrassingly white),
And five is a curve ball. I think itās The Cheeky Girls song. Because Iām pretty sure thatās how I learnt to move my hips, and that is a gift the world will forever be grateful for.
Have I missed any?
Katie encourages the audience to offer suggestions. Actual suggestions, even if they donāt want to. Katie reacts and interacts with them. Someone seems to always mention āSaturday Nightā much to Katieās delight.
I like a song with a set routine. So another classic is Oops Upside Your Head. An absolute banger because it combines two of my favourite things: dancingā¦and sitting down.
Anyway, I digress. Iāve just got my first Walkman and so CDs are like all I want right now. I spend hours delving through the bargain bucket of Woolworths building up what Iām sure is going to be a hugely valuable collection. One day, my mum picks me up from school, she asks me the classic questions:
āHow was your day?ā
and
āWhat did you have for lunch?ā,
before saying thereās a present for me in her handbag.
My pudgy fingers delve excited into the coloured leather of her handbag, dancing around her lip gloss and Nokia until they feel the familiar plastic of a CD case.
Pause.
The Cha Cha fucking Slide!
I thank her enthusiastically, already imagining the jealous grimace on my ex-best friend Lauren Chaffynās face tomorrow morning.
āYouāre welcome,ā my Mum says.
āI thought you could put it in your Walkman and use it as an exercise tape.ā
Cha Cha Slide ends.
Another picture of Katie appears, this time at five years old, as music and lights fade.
The Thomas the Tank Engine Theme plays loudly. After a few seconds it fades to a volume that can be spoken over
Five years old.
Itās World Book Day, and my mum has taken a long time over my costume. Three of the girls in my class are Pippi Longstocking, with wired plaits and stripy socks that refuse to stay up.
But I am feeling majestic because I have been chosen by Mrs Wells as the best dressed, not just in my class, but the WHOLE YEAR. So I sashay across the muddy lino in the school hall, leaving Spot the Dogs and Hermione Grangers in my wake-because I know today I reign supreme.
We sit in our neat rows, my costume is not comfortable to sit cross legged in, but despite being five years old I am acutely aware that one must suffer for oneās art.
Mrs Hitchcock, the Headteacher, invites the winners of each year group to stand up, show their costume and announce who they are to the whole school.
The little girl from Reception is clearly cute, but her Alice in Wonderland costume is missing attention to detail. The boy from year 1ās handmade cardboard dinosaur is impressive, but his face paint is already smudged with his own spit.
Then itās my turn.
I rise proudly from the mass of cheap wigs and cuddly toys, standing regally in everyoneās expectant gaze.
Then I repeat, just like my mother told meā¦
āI am dressed as the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine.ā
Thomas the Tank Engine Theme ends.
The next picture appears of Katie at eleven years old, as Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield plays loudly. After a few seconds it fades to a volume that can be spoken over.
Eleven years old.
Weāre sat in Mumās blue Honda CR-V, listening to Radio 2. Like we always do. Except its Jeremy Vine time and heās just argumentative and shit. This doesnāt help my mood, some classic easy listening tunes, are more what Iām looking for this afternoon. Well, letās be honest Iād rather listen to Natasha Bedingfield because her latest song is a TUNE.
Itās summer so the sunroof is open, I feel the fresh air of the M27 stroke my hair and I rest my hand in my mumās.
Itās not dangerous because she drives an automatic, so she doesnāt need it anyway.
Holding my mumās hand always calms me down. Our fingers interlock like a lifeboat, stopping us both from sinking and I need it today because I am feeling a little bit nervous.
Because I am about to be hypnotised ā by mumās friend Karen from the tennis club.
Now apart from this lady swinging a watch in front of my face, I donāt really know what to expect. All I know is that Iām about to be hypnotised to stop me being fat.
And to stop biting my nails.
But mainly the fat thing.
The picture disappears as music fades to silence.
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