The Last Temptation of Boris Johnson

Jonathan Maitland

• Publisher: Salamander Street Ltd.
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781913630751
• Topic: Politica e relazioni internazionali
• Subtopic: Processi politici

It was the dinner that changed history: the night in February 2016 when Boris Johnson decided to vote 'leave' and a nation's future was sealed. Guests included the spirits of Prime Ministers past, including Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill and Tony Blair as well as fellow MP Michael Gove, the journalist Sarah Vine, Marina Wheeler and Evgeny Lebedev.Fast forward to post-Brexit Britain. Johnson, no longer in power, roams the political wilderness. Unexpected events see him back in the spotlight and with a chance to "make Britain great again". This hilarious play addresses the big questions. What will Britain look like in decades to come? What do we want from our leaders? Are all political careers destined to end in failure? And is chlorinated chicken really bad for you?

Act Two

SCENE ONE

A bachelor pad. BORIS less bulky, hair neater/shorter.

BORIS: Alexa. What’s the date?

ALEXA: The date. Is. March the 31^st. 2029.

BORIS: What’s in the diary?

ALEXA: You are writing. Your book. Johnson on Churchill. Volume six. “The Wilderness Years”. You are meeting. The Chairwoman. Of the Conservative Party. You are seeing Jack. Your. Literary, agent. But first, there is. An interview. With Huw Edwards.

BORIS: God.

BORIS musses hair, goes into interview mode.

HUW EDWARDS: You’re watching the BBC Amazon news channel. Sponsored by Churchill, insurance you can trust. The new presenter of ‘The Apprentice’ has been announced and it is…the former Prime Minister, Sir Boris Johnson no less, who joins me now.

BORIS: Hello, Huw.

HUW: Shall we get your catch phrase out the way? Sir Alan’s was ‘you’re fired’ of course. What’s yours?

BORIS: (Points finger at CAMERA.) “You’re – terribly good but I’m afraid your post no longer exists.”

HUW: So what are you looking for in the contestants?

BORIS: Adaptability. We live in a very different world now as you know, compared to, ten, fifteen years ago. A better world, now we’re free. Ish. I want someone who can grab the Unicorn of opportunity, wrestle it to the ground and get up again, smiling and victorious. It’s a great time for entrepreneurs Huw there’s juicy low hanging fruit on every corner apricots pomegranates bananas. A veritable fruit salad ready for the taking.

HUW: Do you know the significance of today’s date?

BORIS: Is it your wedding anniversary?

Certainly not mine.

HUW: Ten years ago today, March the 31^st 2019, Britain left the EU. I beg your pardon. Ten years ago today Britain was supposed, to leave the EU. And then again on October the 31^st. And then again on January the 31^st.

BORIS: Indeed. Brexit: what happens next? If someone had trademarked that headline, they’d have made a fortune.

HUW: But we did leave. Eventually.

BORIS: Indeed.

HUW: Any regrets?

BORIS: What?

HUW: If not for you we might still be in the EU.

BORIS: That’s ridiculous.

HUW: No regrets then.

BORIS: I don’t know why you’re even asking that question.

HUW: Because we’re in a recession. And to quote the Times, we’ve gone ‘from the Premier League to the Vauxhall Conference in just over a decade.’

BORIS: Look. There was always going to be a tick effect. You know, Down then up. That’s exactly what’s happening.

HUW: Yes, the economy did go down, apart from a brief spike when England won the World Cup in Qatar in 2022 but then it carried on going down. And down. And down again. That’s not a tick. That’s a lead balloon.

BORIS: But you see the world through a glass which is half empty Huw. Very Welsh. If that’s not racist.

HUW: It’s offensive.

BORIS: Whatever. Apologies to people in, Llanelli. Point is, I, an optimist, know it is in fact, half full. Leeds. Liverpool, Newcastle. Buzzing, vibrant. The North-South divide is now a thing of the past. So why not give thanks for goodness sake!

HUW: Because the reason, the North-South divide is less marked, isn’t because the North’s doing so well, but because the South’s doing so badly. 50,000 jobs gone in the City alone, in the last ten years. The air’s been seeping out of the balloon since the day we left.

BORIS: Yes but look at Blackpool! The Las Vegas of the North! The fastest growing city in Europe! Malvern (Insert relevant location here.) is taking off like a rocket. Appparently. Look. We will, eventually, reap the full rewards of leaving. But these things take time.

HUW turns into TONY.

TONY: Hey Boris. It’s Tony. Told you so.

It’s a bloody disaster.

BORIS: What the – ?

TONY tur...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Dramatis Personae
• Act One
• Act Two