So Much to Live For

How to Provide Help and Hope to Someone Considering Suicide

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• Publisher: Revell
• Year: 2021
• ISBN:
  9781493431991
• Topic: Desarrollo personal
• Subtopic: Religión

Suicide is the nation's tenth leading cause of death, and in 2018 nearly 50, 000 people in the US died by suicide, with thousands more attempting to take their own lives. Countless others experience suicidal ideation due to depression, anxiety, addiction, and more, living for years in silent misery. The sad truth is that someone you know may be suffering. With great compassion and clear, actionable strategies, So Much to Live For shows you what to do, what to say, and how to intervene if you suspect a friend or loved one is considering suicide. You'll learn the signs and symptoms, understand the causes, and build the courage to step up and speak out. God heals wounds and repairs brokenness, and he often does it using people like you. You can be instrumental in saving the life of a suicidal person you know. This book shows you how.

Part 1: Understanding Your Loved One’s Desperate Struggle

1
Lifelines

The Vital Role of Family, Friends, and Close Caregivers

Legendary newspaper columnist Walter Winchell has been credited with observing, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

As a concerned friend or family member, you’re reading this book because you care deeply about an individual who is struggling intensely, who is somewhere in the downward spiral that could result in attempted suicide. You want to help, to do what you can to stop the torment your loved one is wrestling against, to help them find peace. You’re the kind of person Winchell was talking about: when your friend feels friendless, you’ve demonstrated the courage and love to walk toward them, embrace them, and bolster them amid the battle.

I sincerely commend you for being that friend your loved one needs right now. It’s a tough role, I know. “There is no physician like a true friend,” goes the classic saying, and you are being a true friend in a very difficult situation. Thank you for your courage and care.

What You Uniquely Offer

To the troubled person, a caring family member or concerned friend like you is likely in the best position to help because a relationship has already been established. You know them, they know you, and you’ve built at least a foundational level of camaraderie and communication. You have earned their trust, and they may be more willing to share their thoughts with you than with other acquaintances. Now they need your eye contact—both literally and emotionally. They need to know that they are valued in your sight.

You care enough to educate yourself about the descent into darkness and what you can do to help them break free. This knowledge, and your foreknowledge of their personality, can enable you to detect temperament changes and danger signs more readily than a casual acquaintance could.

As an informed friend or family member, you’re more likely to know or suspect the issues that fuel their suicidal ideation. Through observation or interaction, you now may be about to detect the discouragement, diminishment, and depression they have internalized—and their difficulty letting go and moving on.

And because of previously established trust and friendship, they are more likely to listen when you speak. You’ve earned the right and trust to speak into their distress. Whether you speak gentle encouragement or tough love, they need you to be straightforward as long as you do so with gentle respect. This is something a caring friend or family member can offer more authentically than a mere acquaintance can.

Proverbs 18:24 tells us that “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother,” meaning that a true friend cares so much that they won’t give up no matter how tough things get. They will be there for you even when things get ugly. Thank you for being that kind of friend to your troubled loved one.

But I must also share some important words of caution—because I care about you as much as I care about your friend.

Beware of Caregiver Stress and Possible Codependency

The truth is, many loving, well-intentioned people take on too much responsibility for their troubled individual. They experience feelings of frustration, anger, awkwardness, fear, and exhaustion. They may even blame themselves and play the self-condemning “if only” game: If only I had supported him more . . . If only I hadn’t said what I said . . . If only. . . .

So here are my honest words of truth to you: Please keep in mind that you didn’t cause your loved one’s condition. You can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Their condition is the result of their choices, not yours.

Yes, you love them. And you absolutely, positively care about helping them from the deadly descent. But please know that people make their own choices, and your loved one is making theirs. You can encourage, but you cannot determine their mental and emotional well-being. You place an unfair, unimaginable burden upon yourself if you believe it’s up to you to keep another person from committing suicide. You may become so preoccupied with watching and helping them that your own health and well-being suffer from the strain.1

I invite you to take a moment for an honest self-assessment.

Assess Yourself

Are you experiencing some of the common signs of caregiver stress? The Mayo Clinic has suggested several to watch for:

• Feeling overwhelmed or constantly worried
• Feeling tired often
• Getting too little or too much sleep
• Gaining or losing weight
• Becoming easily irritated or angry
• Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Feeling sad
• Having frequent headaches or other physical ailments
• Feeling depressed and/or anxious2

To that list I’ll add feelings of fear, embarrassment, or hopelessness. Did you identify with one or more of those symptoms? You may be feeling the stress more than you realized. And if your own strength is depleted and your reserves spent, you’ll have little strength from which to encourage and help a loved one in need.

Dealing with a potentially suicidal friend can so preoccupy your time, thoughts, and energy that you allow yourself to be drained of the pleasures that used to bring you joy. I strongly urge you to make the time to keep yourself strong—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

In their book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, the authors explain the importance and benefit of taking care of yourself as you care for another:

How can you accept your loved one until she stops what she is doing? One way is to have your well-being not wholly depend on her, and by devoting energy to something outside of your concerns for her. When you take care of yourself, you build strength to both tolerate what you can’t change and change what you can. At the same time, as a calmer, happier person, you will be contributing to an atmosphere that is conducive to the change you hope to see in your loved one, and you will be modeling healthy behaviors you wish for in your loved one.3

Note especially the statement, “When you take care of yourself, you build strength to both tolerate what you can’t change and change what you can.” It’s like the pitch the flight attendant gives as you’re buckling up in an airplane: “Put on your own oxygen mask first, then help the child next to you with theirs.” The reason is that it’s far easier to help a struggling person if you’re not struggling for air yourself. If you first take care of yourself, you’ll stay stronger, calmer, and better able to encourage and help your struggling loved one.

SURVIVORS SPEAK:
Simon Says, “Stay Steady and Strong”

Simon recalls his close friend’s emotional battle like it was yesterday. In reality, it was nearly twelve years ago, when Simon and Beth were seniors in college. Through their high school years they had enjoyed a friendship—always just friends—sharing everything about their lives with each other.

“Beth was a wonderful, thoughtful person, but she struggled with big mood swings,” Simon remembers. “She was introspective, sensitive, and artistic. I always knew when she was feeling down, but usually I didn’t know exactly why.”

Once Beth called Simon late at night after a date, euphoric that her boyfriend had proposed marriage. But soon the romance was dampened by frequent blowups, and four months into the engagement, in the final semester of their senior year, Beth’s fiancé broke it off. “You’re too high-maintenance for me,” he told her.

Beth was devastated. The weeks that followed were consumed by tears, withdrawal, skipped classes, and self-loathing. She disappeared from Simon’s life for weeks at a time, despite his frequent attempts to stay in contact. Eventually, she resurfaced and reengaged with Simon, pouring out her heart and hurt.

Simon reflects on those days: “As Beth’s friend, I did everything I could think of to try to help her. We stayed up late to talk and cry. I told her the guy didn’t deserve her. I tried to get her to go out with friends. But Beth just wanted to stay home, closed off from the world.

“Once, when talking on the phone,” Simon recalls, “Beth mumbled something I couldn’t quite hear. I asked her to repeat it and she said, only slightly louder, ‘I’m not worth this.’”

Beth’s depression soon slid into despair. “You all would be better off without me,” she said more than once. Simon then became really worried. He would lie awake at night, fearing that his troubled friend would attempt to harm herself. He did everything he could think of to help Beth. Looking back, Simon admits he often grew frustrated that his friend wouldn’t take care of herself and couldn’t “pull herself out of” those dark places.

The breakthrough came when Simon finally talked with a psychology professor, who strongly recommended helping Beth get mental-health guidance from a qualified professional. He gave Simon a referral, and Simon convinced his friend to set the appointment. Actually, this step became a double breakthrough, because the therapist immediately recognized that Beth needed a significant intervention since she had been teetering on suicidal ideation for a long time. And Simon realized that he had become enmeshed in this unhealthy relationship. While trying to help his friend, Simon had become emotionally and physically drained.

Beth received the preventive help she so desperately needed. Her work lasted the rest of the semester, and she continued therapy for two more years after graduation.

Simon, too, got much-needed insight through counseling. It took only a few therapy sessions for him to learn that, ultimately, Beth’s life choices were not his responsibility. Though his care for Beth was commendable and genuinely loving, he learned that he couldn’t continue to invest so heavily at his own expense. Simon learned to take care of himself, to preserve his own strength, and to invest in his friend’s health only when it would not compromise his own health.

“I almost let Beth’s troubles become my troubles,” Simon says today. “I know now that it’s not unloving to step back a bit, to not invest so emotionally in a friend’s trauma. You can’t be much help if you’re a mess yourself. You’ve got to stay steady and strong.”

After all these years, Simon and Beth remain friends, now both in happy marriages of their own and enjoying fulfilling work. With the perspective of time and space, Simon reflects on the experience of years ago: “When a friend or family member is struggling deeply, of course you want to step in to help. That’s what it means to love someone. In the process, you have to love yourself enough to protect your own health and not get completely dragged into the other person’s pain. You can only offer help to others if you are helping yourself all along the way.”

Take Care of Yourself Too

Resolve not to let your loved one’s battle rob you of your own life or your own joy. Keeping yourself strong will enable you to stay strong for them and still live life on your own terms. If you’re not already doing so, eat nourishing meals and snacks...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Endorsements
• Half Title Page
• Books by the Authors
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Note to Readers
• Contents
• Prologue
• Part 1: Understanding Your Loved One’s Desperate Struggle
• Part 2: Helping Your Loved One Move beyond Crisis and toward Wellness
• Appendix A: Troubled Teenagers
• Appendix B: The Science behind Suicide
• Appendix C: Reasons to Hope on the Road Ahead
• Acknowledgments
• Notes
• Recommended Resources
• About the Authors
• Back Ads
• Back Cover