Assertiveness

How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others

Judy Murphy

• Publisher: ScaredCocoon.com
• Year: 2011
• ISBN:
  9780988332805
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Mental Health & Wellbeing

The #1 Assertiveness Book for Nearly a Decade!

This book has become the gold standard for quickly learning and applying assertive communication.

In fact, there are dozens upon dozens of books that have copied the material directly from here.

Although heavily imitated, this book is never duplicated because they miss the magical shift this book provides.

If you'd like to be a more confident, assertive individual, you are at the right place

The information in this guide will teach you the necessary skills to be decisive and in control of your life.

With this information, you will learn to improve your relationships, move your career forward, and earn the respect of your friends, family, spouse, co-workers, even your boss.

Chapter 1 - How Do You See Yourself?

To know oneself, one should assert oneself.—Albert Camus

To begin, it helps to first understand how you see yourself. This means looking at who you are, what you believe about yourself, and where you think you fit in the social hierarchy.

Understanding these things is important because they affect your ability to communicate assertively. For instance, if you see yourself in a negative light, you will have difficulty standing up for yourself. You may feel intimidated when asked a direct question or for your opinion. You may even lack the confidence to look someone squarely in the eye when speaking to them. Asking for clarification about a policy at work may be only slightly less painful than a heart attack.

In addition, with a limiting self-perception, you may focus too heavily on negative traits. Thoughts such as, “I’m not very good at handling conflict,” “I don’t feel comfortable saying no to someone in authority,” or “I don’t know how to ask for what I want,” may reverberate in your mind each time you’re faced with a situation in which you need to trust yourself. Your self-doubt may cause you to remain silent in confused self-preservation, preventing you from effectively expressing your needs and wants.

This can be illustrated in Kathryn Stockton’s novel The Help, which focuses on the lives of African American maids working in white households in the segregated south of the 1960’s. In several touching scenes, the main character, Aibelene, gently tells her young charge, Mae Mobley, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important,” something the child’s own mother would never tell her. The irony is that Aibelene doesn’t believe those same things about herself. She is afraid to make eye contact with her employer, walks with a pained gait, and certainly doesn’t stand up to the unreasonable demands she faces from the family for whom she works.

This passive character does not see herself in high regard. As a result, she is unable to be assertive. She lets others talk down and walk all over her. Aibelene’s self-perception prevents her from effectively standing up and speaking out.

Self-Evaluation

To understand how your perception is affecting you, let’s begin with a self-evaluation. Below we present two tests: one is a quiz and another is a hypothetical scenario. The quiz will give you a better understanding of what is going on for you internally, which will establish whether or not you have assertiveness issues and to what extent. The scenario will assess your communication skills, gauging your ability to interact with people. Take some time to reflect on each question so you can answer them as truthfully as possible.

Self-Evaluation Quiz

1. Begin with your level of eye contact. Do you look people in the eye when speaking with them? If you can’t remember a single facial feature or their eye color, it’s likely you are looking anywhere but in their eyes.

2. Now consider your voice. Do you project yourself clearly? If you are often asked to speak more loudly or to repeat what you’ve said, you probably speak quietly or mumble.

3. Do you speak confidently? Stumbling through conversations with “ums” and “uhs” doesn’t communicate confidence.

4. Look at your stance and then your body when seated. How is your posture? Do you slouch or look down?

5. Looking internally, are you able to ask questions when you need clarification?

6. Do you feel comfortable around others?

7. Are you able to say “no” when you don’t want to do something?

8. Are you able to express annoyance or anger appropriately?

9. Do you offer an opinion on a topic when you don’t agree with someone?

10. Do you defend yourself against mistakes that aren’t your fault?

After taking some time to truthfully respond to each question, review your answers. Notice how many questions to which you answered “no.”

If you answered “no” to 2-3 questions, you are likely a self-assured and reliant person. Although you experience difficulty here and there, compared to the average person, asserting your needs and wants is not a challenge. If you in fact experience challenges, they may be due to your specific approach rather than an inherent inability to act assertively. It is possible you are coming off aggressive rather than assertive. We will address correct ways to approach assertive behavior.

If you answered “no” to 4-6 questions, there is a high chance you see yourself in a negative light. As a result, you experience more difficulty than the average person in communicating your needs and wants. While you may assert yourself on occasion, it is a test of will for you. You often second-guess your decision to act and replay numerous what-if scenarios before acting.

If you answered “no” to 7 or more questions, you have significant difficulty in this area. Not only do you doubt that you are worthy of respect, but you probably see yourself lower than others in the social totem pole. Even though you yearn to stand up for yourself, you never do. You always back down, coming up with reasons or excuses as to why backing down was the rational choice.

When you lack assertiveness, you do not live life on your own terms. Instead you let others take advantage of you and run your life. Non-assertive adults don’t know how to say “no,” which overburdens their schedules as well as their mental well-being.

Self-Evaluation Scenario

Let’s look at another self-evaluation. Let’s say that you really want to go on a trip. You don’t want to go alone, so you are thinking about inviting your friend Julie. How would you approach asking her?

The assertive person will present the idea clearly and with respect for his or her friend. The person may approach it like this: “Hey Julie, I could really use a vacation because I’m feeling like I need some pampering. I would love to go somewhere tropical in the spring and enjoy the beach and some hiking with you. Would you be interested? Could you please check your schedule to see if you’d be available?” This dialogue is respectful, yet full of information about your wants (vacation, beach time, and hiking) and needs (the time of year you’re available and your need to feel pampered).

The overly aggressive person might say this: “Julie, I’m booking my vacation for the beach next week. I want you to go, but you’ll need to let me know right away if you can come. I’ve already picked a hotel by the beach for the second week in May. You’ll need to pay me your half up front and book your own airline ticket.” None of this dialogue would put Julie in a vacation mood. She’d probably feel more like a hostage on this getaway since all decisions have been taken out of her hands.

A passive person might approach the same situation this way: “Julie, I’ve been thinking about a vacation. Don’t know if you’ll want to go, but I guess the beach would be ok. Let me know if you can go.” This conversation would probably make Julie feel as though she’s the last person on Earth you want on your vacation. She’s also not likely to know where or when to go. She will probably be left feeling that it’s now up to her to plan your vacation together, and you’ll just be along for the ride.

Again, what would your normal approach be to the situation? Would it be that of a passive person or would it be that of an overly aggressive person? If you see yourself as not worthy of people’s time, they aren’t likely to listen to you when you do speak up. If you see yourself as better than someone else, you’re likely to discount their opinions and push your agenda right over theirs.

Assertive behavior never loses sight of respect for others. It allows for a balance of expressing your needs while respecting others’ needs. If you really want that vacation with Julie, the best way to get it is to set boundaries about what you want and respect her wants, too. Besides, if Julie’s truly your friend, you’ll want honesty between the two of you. Though it may sound overly simplistic, the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have done to you” is a perfect way to approach assertive communication.

From the above quiz and scenario, determine where you stand as it relates to how you perceive yourself. Do you see yourself in low regard? Are you overly passive? Do you expect others to make decisions for you? Do you have holes in your boundaries that people exploit?

If so, then you have to first change your self-perception. You need to change it from weak to strong. To be an assertive communicator, you must stand on a strong foundation of self and have the view that you are a person worthy of respect. If you don’t have a strong foundation to stand on, assertive communication will not work for you.

Building a Strong Foundation

In this section, we examine two ways to develop a healthy self-perception. We start by establishing your rights. Then we help you improve your beliefs about who you are and the value you bring. Together, these two will make you feel more secure about who you are and your rights as a person. They will provide the positive support you need to ease into the assertive process.

“Bill of Rights” of Assertiveness

The “Bill of Rights” of assertiveness, from Manuel J. Smith’s book When I Say No, I feel Guilty is a set of rules that gives you internal fortitude and serves as a reminder that you are worthy of respect. Shifting your mindset and using these rights as boundaries will allow you to assess your needs and wants calmly. It will help remove many of the passive feelings like guilt, doubt, and fear that can cause you to second-guess your decisions or actions:

Assertive Right 1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right 2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right 3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

Assertive Right 4: I ha...

Table of contents

• INTRODUCTION
• Chapter 1 - How Do You See Yourself?
• Chapter 2 - How Do Others See You?
• Chapter 3 - Put Your Plan to Work in Your Personal Relationships
• Chapter 4 - Making It Work (At Work)
• Chapter 5 - The Global Shift from Goods to Services
• Chapter 6 - Raising Assertive Children
• Chapter 7 - Making the Transition
• Conclusion - Your New Toolkit