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- 192 pages
- English
- ePUB (mobile friendly)
- Available on iOS & Android
eBook - ePub
Rien ne va Plus
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About This Book
The story is simple: a love affair ends badly. A woman and a man marry, then cruelty, infidelity, and divorce. But this novel tells their story twice, from opposing perspectives. Our sympathies are inverted; we don't know whom to trust; the distinction between truth and deception blurs, and then seems simply to dissolve. The novel shifts deftly between endless oppositions: lover and beloved, angel and demon, master and slave, reader and writer. But inevitably both stories must arrive at the point of rien ne va plus: the moment in roulette when all bets are off and you either win or loseāthe moment when the game becomes fate. Margarita Karapanou's third novel is an extraordinary experience in fiction: devastating and brave and true.
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part one
1.
His eyes were purple, cold, the eyes of a fish. But he was so dazzlingly handsome that his beauty instantly obscured the sense I had of the horror that was to come. All evening, though I found him very attractive, I had the impression that among the guests in the room roamed a reptile with purple eyes, a perfect nose, a handsome mouth, and an exquisite, aggressive sophistication. Alkiviadis talked of nothing but water heaters, how you should leave them off so as not to waste money, and if you do turn them on, it should only be an hour before showering.
āOf course, I always take cold showers, he said, and laughed.
2.
āWhy do you suppose I like homosexuality? Alkiviadis asked me.
āBecause the people who love you canāt ever follow you to the place where you go with the boys. Homosexuality is a hermetically sealed world that belongs to each of us alone. Itās almost as if youāve died.
Only years later, after the unspeakable had happened, did this statement take on its full significance.
3.
On our wedding night, Alkiviadis suggested we go to a gay bar. I agreed. I still had rice and flowers in my hair.
āI want to show you something, he insisted, flushed and excited, like a child.
I was the only woman in the bar. When I walked in, the men eyed me aggressively, then with curiosity. But when they saw Alkis, they settled down.
āWatch this, he told me.
A blond boy directly across from us was staring at Alkiviadis. He was young, skinny and shy, not even good-looking.
Alkiviadis, who also had rice and flowers in his hair, took a business card from the pocket of the suit heād worn to the church and went over to the boy. From a distance I listened to his cool, metallic voice, to the insolence barely disguised by his courteous manner.
āMy wife and Iāwe just got married todayā would be very pleased if you would come to see us tomorrow evening. Here, the address is on my card, we live in Glyfada. It would make us very happy.
He gave the boy his card. There was something so bizarre about the formality of the scene. My eyes welled with tears. Alkiviadis in his wedding suit, the boy in jeans.
āWell, goodbye, Alkis said.
He came back over to where I was sitting.
āDid you see that? He looked at me.
The boy couldnāt have been more than fifteen.
Much later I understood that even then, on the first day of our marriage, Alkiviadis wanted urgently to prove something to me.
āI donāt even like him. He lit a cigarette.
There was something so repulsive, yet so seductive about this exchange. I felt as if Iād eaten something I couldnāt quite digest right away. It was more than I could deal with, so I erased it from my memory even as it was taking place.
And so on the first night of our marriage I loved Alkiviadis absolutely, as if nothing had happened.
It started to snow. Glyfada went completely white. There were no taxis or buses. Alkiviadisās place didnāt have heat. And the water heater was off, so I couldnāt even take a hot bath.
āShould I turn it on? I asked.
āNo. Go and sit by the space heater.
The snowstorm kept up the next day, too. All day long we made love. Around six Alkiviadis decided to read Proust. He was reading Le temps retrouvƩ when the doorbell rang.
āWho could that be? I asked.
āMust be one of the neighbors. No one would go far in this cold.
I went to answer the door.
The blond boy stood before me, shivering, soaked to the skin.
āI walked for hours. Is your husband home?
It occurred to me that I wouldnāt have gone out for anyone in such weather. The boy must have wanted Alkis very badly.
I started to shiver, too.
āIāll be right there, Alkiviadis called from the bedroom. Keep him company, Iāll be out in a minute.
The boy and I sat down on the sofa. He seemed uncomfortable. I was wearing one of Alkisās sweaters over my nightgown. We were both shivering.
āWhat sort of work do you do? I asked.
āIām training to be a flight attendant.
āYou like to fly?
āYes, he said, and smiled, glancing toward the bedroom.
āWould you care for a drink? Iām the lady of the house here, you know.
āYes. A little brandy, in one of those tall glasses.
His hands were blue from the cold.
āIām a writer, I told him.
āAnd I donāt really like women, he replied. He took a sip of the brandy and lit a cigarette. This time his smile was twice as wide.
āI canāt believe you two got married yesterday.
āNeither can I.
Alkis came into the room wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Barefoot. He sat next to the boy and kissed him on the mouth. The boy embraced him so passionately that I understood why heād walked so far in the snow. It frightened me.
I rose and started toward the bedroom. The cat, Caesar, jumped up on my back as if to strangle me.
Alkiviadis pushed the boy away and chased after me.
āStay here, he said. Itās no fun with just him.
I went back and sat in the armchair. They started kissing again.
āI canāt, not with your wife watching.
āBut thatās what I want, Alkiviadis answered. If you canāt, then leave.
They undressed. Their bodies twined together, unbelievably beautiful. I watched, smoking. I liked it. But I still cried.
Itās just a bad dream, I thought, Iāll wake up soon. Then my mind started to wander, as if I really were dreaming, or feverish.
I started to think about my dog Alana. How she sleeps in her very own chair, how she looks at me when sheās hungry or wants to be petted, how she rests her head right at the base of my neck as if in prayer. Iād never loved my dog as much as I did on that night with the snow and the moaning, the cold, the two pairs of jeans tossed on the rug.
The boy seemed to feel more at home when they were done.
āWhyād you get married, man? Are you crazy?
Still out of breath, he lit a cigarette and stroked his naked belly. It was the first time heād spoken to Alkiviadis so informally, using the singular.
āMan, whyād you get married? Are you nuts?
āGet dressed and get out, Alkiviadis snapped. We did what we had to do. Now I want to be with my wife, whom I adore, and to enjoy Proust with her.
āWhatās Proust?
āA brand of ice cream. Now get up, get dressed, and get out. Just close the door behind you, I donāt feel like getting up.
āThe jerk went and got married, the boy went on. Sheās a lucky lady, your wife. She even gets a free showā¦
āBeat it, or Iāll beat you.
Alkisās eyes had gone dark purple, as they always did when he was very angry.
The boy got dressed and left, whistling.
Alkis and I lay down on the bed and began to read Proust.
The answering machine was on, the volume high: This is Alkiviadisā¦ Iāll be back in the office on Monday, January 21st. Until then Iāll be away on my honeymoon. All evening while the blond boy was in the house, and all night after he left, this message kept blaring.
4.
āI love you more than anything, Alkiviadis told me, eyeing the boys around him in the cafĆ©, who returned his gaze.
āAlkis, are you only attracted to boys?
āYes, but itās you I love.
My cup of coffee spilled on the lap of the blond boy at the table next to ours. He was wearing green corduroy pants.
āItās nothing, he said, catching Alkisās eye.
5.
āDo you love me? I asked.
āMore than anything in the world.
āBut you donāt love anything.
āThatās why I love you.
6.
āYou should be careful, Alkis told me. Youāre the suicidal type. Depression is a sure road to suicide.
I laughed.
āBut Alkis, I could never kill myself. It isnāt in my nature, my character; I just donāt have it in me. Besides, I find suicide vulgar and aggressive. People only kill themselves in order to hurt other people. It isnāt heroic, itās a despicable crime. No, I could never do it. Could you?
Alkis laughed.
āCan you picture me committing suicide?
We both laughed.
āNo, I told him. Youāre the last person in the world who would destroy yourself. Youāre too narcissistic.
Alkis lit a cigarette, deep in thought. Then he burst out laughing again.
āIād only kill myself on a weekend, when you were here. For the company.
7.
Alkiviadis was a veterinarian. It was strange, because he didnāt like animals. He never petted them. Even my dogs, heād never petted them, not once.
But during surgery, he handled the animals with infinite tenderness. He was an extraordinary surgeon. I would see such love in his eyes when an animal awoke from anesthesia, an animal heād saved from death.
It was the same way he looked at me when weād just made love.
And just as he never touched animals except during surgery, he never touched me unless we were in bed. So, with profound tenderness, Iād come to associate our bed with the operating table.
I never understood Alkiviadis; he was a mystery to the very end. I didnāt understand the end, either. But I worshipped Alkis. I was like a dog being taken to the vet, a dog that both worships and fears its doctor. Now, looking back, I see that in the beginning my love for Alkis was very much like the love of a frightened animal in a veterinarianās waiting room.
Alkiviadis once operated on his cat, Caesar. He removed the catās claws to keep him from ruining the furniture. Like me, Caesar was happy because he loved Alkis. Only one thing scared me: if the cat ever escaped from the house, how would he defend himself against other cats in the street? Me, I let my nails grow.
8.
I watch Caesar jump onto the sofa, the chairs. He scratches at the velvet with his paws. Not a single mark appears, the surfaces remain smooth. Alkisās face, too, remains smooth.
āHe doesnāt know his claws are gone, so he enjoys it just the same, Alkis says.
Caesar looks quizzically at the sofa and chairs, then down at his feet. He licks his paws and runs to hide under the table. This is the last time Iāll see him rush at the furniture with such enthusiasm.
9.
āAlkis, how did you learn to make love like that?
āFirst with my own body. Then with bodies like mine. And then with you.
āYouāve never been with another woman? Besides me?
āSure I have. But they bored me. You donāt have to take boys out, or any of that crap. You donāt eat in restaurants. You screw. With them itās like being alone. And sex with them isnāt at all like making love with a woman.
āWhat about me?
āYouāre different. First of all, weāre friends, like two men. Besides, Iām in love with you precisely because youāre a woman. Itās what I always dreamed of. Male bodies bring me closer to you. And you send me back to them.
āDo you still sleep with men?
I was very jealous.
āNow and then.
He laughed.
āNo one should have to break his habits.
10.
āIām a pathological skinflint.
Alkiviadis himself used to tell me this.
āNo amount of money could ever be enough. Even if I had a billion dollars it wouldnāt be enough, it would seem like nothing. Without money I feel naked, exposed. No matter how much I had, I would still feel that way. Without money I simply donāt exist.
āBut Alkis, youāre incredibly rich.
āAnd yet I live in a state of panic. I donāt like to spend. I like to hoard. Even the sight of an ashtray piled with cigarette butts fills me with satisfaction. When I have to open my wallet to pay for ou...
Table of contents
- Cover
- Rien Ne Va Plus
- Title Page
- Copyright
- Dedication
- Thought
- Part One
- Part Two
- Part Three
- Acknowledgments
- Backcover