List of all I can recall: his hair,
red and curly; I was ten; how I slept
in the top bunk, in July heat;
his first name: Richard;
damp-swollen smell of pine
and unwashed clothes in the girlsâ
cabin; waking to his hand;
the camp director forbid the piercing
of each othersâ ears â weâd catch
lockjaw â ; leg-stroke; fingers
against a sleeping bagâs clenched steel
seam; my friend Prue; the lawyerâs
call; our family room; my parents
asking me to tell them what I knew.
They asked us to tell them
the truth â there was proof â girlsâ
photos recovered from his trash;
our names and dates noted
meticulous in his little black book.
We were safe. But all of our jaws
were locked. We knew nothing
about all of that. Did not recall
those days in the infirmary,
Prue and I holding thermometer to
lightbulb, nor the inexplicable way
our eyes crossed and limbs shook.
The nurse never told. We were
homesick. We were good patients.
Mary Glover in London, 1602
I am sick, the doctors say, and offer
to count the ways. They call it
affliction of the uterus, the globus
hystericus. I call it âclod of cold
porridge lodged in the throat.â I call it
the devil and no tight lacing or
birdseed diet can exorcise that grip.
I name my tormentor, and though
I cannot speak, still the voice box tics
and creaks: Hange, Hange â
I turn round as a whoope, heade back
to hippes. They testify to the wombâs
wandering. How it constricts. Dear sirs,
donât you think Iâd know it if it did?
Donât kid yourself. You donât know
what crouches, seething, under
lock and key. An infestation:
a dozen for every one you see, hiding,
tunneling â I was ten.
Prueâs mother insisted she could hear
them chewing. They opened
the wall to a colony of carpenter ants
frothing in bulbous-black ropes.
Myrmecophobia: fear of ants. Due, I am
told, to another memory I do not
recall: an explosion of tiny ants rivering
my hands when I snapped
the dollâs head free from her neck.
Youâre a doll, her father says. She is
helpful, she smiles, she is not
bound for the doll hospital. Moors
ball-jointed limbs into place. Ask
not what nests inside her head,
dried apple balanced
on an effigyâs stuffed rag-flesh.
She cannot say. She casts spells
upon herself, a childâs poppet
pierced by pins. Here.
And here. The therapist lays the naked
doll in her hands. Where?
he asks. She schools her face.
Was it here? Or here? Or here?
Augustine, at the SalpĂȘtriĂšre, 1875
There, there, Charcot presses, oh dear
love, dear Augustine. I belong to his
unique body of cure: 1) of ether:
âThatâs how you make babies,â he says
I say, as I gently sway legs and pelvis;
2) of tuning fork: I speak of men
as beasts like big rats and when they
speak, flames emerge from their mouths.
The photographer catches it â
How my physiognomy expresses regret . . .
Abundant vaginal secretion. Speculum,
a doctor pushing his long needle into
my exposed neck, and how I smile
for the camera, a knowing smile (he says).
. . . the girls know things â flashâs
blink â eclipse on an eyelidâs
convex screen â they buried
the bodies out back, stiff
limbed â his images stacked
and shuffled like a flipbook
in the prosecutorâs h...