Preparing for a Wedding in the Episcopal Church

Tobias Stanislas Haller

• Publisher: Church Publishing
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9780819232687
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Denominations

Resource for clergy to give/use with couples seeking to be wed in an Episcopal Church Many couples come to an Episcopal Church seeking a place to hold their wedding ceremony because they love the setting in our beautiful churches. Others seek to be married in the Episcopal Church because their parents are members and/or it was the church of their childhood but have lapsed in attendance. While marriage is a tradition for many rooted in the religious tradition, the church continues to be an agent of the state in performing the legal components. And some couples are deeply connected to their parish family and seek a marriage grounded in the rites of the church. Intended as an accessible resource, clergy can give this book to couples and use as a preparation tool in planning "The Celebration and Blessing of a Marriage" in the Episcopal Church. This book will satisfy the request clergy often receive from individuals (as well as newcomers, unmarried parents, same gender couples, those seeking remarriage) who desire to be married but don't know what is involved from an Episcopal perspective. It includes essays, an outline and explanation of the marriage service, and how couples can live out the promises they make to one another.

Walking Through the Liturgies

Before the Celebration

If all has gone according to plan—and that is not always the case—all decorations and preparations for the celebration will have been put in place the day before, or at the very latest well before the arrival of any wedding guests.

Wedding guests usually begin to arrive between half an hour and fifteen minutes prior to the celebration. It is very helpful if principal and other attendants can be on hand at least forty-five minutes prior to the event. Such attendants can serve as ushers to direct and seat the wedding guests. Some couples prefer to have their friends and family mingle, while others prefer to have them sit on different sides of the church (the left side of the nave facing the altar, to the liturgical “north,” is by tradition the bride’s side). Such details should be worked out in advance and the attendants instructed on how to seat the guests; if no attendants are available, the congregation may be able to provide volunteers to assist, or the couple could call upon guests they know will be in attendance to take on this role.

If one or both of the couple are to be sequestered (for example, the groom with the clergy, while the bride is with her bridesmaids or other attendants), it is helpful to work out a way for these separate groupings to communicate with each other. One of the members of the wedding party, a trusted friend, or a member of the congregation could be given this task. In situations where, for example, a groom is to enter the church with the clergy and stand at the head of the aisle prior to the arrival of any other members of the wedding party, it is helpful for them to know when to be in place, so as not to be left standing for an inordinate amount of time.

The following sections will walk through each of the two main types of liturgy, highlighting specific points and possibilities of each.

A Note on the Post-Celebration

Numerous customs have arisen about the various stages of the post-liturgical celebration(s). It is beyond the scope of this booklet to go into the many customs (from bouquet-tossing to cake-cutting), and this is best left to the family and the wedding planner to decide.

However, some things do normally take place right after the celebration, and it is good to highlight them here.

The custom of tossing rice at the couple derives from an ancient urge toward encouraging fertility. An urban legend holds that loose rice can injure birds who consume it, but it is actually more dangerous to people if they slip or fall due to excess rice on the pavement. The solution of putting rice in little cloth bags can lead to uncomfortable pelting of the couple. Some couples have substituted birdseed (also slippery), bubbles, flower petals, or sparklers (waved, not thrown) to add to the festivity. If anything is thrown at the couple, having someone available to tidy the grounds afterward is a wise precaution.

Post-liturgy photography is also possible, including posed pictures in the church, with the officiant. Most clergy make time to allow for this, and prefer it to photography during the celebration.

If the register and license have not been signed during the celebration, it is important that this be accomplished before the couple and their witnesses have left the premises.

The Celebration and Blessing of a Marriage (BCP and 2)

THE ENTRANCE

The ceremonial entry of the participants may seem to take longer than the rest of the ceremony; this is especially true if there is a large wedding party with many attendants. The entry can include multiple pieces of music to accompany the different groups and individuals, or be as simple as the couple chooses.

There are a number of ways to approach this entrance ceremony. One tradition is for the groom to enter unobtrusively with the best man and clergy (having been alerted by an appointed messenger to the fact that all is ready), and stand at the chancel or altar steps to await the arrival of the remainder of the wedding party, with the bride coming last of all, accompanied by her presenter/s (a father, another relative or friend, both parents) or alone. If this is the chosen form, the order of entry (not including the groom, best man, and clergy) could be:

Bridesmaids escorted by ushers (groomsmen)

Ring bearer (who may walk with or in front of the flower bearer)

Flower bearer

Maid (or matron) of honor

Bride with father (or other escort) on her left

One charming custom, if the situation applies, is for the father of the bride to lift her veil and give her a kiss. This, like the “giving” of the bride, is a relic of the days in which a woman was under her father’s custody until delivered to her husband. Some may prefer to omit such ceremonial references to the patriarchal system, while others may appreciate the symbolism reflecting parental (or paternal) affection.

This is by no means the only way for the wedding party to assemble. It is equally possible to have all but the couple enter first, and for the couple to enter from opposite sides and arrive at the designated place for the opening exhortation simultaneously. It is also possible to design the procession along the lines of the usual parish custom, with the couple and the cleric entering at the end.

The attendants of the couple should take up positions on either side, with room left for the couple themselves (the “bride’s side” is to the clergy’s right, and the congregation’s left, on the “north side” in the old terminology). Since one of the aspects of the wedding is the joining of the couple, it is good to have some visible distance between them in the early part of the ceremony, with the space decreasing as they approach the point of making their vows.

A NOTE ON CHILDREN

If young children are taking part, with rings or flowers, one of the adult attendants should be assigned on each side to be their shepherd through the course of the ceremony.

OPENING EXHORTATION

The officiant then reads the opening text, facing the assembly (including the couple). This formal address lays out in concise language the church’s teaching on God’s purposes for, and the couple’s responsibility in, marriage. It also serves, in the closing clauses, to determine that there is no impediment to the marriage known to either the community or the couple. It is customary for the officiant to pause briefly after the question to the assembly (“If any of you . . . ”) and the charge to the couple. Responses at this point are, fortunately, very rare. This portion of the rite is a vestige of the custom of the publication of banns. Some parishes continue that old custom (see the BCP, page 437) and the function is the same.

THE DECLARATION OF CONSENT

The celebrant then addresses each of the couple separately, confirming their intention and consent to marry, as well as once again highlighting the principal responsibilities of marriage. Each of the couple answers, “I will.” The celebrant then asks the assembly to express their willingness to support the couple in their married life, and a rousing “We will” is expected.

PRESENTATION OR GIVING IN MARRIAGE

The presentation or “giving” of the bride (or groom, or both of the couple) is optional. If it is to take place, it does so in response to a simple question from the celebrant. Ceremonial at this point is minimal. (If a bride’s father has not already lifted his daughter’s veil to give a kiss, this might happen at this point; a mother might do similarly for a groom; or any combination of parents or older relatives for any other couple.) There should be no joining of hands at this point, however, and the couple themselves should remain at some distance from each other. The simplest and most effective physical action upon responding to the celebrant, “I (or we) do,” is a slight bow and a step backward. The presenters may then take their seats.

The rubric provides for an interlude at this point, in the form of a hymn, psalm, or anthem. This is due in part to the fact that this generally marks a movement and transition, as the wedding party may at this time move into the choir area from the chancel steps. Instrumental music is also appropriate. Clergy can indicate it is time to move by stepping backward (with care) to allow the wedding party to move forward easily. If choir seating is available, the couple and their attendants continue to sit on opposite sides. A separate chair for each of the couple is sometimes added to highlight the uniqueness of the event.

Though there may be an urge to sit at this point, all should remain standing until the conclusion of the collect.

COLLECT

The celebrant may conveniently go to the altar for this, or simply continue to face the congregation. At the end of the collect all are seated for the reading(s) from Scripture.

SCRIPTURE READING(S)

At least one reading from Scripture is included here. The BCP rite lists the approved selections; CBM2, in addition to providing a somewhat different list, notes that other appropriate passages may be used. If communion is to be part of the celebration, the last (or only) reading will be from the Gospels.

If there is more than one reading, a psalm, hymn, or anthem may be sung or said. Unless the assembly is familiar with the hymnal, a psalm printed in the bulletin (to be read by the assembly, or by a reader, or responsively between them) or an anthem (which could be sung by a choir or soloist) is likely preferable.

Readers may be chosen from the friends of the family or from the wedding party. A deacon or other minister, if included, reads the Gospel. In the case of a mixed marriage, clergy from the tradition of one of the couple who wish to participate in the celebration might be invited to read the Gospel.

The Apostles’ Creed may follow the reading(s) or the homily. It should be omitted if one of the couple is not baptized.

HOMILY

The homily is optional, but may provide the officiant with an opportunity to give a brief instruction on the nature of marriage, expand on the language of the exhortation, or highlight some aspect of the Scripture readings. In such a case the homily is best kept short, and it may be omitted. If the couple (and a majority of the assembly) are active members of the congregation, a longer homily is appropriate, but still shorter than a regular sermon.

THE EXCHANGE OF VOWS

Prior to the exchange of vows the officiant, couple, and their primary attendants move to the place at which the vows will be exchanged. This takes place most often at the altar rail, but other locations are possible, such as the chancel steps. The use of a “wedding prie-dieu” (a double-wide kneeler with an arm/book-rest) in a convenient and perhaps more visible location is also appropriate, considering the circumstances of the church’s architecture.

At this point the couple will stand facing each other, and each will take the right hand of the other and recite the appointed text. This recitation can be committed to memory, but the officiant best prompts it, phrase by phrase. (The officiant may wish to mark a copy of the text with appropriate breaks for use in this circumstance.) It is important for each of the couple to actively take the hand of the other, and the other should not offer the hand but allow it to be taken. This also means loosing hands after the first recitation of vows. It is at this moment that the couple “take” each other in marriage, and the visual symbol is also an efficacious symbol. As the pronouncement of marriage will make clear, the joining of hands is the visible part of the public certification that the marriage is taking place, just as the vows offer verbal assurance.

The couple again loose their hands after the second of them has recited the vow.

BLESSING OF RING(S)

If rings are to be exchanged (CBM2 appears to require this, and the exchange of rings is one of the most enduring symbols of marriage; no other symbol seems to have the potency of the wedding ring), they may be blessed at this point. The rubric limits this blessing to the “Priest,” so a deacon would omit this blessing if officiating.

The priest may hold out the copy of the prayer book being used, and the principal attendant (...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Introduction
• The Marriage Canon: What the Church Requires
• The Officiant
• The Choice of Liturgy
• And So It Begins . . .
• Eligibility to Marry
• Premarital Instruction
• Witnessing and Registration
• For Those Already Married
• When Not to Wed
• Planning the Liturgy
• Walking Through the Liturgies
• Sample Forms
• Glossary