Alice, a young woman who was concerned that her 5-year-old son might be displaying indications of autism, came to see us for advice. She was concerned to understand whether some of the difficulties that she had experienced, for example a difficult divorce with her childās father, might have been related to what she perceived as her childās difficulties in communicating. In turn she was eager to tell us how these recent difficulties were in turn related to her earlier childhood and how both of these might be impacting on her and her son (see Table 1.1).
Alice outlined a number of āfactsā about her past, important events that had occurred: her parents were religiousā¦ offered little guidance in my childhoodā¦ I left the father of my child because he was violentā¦ I had no money for some timeā¦ my parents bought me a small house, but it was not in a good condition.. I paid them rent.
As RD listened, he felt angry on her behalf. She told the story in a manner of her having been a victim of her parentsā emotional neglect, their self-centred view and inability to offer her any guidance. It is often hard not to feel aggrieved on behalf of people who tell us such a story. However, after many years of listening to peopleās stories and looking at AAI interviews we have noticed that the same āfactsā(which in themselves constitute a selection from all the events that have happened) may be told in differing ways. In particular a narrative attachment perspective suggests two predominant narrative styles or tone: dismissing or preoccupied.
In contrast to both these accounts, a balanced and integrated narrative would consist of a balance of emotions and semantic statements alongside reflection about their own and their parentsā mental states and all their intentions.
Balanced
My parents were both religious and my father had a demanding job looking after his parishioners. He might have been a bit exhausted with attending funerals, and so on, and my Mum did a lot of church activities collecting for charities and so on. I can understand that at times my sister and I were a bit of a handful but we did feel neglected at times and though they tried there were times when I felt on my own with problems and had to deal with them myself. I think they thought that giving us independence and not covering us in cotton wool would make us stronger. In some ways that has made me stronger I think but perhaps has led me to become a little bit too focused on always attending to my son (Ben) who might feel a bit suffocated by me sometimes. I went off the rails a bit when I was a teenager and maybe I could have done with some more guidance and sympathy from them but I was a bit wild and I might have been a bit of an embarrassment for them at times. The church community was a bit strait-laced. Iāve thought about all this over the years and can see that even though they did not have much money they did try to look after us, for example send me on a holiday they could not really afford when I got pregnant when I was quite young and then bought us a house. Back then I blamed them quite a lot but being a parent now I can see that it is a hard job. No one gets it right all the time. I see them with Ben regularly and we get on better now. To be honest I sometimes think they are trying to compensate by being more attentive to Ben and a bit of me resents they were not more like that with me. We donāt agree on everything, but I know they love and care about me and I do them.
This extract indicates that balanced is not a ārosyā idealised version of events but has a balance of some critical thoughts about her parents along with attempts to see things from their perspective, think about their intentions and consider the contexts that shape peopleās actions.
These excerpts highlight how we can tell our stories from an attachment position or adaptation, for example, that involves dismissing our emotions, our need for others and expectations of care. Typically, since expectations of care from others are dismissed or minimised there is either an absence of holding others to account or blame for what has happened to us, or in some cases a sort of looking at events through rose-tinted glasses to make things look positive. In contrast, people may tell their story with a preoccupation with emotion, a focus on past hurt, grievances, anger, fear, sense of betrayal at how they have been unfairly treated. Often, thinking about the future is short-circuited by an emphasis on resolving these grievances before it is seen as possible to move forward. The narrative theories and therapies stress a social constructionist perspective that there are no ātruths.ā Different stories are possible but attachment theory adds substance to this by revealing how one important way that stories differ is how they are shaped by the characteristic ways we have learnt to adapt to the emotional circumstances in which we developed (Crittenden & Landini, 2011). McAdams (1993) similarly observes that the stories we develop vary in ānarrative toneā:
Our starting point is the view that the stories we create about our lives are a key component in how we live and how we develop problems and difficulties in our relationships. We create narratives about what has happened to us in our lives and these help shape how we think of our past and importantly how we view and embark on the future. The ANT approach focuses on an important set of stories that we develop about our connections, namely our emotional and sexually intimate relationships, our attachments with others, such as our parents and children, and our dependencies, experiences and expectations of trust in our relationships. Attachment theory emphasises that we have a fundamental need, which appears to be based on an evolutionary survival instinct, to engage in intimate relationships fuelled by this need, starting in infancy, to seek safety and protection with our parents/carers when faced with threats of danger, loss and adversity. These early interactions between the parent and the child produce the experiences that form the material of our developing narratives about ourselves and others. These experiences subsequently come to be shaped into broader narratives and sets of expectations that we generalise to other relationships outside our families.
However, narratives are not a passive recording of the past but constitute an active process of continual construction, reconstruction and review. We tell our stories to others and their questions, reactions, comments, additions, revisions and corrections serve to reshape our stories with each telling. As we tell our stories, powerful feelings are evoked, even when we muse to ourselves, which shape how and when we tell our stories ā for example: who we tell, what we leave out, forget or defend ourselves from remembering, alter, adjust and edit ā and, of course, why we tell. We may also alter our stories according to whom we are telling and thus how safe we feel to be honest, straightforward, open and able to access our memories. Our framework approach therefore shares much with the narrative therapies in our emphasis on working with peopleās narratives and relationships to foster change, liberation and release from their interpersonal problems. However, we add an emphasis on the emotional content of peopleās stories, and as yet unstoried experiences, such as trauma, and in particular on how they manage their feelings and attachments, for example, how they comfort themselves and others in times of anxiety, distress and difficulties. We are particularly interested in how children learn to narrate their experiences and what assists them in developing the skills for open, consistent and coherent communication of their emotional experiences. In addition, we focus on the process of the telling of the narratives to consider what types of self-protective strategies or defences people are employing as painful, shameful, uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking memories are evoked in the telling. This shares some similarities with psychodynamic models in recognising the need to elicit both what is explicit and also what is implicit ā what we find harder to articulate, and that which may not yet have reached conscious awareness. This does not involve adopting an āexpertā position of knowing better than the families we see but of finding ways to help them to articulate the more hidden, subjugated and feared aspects of their emotional experiences in their relationships and the self-protective strategies that they may have been employing. Central to this is the creation of a context of s...