I KNEW HER eight years ago. She was in my class. I donât teach full-time anymore, strictly speaking donât teach literature at allâfor years now just the one class, a big senior seminar in critical writing called Practical Criticism. I attract a lot of female students. For two reasons. Because itâs a subject with an alluring combination of intellectual glamour and journalistic glamour and because theyâve heard me on NPR reviewing books or seen me on Thirteen talking about culture. Over the past fifteen years, being cultural critic on the television program has made me fairly well known locally, and theyâre attracted to my class because of that. In the beginning, I didnât realize that talking on TV once a week for ten minutes could be so impressive as it turns out to be to these students. But they are helplessly drawn to celebrity, however inconsiderable mine may be.
Now, Iâm very vulnerable to female beauty, as you know. Everybodyâs defenseless against something, and thatâs it for me. I see it and it blinds me to everything else. They come to my first class, and I know almost immediately which is the girl for me. There is a Mark Twain story in which he runs from a bull, and the bull looks up to him when heâs hiding in a tree, and the bull thinks, âYou are my meat, sir.â Well, that âsirâ is transformed into âyoung ladyâ when I see them in class. It is now eight years agoâI was already sixty-two, and the girl, who is called Consuela Castillo, was twenty-four. She is not like the rest of the class. She doesnât look like a student, at least not like an ordinary student. Sheâs not a demi-adolescent, sheâs not a slouching, unkempt, âlikeâ-ridden girl. Sheâs well spoken, sober, her posture is perfectâshe appears to know something about adult life along with how to sit, stand, and walk. As soon as you enter the class, you see that this girl either knows more or wants to. The way she dresses. It isnât exactly whatâs called chic, sheâs certainly not flamboyant, but, to begin with, sheâs never in jeans, pressed or unpressed. She dresses carefully, with quiet taste, in skirts, dresses, and tailored pants. Not to desensualize herself but more, it would seem, to professionalize herself, she dresses like an attractive secretary in a prestigious legal firm. Like the secretary to the bank chairman. She has a cream-colored silk blouse under a tailored blue blazer with gold buttons, a brown pocketbook with the patina of expensive leather, and little ankle boots to match, and she wears a slightly stretchy gray knitted skirt that reveals her body lines as subtly as such a skirt possibly could. Her hair is done in a natural but cared-for manner. She has a pale complexion, the mouth is bowlike though the lips are full, and she has a rounded forehead, a polished forehead of a smooth Brancusi elegance. She is Cuban. Her family are prosperous Cubans living in Jersey, across the river in Bergen County. She has black, black hair, glossy but ever so slightly coarse. And sheâs big. Sheâs a big woman. The silk blouse is unbuttoned to the third button, and so you see she has powerful, beautiful breasts. You see the cleavage immediately. And you see she knows it. You see, despite the decorum, the meticulousness, the cautiously soignĂ© styleâor because of themâthat sheâs aware of herself. She comes to the first class with the jacket buttoned over her blouse, yet some five minutes into the session, she has taken it off. When I glance her way again, I see that sheâs put it back on. So you understand that sheâs aware of her power but that she isnât sure yet how to use it, what to do with it, how much she even wants it. That body is still new to her, sheâs still trying it out, thinking it through, a bit like a kid walking the streets with a loaded gun and deciding whether heâs packing it to protect himself or to begin a life of crime.
And sheâs aware of something else, and this I couldnât know from the one class meeting: she finds culture important in a reverential, old-fashioned way. Not that itâs something she wishes to live by. She doesnât and she couldnâtâtoo traditionally well brought up for thatâbut itâs important and wonderful as nothing else she knows is. Sheâs the one who finds the Impressionists ravishing but must look long and hardâand always with a sense of nagging confoundmentâat a Cubist Picasso, trying with all her might to get the idea. She stands there waiting for the surprising new sensation, the new thought, the new emotion, and when it wonât come, ever, she chides herself for being inadequate and lacking . . . what? She chides herself for not even knowing what it is she lacks. Art that smacks of modernity leaves her not merely puzzled but disappointed in herself. She would love for Picasso to matter more, perhaps to transform her, but thereâs a scrim drawn across the proscenium of genius that obscures her vision and keeps her worshiping at a bit of a distance. She gives to art, to all of art, far more than she gets back, a sort of earnestness that isnât without its poignant appeal. A good heart, a lovely face, a gaze at once inviting and removed, gorgeous breasts, and so newly hatched as a woman that to find fragments of broken shell adhering to that ovoid forehead wouldnât have been a surprise. I saw right away that this was going to be my girl.
Now, I have one set rule of some fifteen yearsâ standing that I never break. I donât any longer get in touch with them on a private basis until theyâve completed their final exam and received their grade and I am no longer officially in loco parentis. In spite of temptationâor even a clear-cut signal to begin the flirtation and make the approachâI havenât broken this rule since, back in the mid-eighties, the phone number of the sexual harassment hotline was first posted outside my office door. I donât get in touch with them any earlier so as not to run afoul of those in the university who, if they could, would seriously impede my enjoyment of life.
I teach each year for fourteen weeks, and during that time I donât have affairs with them. I play a trick instead. Itâs an honest trick, itâs an open and above-board trick, but it is a trick nonetheless. After the final examination and once the grades are in, I throw a party in my apartment for the students. It is always a success and it is always the same. I invite them for a drink at about six oâclock. I say that from six to eight we are going to have a drink, and they always stay till two in the morning. The bravest ones, after ten oâclock, develop into lively characters and tell me what they really are interested in. In the Practical Criticism seminar there are about twenty students, sometimes as many as twenty-five, so there will be fifteen, sixteen girls and five or six boys, of whom two or three are straight. Half of this group has left the party by ten. Generally, one straight boy, maybe one gay boy, and some nine girls will stay. Theyâre invariably the most cultivated, intelligent, and spirited of the lot. They talk about what theyâre reading, what theyâre listening to, what art shows theyâve seenâenthusiasms that they donât normally go on about with their elders or necessarily with their friends. They find one another in my class. And they find me. During the party they suddenly see I am a human being. Iâm not their teacher, Iâm not my reputation, Iâm not their parent. I have a pleasant, orderly duplex apartment, they see my large library, aisles of double-faced bookshelves that house a lifetimeâs reading and take up almost the entire downstairs floor, they see my piano, they see my devotion to what I do, and they stay.
My funniest student one year was like the goat in the fairy tale that goes into the clock to hide. I threw the last of them out at two in the morning, and while saying good night, I missed one girl. I said, âWhere is our class clown, Prosperoâs daughter?â âOh, I think Miranda left,â somebody said. I went back into the apartment to start cleaning the place up and I heard a door being closed upstairs. A bathroom door. And Miranda came down the stairs, laughing, radiant with a kind of goofy abandonâIâd never, till that moment, realized that she was so prettyâand she said, âWasnât that clever of me? Iâve been hiding in your upstairs bathroom, and now Iâm going to sleep with you.â
A little thing, maybe five foot one, and she pulled off her sweater and showed me her tits, revealing the adolescent torso of an incipiently transgressive Balthus virgin, and of course we slept together. All evening long, much like a young girl escaped from the perilous melodrama of a Balthus painting into the fun of the class party, Miranda had been on all fours on the floor with her rump raised or lying helplessly prostrate on my sofa or lounging gleefully across the arms of an easy chair seemingly oblivious of the fact that with her skirt riding up her thighs and her legs undecorously parted she had the Balthusian air of being half undressed while fully clothed. Everythingâs hidden and nothingâs concealed. Many of these girls have been having sex since they were fourteen, and by their twenties there are one or two curious to do it with a man of my years, if just the once, and eager the next day to tell all their friends, who crinkle up their faces and ask, âBut what about his skin? Didnât he smell funny? What about his long white hair? What about his wattle? What about his little pot belly? Didnât you feel sick?â
Miranda told me afterward, âYou must have slept with hundreds of women. I wanted to see what it would be like.â âAnd?â And then she said things I didnât entirely believe, but it didnât matter. She had been audaciousâshe had seen she could do it, game and terrified though she may have been while hiding in the bathroom. She discovered how courageous she was confronting this unfamiliar juxtaposition, that she could conquer her initial fears and any initial revulsion, and Iâas regards the juxtapositionâhad a wonderful time altogether. Sprawling, clowning, cavorting Miranda, posing with her underwear at her feet. Just the pleasure of looking was lovely. Though that was hardly the only reward. The decades since the sixties have done a remarkable job of completing the sexual revolution. This is a generation of astonishing fellators. Thereâs been nothing like them ever before among their class of young women.
Consuela Castillo. I saw her and was tremendously impressed by her comportment. She knew what her body was worth. She knew what she was. She knew too she could never fit into the cultural world I lived inâculture was to bedazzle her but not something to live with. So she came to the partyâbeforehand Iâd worried that she might not show upâand was outgoing with me there for the first time. Uncertain as to just how sober and cautious she might be, I had been careful not to reveal any special interest in her during the class meetings or on the two occasions when we met in my office to go over her papers. Nor was she, in those private meetings, anything other than subdued and respectful, taking down every word I said, no matter how unimportant. Always, in my office, she entered and exited with the tailored jacket worn over her blouse. The first time she came to see meâand we sat side by side at my desk, as directed, with the door wide open to the public corridor, all eight of our limbs, our two contrasting torsos visible to every Big Brother of a passerby (and with the window wide open as well, opened by me, flung open, for fear of her perfume)âthe first time she wore elegant gray flannel cuffed pants, and the second time a black jersey skirt and black tights, but, as in class, there was always the blouse, against her white-white skin the silk blouse of one creamy shade or another unbuttoned down to the third button. At the party, however, she removed the jacket after a single glass of wine and boldly jacketless was beaming at me, offering a tantalizingly open smile. We were standing inches apart in my study, where I had been showing her a Kafka manuscript I ownâthree pages in Kafkaâs handwriting, a speech heâd given at a retirement party for the chief of the insurance office where he was working, a gift, this 1910 manuscript, from a wealthy married woman of thirty whoâd been a student-mistress some years back.
Consuela was talking excitedly about everything. Letting her hold the Kafka manuscript had thrilled her, and so everything was emerging at once, questions nursed by her over that whole semester while I had secretly nursed my longing. âWhat music do you listen to? Do you really play the piano? Do you read all day long? Do you know all the poetry on your shelves by heart?â From every question it was clear how much she marveledâher wordâat what my life was, my coherent, composed cultural life. I asked her what she was doing, what her life was like, and she told me that after high school, she didnât start college immediatelyâsheâd decided to become a private secretary. And thatâs what Iâd seen right off: the decorous, loyal private secretary, the office treasure to a man of power, the head of the bank or the law firm. She truly was of a bygone era, a throwback to a more mannerly time, and I guessed that her way of thinking about herself, like her way of comporting herself, had a lot to do with her being the daughter of wealthy Cuban Ă©migrĂ©s, rich people whoâd fled the revolution.
She told me, âI didnât like being a secretary. I tried it for a couple of years, but itâs a dull world, and my parents always wanted and expected me to go to college. I finally decided to study instead. I suppose I was trying to be rebellious, but that was childish and so I enrolled here. I marvel at the arts.â Again âmarvel,â used freely and sincerely. âYes, what do you like?â I asked. âThe theater. All kinds of theater. I go to the opera. My father loves the opera and we go to the Met together. Pucciniâs his favorite. I always love going with him.â âYou love your parents.â âVery much,â she said. âTell me about them.â âWell, theyâre Cuban. Very proud. And theyâve done very well here. The Cubans who came here because of the revolution had a way of seeing the world so that somehow they all did extremely well. That first group, like my family, worked hard, did whatever they needed to do, did well to the point where, my grandfather used to tell us, some of them who needed public assistance when they first arrived, because they had nothingâfrom some of them, after a few years, the U.S. government started to receive checks paying them back. They didnât know what to do with it, my grandfather said. The first time in the history of the U.S. Treasury that theyâd gotten a check back.â âYou love your grandfather, too. What is he like?â I asked. âLike my fatherâa steady person, extremely traditional, someone with an Old World view. Hard work and education first. Above everything. And like my father, very much a family man. Very religious. Though he doesnât go to church that much. Neither does my father. But my mother does. My grandmother does. My grandmother will pray the rosary every night. People bring her rosaries for presents. She has her favorites. She loves her rosary.â âDo you go to church?â âWhen I was little. But now, no. My family is adaptable. Cubans of that generation had to be adaptable, to a degree. My family would like for us to go, my brother and me, but no, I donât.â âWhat kind of restraints did a Cuban girl growing up in America have that wouldnât be typical of an American upbringing?â âOh, I had a lot earlier curfew. Had to be home when all my friends were just starting to get together on a summer night. Home at eight on a summer night when I was fourteen and fifteen. But my father wasnât some frightening guy. Heâs just your average nice-guy dad. Except no boy was ever allowed in my room. Ever. Otherwise, when I got to be sixteen, I was treated the way my friends were being treated, in terms of curfews and stuff.â âAnd your mother and father, when did they come here?â âIn 1960. Fidel was still letting people go then. They were married in Cuba. They came to Mexico first. Then to here. I was born here, of course.â âDo you think of yourself as American?â âI was born here, but, no, Iâm Cuban. Very much so.â âIâm surprised, Consuela. Your voice, your manner, the way you say âstuffâ and âguy.â Youâre totally American to me. Why do you think of yourself as a Cuban?â âI come from a Cuban family. Thatâs it. Thatâs the whole story. My family has this extraordinary pride. They just love their country. Itâs in their hearts. Itâs in their blood. They were like that in Cuba.â âWhat do they love about Cuba?â âOh, it was so much fun. It was a society of people that had the best of all the world. Entirely cosmopolitan, especially if you lived in Havana. And it was beautiful. And they had all these great parties. It was a really good time.â âParties? Tell me about the parties.â âI have these pictures of my mother at these costume balls. From the time she came out. Pictures of her at her coming-out ball.â âWhat did her family do?â âWell, thatâs a long story.â âTell me.â âWell, the first Spanish on my grandmotherâs side was sent there as a general. There was always a lot of old Spanish money. My grandmother had tutors at home, she went to Paris at eighteen to buy dresses. In my family, on both sides, there are Spanish titles. Some of them are very, very old titles. Like my grandmother is a duchessâin Spain.â âAnd are you a duchess as well, Consuela?â âNo,â she said, smiling, âjust a lucky Cuban girl.â âWell, you could pass for a duchess. There must a duchess looking like you on the walls of the Prado. Do you know the famous painting of VelĂĄzquez, The Maids of Honor? Though there the little princess is fair, is blond.â âI donât think I do.â âItâs in Madrid. In the Prado. Iâll show it to you.â
We went down the spiral steel staircase to my library stacks, and I found a large book of VelĂĄzquez reproductions, and we sat side by side and turned the pages for fifteen minutes, a stirring quarter hour in which we both learned somethingâshe, for the first time, about VelĂĄzquez, and I, anew, about the delightful imbecility of lust. All this talk! I show her Kafka, VelĂĄzquez . . . why does one do this? Well, you have to do something. These are the veils of the dance. Donât confuse it with seduction. This is not seduction. What youâre disguising is the thing that got you there, the pure lust. The veils veil the blind drive. Talking this talk, you have a misguided sense, as does she, that you know what youâre dealing with. But itâs not as though youâre interviewing a lawyer or hiring a doctor and that whateverâs said along the way is going to change your course of action. You know you want it and you know youâre going to do it and nothing is going to stop you. Nothing is going to be said here thatâs going to change anything.
The great biological joke on people is that you are intimate before you know anything about the other person. In the initial moment you understand everything. You are drawn to each otherâs surface initially, but you also intuit the fullest dimension. And the attraction doesnât have to be equivalent: sheâs attracted to one thing, you to the other. Itâs surface, itâs curiosity, but then, boom, the dimension. Itâs nice that sheâs from Cuba, itâs nice that her grandmother was this and her grandfather was that, itâs nice that I play the piano and own a Kafka manuscript, but all this is merely a detour on the way to getting where weâre going. Itâs part of the enchantment, I suppose, but itâs the part that if I could have none of, Iâd feel much better. Sex is all the enchantment required. Do men find women so enchanting once the sex is taken out? Does anyone find anyone of any sex that enchanting unless they have sexual business with them? Who else are you that enchanted by? Nobody.
She thinks, Iâm telling him who I am. Heâs interested in who I am. That is true, but I am curious about who she is because I want to fuck her. I donât need all of this great interest in Kafka and VelĂĄzquez. Having this conversation with her, I am thinking, How much more am I going to have to go through? Three hours? Four? Will I go as far as eight hours? Twenty minutes into the veiling and already Iâm wondering, What does any of this have to do with her tits and her skin and how she carries herself? The French art of being flirtatious is of no interest to me. The savage urge is. No, this is not seduction. This is comedy. It is the comedy of creating a connection that is not the connectionâthat...