Many of us today are addicted to "self-help" books, videos, seminars and almost anything about any area of life that we could possibly need to improve. They all have one thing in common. They tell us what is possible, if we want it, seek it, work for it, pray for it, and believe in it badly enough.
What they DON'T tell us is that there are things that we CAN'T do—no matter how fervently we want, seek, work, pray, or believe. These things are the "can'ts." They are life's impossibilities, things we will not accomplish, rewards we will never realize.
Over the years, author Steve Gottry has discovered 13 significant "you can'ts." These 13 are deceptively simple. They are also simply deceptive. Most of us, in failing to achieve them, feel that we have been defeated by events and circumstances that we should have been able to control. But the problem has nothing to do with our inability to control things around us, and everything to do with how we deal with, and eventually accept, what we can and can't do.
This book is about living a life of contentment, by moving beyond your expectations and limitations. Understanding, and accepting these thirteen limitations, you will be free to maximize your potential in ways you never imagined possible. You'll live your own life, rather than trying to live the lives of those around you, and you may also find subtle, simple ways to help those you love find happiness, too. Now is the perfect time to discover the 13 "you can'ts."
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Love is everywhere! Love, and its counterpart in some respects—sex—are the subject of most books, movies, television program, and songs.
Think about it. The Beach Boys wrote songs about loving cars, beaches, surfing, and girls. The Beatles declared, All You Need Is Love. Shakespeare wrote about the dark side of young love in Romeo and Juliet. LoveStory was an enormously popular book and movie in the 1970s. More recently, love and sex have taken on Fifty Shades of Grey.
But there are several older views of love. One is from the New Testament, found in the book of First Corinthians:
“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
“If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.
“If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
“It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
—I Corinthians 13: 1-7 (New Living Translation)
Those words represent a very high standard that is beyond my reach—and possibly yours. But it certainly poses some interesting ideas!
You Can’t Buy Love.
There’s a great book titled The Five Love Languages by an author named Gary D. Chapman. I’m not going to spoil it for you by telling you what the five languages are; you need to read the book for yourself.
But I need to make an important point here. Unless you are communicating to your partner using the language he/she most values and understands, and unless he/she is communicating with you in the language you most value and understand, you’re NOT really communicating.
Many people, I believe, misunderstand the purpose behind communication in the ideal love language. They somehow think that they can influence/cause/ bring about “love.” That they can make someone else love them.
When I was young and naïve, (now I’m old and naïve) I was in love—or so I thought—with an attractive young lady who was a year behind me in high school. (I’d mention her by name, but she’s married to a professional wrestler.)
I guess I never figured out what her preferred love language was, so I attempted to express my feelings for her in the one language I thought I understood: Giving Gifts.
So, one Christmas, I stopped by her house with what was probably close to fifteen presents, and left them with her parents. They tried to place them under their Christmas tree, but they didn’t all fit. So the rest of them went to the basement game room.
Was she impressed? No, that little ingrate was actually embarrassed. She saw my expression of love as excessive, as unnecessary, as totally silly. Our “relationship,” such as it was, basically ended right about then and there. Fortunately, I later married someone who understood and appreciated the “language of gifts.” (The problem is, I currently don’t have the cash to buy them.)
I sincerely suggest that you read Gary Chapman’s book. It will probably save you time and money, and possibly spare you from some pain.
You Can’t Buy Friends, Either.
This thought runs parallel to the main point of this chapter: “You Can’t Make Someone Else Love You.”
For several years, I owned a boat in Minnesota that was “perfect” for entertaining. So, naturally, I entertained.
I served lots of food to my clients, suppliers, and staff, and gave them a tour of the resplendent homes on the lake. There were times when there were up to twenty or twenty-two people on board. And because the boat was powered by twin Chrysler 318 inboard engines, food wasn’t my only expense. Fuel costs were right up there.
With a couple of notable exceptions, I would have to admit that the people I entertained were not my friends. They wouldn’t “go the extra mile” for me. If I were dying in some hospital and needed transfusions, I doubt they would have given blood. Some of them were blatant back-stabbers and wished me ill. They certainly never helped with cleanup after a five-hour cruise.
The difficult lesson I learned is that I couldn’t “buy” friends. (Any more than I could buy the love and affection of “Miss High School.”) So sad that it took a thirtyfoot boat with a flybridge and an amazing stereo sound system (and a huge stack of Christmas gifts) to learn that!
Stalking Your Beloved Does Not Work.
I have two friends—a man and a woman—whom I have known for many years. I have been in occasional contact with them, and have seen them in person several times … but not together. What I was not aware of was the fact that the guy (who is married) has a major “thing” for the woman. He has been “pestering” her on social media and through emails and phone calls. In fact, I would consider it to be “stalking.” (He admitted to this.)
One day a few years ago, she emailed me and said, “You know him well, if I recall. Would you mind talking to him and telling him that I am just not interested? Even if he were single and lived next door to me, I STILL wouldn’t be interested.”
So, I did exactly that. But I haven’t talked to either one of them since, so I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if it was ever resolved. (I think he was upset with her for telling me, and I turned out to be the Messenger he wanted to Shoot. Or perhaps they are living “happily ever after.” Together or not. Who knows?
Love Is Both Objective And Subjective.
“Subjective” means that you are attracted to another human being’s appearance, personality, intelligence, beliefs, or even money. And that is basically why you love that person. (Or THINK that you do.)
“Objective” means that your opinions (or statements) are unbiased or “fact-based.” You love your twin children Roberta and Robert, because they are your children … not because they are cute, funny, smart, or because of any other factor or trait. Your love is unbiased and based on the obvious facts.
Love often begins with subjective information (appearance, personality, or bank account value), but, over time, love may more fully develop, and it becomes more objective. After all, looks can fade, weight gain sometimes occurs, personalities can change under the stresses of life, and cash in the bank can be used up. NOTHING is FOR SURE or FOREVER … unless it’sthe thirteen “You Can’ts” (and that could grow to be a list of fifteen, seventeen, twenty-one or more).
My personal belief is that as wonderful, poetic, beautiful, mystical, and important love is, love can actually be broken down and understood in two basic categories.
This is so basic—so simple—that perhaps I should be punished for actually discussing it. Yet, there just might be a couple of readers out there who don’t yet know this basic fact. The ONLY TWO KINDS OF LOVE are:
CONDITIONAL LOVE, and
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Conditional Love is often all about “Me, me, me.” (“I will love you if there is something in it for me.”)
Unconditional Love is all about, “You, you, you.” (“I will love you no matter what! Even if you hurt me.”)
Conditional Love may help explain why there have been so many unwanted babies and terminated pregnancies over the years. The male in the relationship says something like, “If you REALLY love me, you would PROVE it to me!” And far too many young ladies have fallen for that unbelievably selfish...
Table of contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Foreword by Rabbi Daniel Lapin
Introduction
One. You Can’t Read the Minds of Others
Two. You Can’t Make Yourself Responsible for the Health of Others
Three. You Can’t Make Yourself Responsible for the Happiness of Others
Four. You Can’t Give Your Children—Or Anyone Else—Everything They Want
Five. You Can’t Teach Others What They Don’t Want to Learn
Six. You Can’t Say “Yes” to Every Request from Everyone
Seven. You Can’t Answer Every Question Asked of You
Eight. You Can’t Achieve Every Goal, Desire, or Dream
Nine. You Can’t Instill Goals, Desires, or Dreams In Others
Ten. You Can’t Take Someone Else’s Place In Life … Or Death
Eleven. You Can’t Love Everyone
Twelve. You Can’t Make Someone Else Love You
Thirteen. You Can’t Love Others Without Loving Yourself
