F*ck Your Comfort Zone

TAKE A RISK AND BECOME THE LEAD IN YOUR OWN LIFE

MARGIE HABER

• Publisher: Regan Arts.
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781682451977
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

Are you stuck in your comfort zone?
In your relationships, in your work, and in your life?
What has it done for you lately? I thought so.
It's time to f*ck your comfort zone.
Margie Haber will gently and compassionately guide you out of your comfort zone and into a life of bravery, risk-taking, and being the best version of yourself. With Margie's help, you will learn how to transform your fear into personal power and approach life with empathy, humor, and curiosity. It will change everything. Whether in the intimate setting of her acting-intensive classes, in front of hundreds of corporate clients, or in this book, Margie teaches you how to happily live in the unknown and find the courage to be the lead in your own life. "Margie helped me make all kinds of moves. If you want to know how, it's in this book. Read it!"
— Tiffany Haddish, comedienne, author, and actress ( Girls Trip, Like a Boss ) "I F*CKING LOVE THIS BOOK! It made me feel brave, resourceful, and, most important, creatively inspired. This book is a no-nonsense guide to living a new life, one where you get to be the lead. I recommend it to anyone who needs a dose of 'F*ck it' in their lives. I certainly do. "
— Lisa Rinna, Actress, Author, Television Personality "Life begins outside your comfort zone. In Margie's class, I always felt like that. This book will make you feel like a new person too—like nothing can stop you. Enjoy!"
— Toni Garrn, Model, Actress, Humanitarian "I was defined by perfectionism. I was afraid to be imperfect. There was no room for mistakes or vulnerability until I met Margie Haber. She gave me permission to be human."
— Haddis Tadesse, Director, Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation "Depression was my dark friend. Getting out of my comfort zone was my being willing to say goodbye to him. I wish I had F*ck Your Comfort Zone when I was younger. Margie always tells it like it is! I highly recommend it."
— Rick Springfield, Grammy Award-Winning Musician, Actor, Author

1 To Be or Not to Be… in Control

It’s All About Structure

My life was certainly unpredictable when I accepted a teaching job in Jakarta, Indonesia. Everyone was warning me of the danger, especially as a Jewish American woman who is gay. They freaked me out so much that I even bought a purse with a Canadian symbol on it.

On the first day in Jakarta, forty adults, the majority of them Muslim, entered my classroom. I had taken the risk to be there, so I knew I had to also risk being my true self, Margie Haber.

The first thing I did was tell them who I am. I “outed” myself completely, in all aspects, and they embraced me. There was no scary or dangerous aftermath, only acceptance. I became familiar with Muslim practices and, in turn, embraced them. During our lunch breaks, they would leave for an hour to pray. Being Jewish, I ate pizza.

My first exercise for the class involved taking them back to their childhood to find an object in their bedroom. While their eyes were closed, I heard a terrible sobbing and realized it was coming from a student named Jodie. I asked everyone to open his or her eyes and be present with us while I knelt down to comfort her.

Jodie shared her childhood experience with the class: “When I was six, I was confined in a medical bubble in the hospital due to a very rare disease. I couldn’t be in physical contact with anyone. A thick glass imprisoned me from the rest of the world. Before I entered, my mother gave me a rag doll that I held constantly for five years while in medical confinement.” Jodie, sobbing, continued. “My doll disintegrated after a few years, and I was left with nothing to touch or love in the facility.”

I was heartbroken for her. The other thirty-nine students leaned forward in silent support as I held the young woman in my arms until she was ready to let go. Her willingness to release control and risk being seen for exactly who she was set the tone for the rest of the week in my class. Everyone took at least small steps outside of their neutral, safe existence. They took the chance to release the need to control, and the power in the room was undeniable.

I was sad to hear from another student that, six months later, Jodie died. The debilitating illness of her childhood had taken its toll. However, it lifted my sense of purpose to also find out that her last months on earth were lived with confidence, self-acceptance, and appreciation for what made her unique. It was her courage to be vulnerable that allowed her to trust others and live a life of dignity. Her experience in my class was profound for everyone in the room. I will always be grateful to her, as she reminded me, once again, that we are all the same.

I am a top Hollywood acting coach who teaches actors to open up, let go, and create a more fulfilling life on stage or on camera, and even more important, in real life.

Actors, at any age, are just like all of us. They believe if they can control their results and book jobs, they will be happy. It’s a myth. Control is our nemesis. Control builds a wall. Control protects us from everything, including our own feelings, even joy. And this need to control is a universal theme for human beings. We’ve been led to believe that being in control is the way to a successful and happy life.

How’s it going for you so far?

I thought so.

It’s time to challenge that belief system and find some real joy.

CONTROL DOES ONE THING REALLY WELL: IT GETS IN YOUR WAY

Now, this control thing is sneaky. It hides behind many different masks.

I always thought it was my wife (yes, I have a wife) who was the controlling one. Susan controls the volume on the remote. She drives the car, even if I am in the driver’s seat! At a restaurant, she always has to sit facing the people, leaving me to face the bathroom door. She is a neat freak. I can come home from a day of work only to find that half my clothes in the closet aren’t there anymore. She declutters everything. It’s not unusual to find my hearing aid in the garbage!

But then, I looked closer at myself. It seems there’s more than one control freak living at our address. I freak out if we are five minutes late. I demand to take thousands of pictures of my son, Michael, even though he has forbidden it. I even control how my friends play charades!

CONTROL IS THE ENEMY, STRUCTURE IS THE HERO

Structure is a map, a guide, and a frame that allows us some freedom to be messy inside. What would happen if I applied some structure and dropped the control? Even if I’m ten minutes late, I need to drive like I am early, stay calm, take some breaths, and realize there will be no consequences. Maybe I don’t get to take all the pictures I want of my son. Maybe I can just live in the memory of those moments and ask for one or two that represents our time together. And maybe, just maybe, I can share with others the structure of the game by allowing them to play it their own way. Wow—giving up control is so much less stressful!

POUND FOR POUND, STRUCTURE MEASURES UP

After a year of eating whatever I wanted, I was informed by my jeans that it was time to return to Weight Watchers (now known as WW International), which I had used twenty years earlier to drop weight. Today’s Weight Watchers is a whole different program with many new, complicated (for me, anyway) choices—instead of counting calories, every food is assigned a number of points. There’s so much more room for eating a lot more food. It scared me in the beginning. I didn’t trust it. I controlled everything that I put in my mouth. I stuck to eating only the “zero point” foods. Everyone told me that I could eat the daily chocolate See’s lollipop that I love because it was “only” four points. Four points! That’s a quarter of my allowance for a day!

After my first week on the program, I went to a party for a film that I had worked on. All the drinks and food were free, so I didn’t even think about what I was about to put in my mouth. I was offered a cosmo and took my first sip. Then it occurred to me. Weight Watchers! I nonchalantly placed the drink on a corner table (cosmos are notoriously high in points). All around me were plates of greasy hamburgers, fatty spare ribs, and spicy french fries. I started to panic. Would I lose control? What should I do?

I didn’t need to control it. I only needed some structure. I went home and ate a turkey sandwich with cheese and mustard and sliced apples in place of bread—delicious, and one point! By replacing control with structure, I can have a cosmo as long as I made a conscious decision. I can keep my chocolate lollipop in my daily routine. I can choose to eat steak and not a side of beef. I can eat a baked potato without it dripping in butter and scoops of sour cream. It was a liberating experience to know I can trust my choices within a structure. Every choice was a small victory that came with happiness.

A DREADED SPEECH, SAVED BY STRUCTURE

One afternoon, I got a call from Robert, a top executive at a prestigious bank. “I was told you were the person who could make me a better speaker. I don’t seem to have a knack for it.”

On the first day, when he arrived at my studio, I realized we had a lot of work to do. He was sternly dressed in a pinstripe suit, a skinny tie, and recently polished shoes. It all looked like it came from my father’s closet. Emotionless, with a frown on his face, he pulled out his typed pages and started reciting the speech: the mission of Wells Fargo and how to satisfy customers’ needs. He had every fact listed, accompanied by the most boring slides.

I stopped him halfway through. I suggested we let go of the facts and 90 percent of the slides. He told me that he needed all of it so he could know exactly what he was doing. I asked him to trust me and let go of control.

I had him get up and talk about the things he loved and the people he felt passionate about. At first, he resisted, thinking it was not about the speech, but he went with it. Next, I had him talk about the company and the best day he ever spent there. His stern face softened, and his frown turned upside down. Eventually, I helped him understand that there is no such thing as a “speech.” He could let go of his choices by replacing control with structure. He could frame what he wanted to say but not be controlled by every word. I encouraged him to use this structure to become a messy human being and to trust that his relationship with the audience would guide him.

By the third session, Robert wore a casual shirt. The following week, he exchanged his suit for jeans, a sweater, and a pair of Nike Air sneakers. Later, he dared to replace his Honda with a BMW! It was a huge victory for this courageous young man. Robert left not only as a better communicator but a happier person.

OH GOD, I NEED THIS JOB!

Do you freak out over the interview process? If so, you are not alone. Many people dread it. They spend hours deciding what clothes to wear. Some come up with a biography to memorize. They know every word they are going to say and, therefore, assume they will be in control of the interview. Others spend days researching the company to know precisely what the interviewer wants when they walk into the room. They can’t stop obsessing about how to control the interview in order to land the job.

Believe me, I understand how scary interviews can be. When I wrote my first book, How to Get the Part… Without Falling Apart!, my publisher booked me on CNN and Entertainment Tonight. I was freaking out! I was sure only a handful of people would be watching, but I was scared shitless! I was sitting on a tall stool in a small studio, waiting to be interviewed, when the panic and racing thoughts began. What are they going to ask me? Will I be good? Will I throw up?

I started to get palpitations. I noticed the interviewer looking behind me. I turned around and saw someone holding up a board with questions written in pencil. (That’s how low-budget this show was.) Holy shit! I don’t know any of those answers! I screamed inside my head. I felt faint and couldn’t breathe, but right before I was sure tha...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Dedication
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: To Be or Not to Be… in Control
• Chapter 2: Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone
• Chapter 3: Am I a Drama Queen in Disguise? Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor
• Chapter 4: Does Your Armor Serve You?
• Chapter 5: Pieces of Ourselves–The Five Ego States
• Chapter 6: Being Present
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Copyright