Inside Out

How to Have Authentic Relationships with Everyone in Your Life

Sarah Abell

• Publisher: Hodder Faith
• Year: 2011
• ISBN:
  9781444703399
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

Are your friendships as strong as you'd like them to be? Are you struggling with a relationship at the moment? Have you ever wondered why some people make you react in a certain way?Do you wish you didn't lose your temper so much or that you could express your emotions more easily? Would you like to understand those around you better?If you want to have genuine, meaningful relationships with anyone and everyone in your life, INSIDE OUT is the book for you. Full of practical advice, it will show you how to invest in authentic relationships - one of the most rewarding adventures we can ever undertake.

section three

understanding the ‘you’ factor

7. why an apple doesn’t fall far from the apple tree

The shadow cast by the family tree is truly an astonishingly long one.

MAGGIE SCARF, AUTHOR

In my family I’ve learned that it’s much nicer to have a brother and sister than to be lonely and have no one to talk to. Although if I didn’t have them more money would go to me instead!

JEMIMA, AGED NINE

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.

HOMER SIMPSON

taking a look inside

In the next three chapters I want us to take a journey inside to find out how who we are impacts on how we relate. Our character, our experiences, our upbringing and our past relationships will all have an effect on how we connect with people in the here and now.

There’ll be some of us who would rather not look back or inside. Perhaps we are scared of what we may (or may not) find. Perhaps we don’t want to revisit any hurtful or bad memories. Perhaps we think it isn’t good to navel gaze – that any introspection is self-indulgent and unnecessary. Perhaps we think it would be disloyal to some of the people who were involved in our past. Or perhaps we feel that our history is no longer relevant to the person that we are today. I can relate to all those sentiments because that is exactly what I used to think.

I was at least twenty-five before I took my first look inwards and I didn’t relish the idea. In many ways I still don’t! But I’ve learnt that the more self-aware I am and the more I understand where my responses come from, and take responsibility for them, the more authentic I can become. Whether I want it to be the case or not, how I relate on the outside is determined by what is going on in the inside. And how I am on the inside has a lot to do with the past. That will be true for most of us.

In the next chapter I’ll look at some of the other things that may have influenced us along the way but in this one I will just concentrate on the family that we grew up in.

the relevance of the apple tree

I once interviewed some people on the street about their views on marriage and relationships. One of the questions was: how does your upbringing affect your marriage or relationship today? A German lady answered: ‘The apple doesn’t fall very far from the apple tree.’ In other words, she was saying that the family we came from helped to shape who we are today.

If you are over thirty-five you can probably testify to the truth of that statement (I say thirty-five because sometimes it can take that long before you really start to notice). There comes a day for most of us when we suddenly catch ourselves saying or doing something that reminds us of our mum or dad. You see something of them in you and it is then you realise that, ‘Oh dear, I’m an apple too.’ (I say ‘Oh dear’ because we are normally more aware of the negative traits that we’ve picked up than we are of all the positive ones.)

No other relationships shape us as much as those with our families, and in particular the relationships we have (or don’t have) in our first seven years. These set the foundation and the blueprint for how we see and do relationships for the rest of our lives. We pick up much more than just our genes from our family. Our home is the first classroom where, either consciously or subconsciously, we learn about relating. We learn: whether relationships are safe or not; about how others respond to us and our needs; how we should respond to them and their needs; about relating skills, such as how to communicate, resolve conflict, deal with failure and show love; and what kind of feelings it is OK to express. We also lay down emotional memories that are likely to influence our ability to make and sustain relationships today.

(There may be a few people reading this chapter whose parents separated before you were seven and you may have spent your time divided between two families. If that is your situation you may want to reflect on both families and the impact they had on you. And for anyone who didn’t grow up in a family, you may want to think about the main carers who looked after you – the ones you can remember being around the most.)

Presents before or after lunch?

Have you ever gone to someone else’s family for Christmas and been amazed at how differently they behave and do things compared to your family? Each family unit is unique . . . with their own identity, relating styles, rules, values and traditions . . . and often these patterns will become our natural ‘default’. These patterns can become very evident when we live with others, get married or have children.

Let me give a couple of trivial examples. In my family we are big on writing thank-you letters but in David’s family they say a big thank-you at the time and they don’t tend to write. We had both inherited our parents’ way of doing things and thought that was ‘normal’. We came to realise that neither way was right nor wrong – just different – and together we had to work out how we were going to do things.

And then there’s the kissing. In David’s family all the men kiss each other on the cheek when they greet, in true Spanish fashion. My family is English and less demonstrative. One day, David kissed my dad and was told later that ‘we don’t do that!’ That hasn’t totally put David off trying. He is determined to get another kiss out of him one day!

Your family will probably be very different to mine. And, even within yours, how you experienced it may be very different from how your siblings (if you have any) or other family members perceived it. Sometimes siblings can have been parented very differently depending on what was going on for the parents and the birth order of the children. (For example, they may have been stricter or more cautious with the first one and more relaxed with the second.) This chapter is therefore primarily about you and your own personal experiences.

family environment

Every family will have some kind of collective identity that is greater than any of the individuals within it. In other words, if I could get into a time capsule and go back and visit you when you were seven how would I experience your family (as an insider not just as a guest)? What kind of family environment would I discover? Would I find your family on the warm side or the cold? Would there be much structure and discipline or would people be left to do their own thing?

Psychologists often identify four broad patterns of parenting styles (based on the work of Diana Baumrind). The styles are determined by how warm the parents are and how controlling their parenting is, as you can see from the diagram on the next page.

Different parenting styles

It is unlikely your parents (or main carers) will fit neatly into one particular category and your parents may well have differed from each other or may have changed over time, but as you read the descriptions try to identify which one most represents how your family seemed to you.

Just before you do that it is worth mentioning that the object of doing this is not to judge our parents or to lay the blame for any of our dysfunction (if we admit to having any) at their door but rather to help us to understand more about the impact that our family home had on how we relate now.

The truth is that despite their best hopes and motivations no parent is perfect – certainly not 100 per cent of the time. And for reasons that may be to do with the influence of their own family background or with other circumstances, which may or may not have been within their control, their parenting style may not have fitted the ideal of the first category even if they had wanted it to.

1. Love and limits (Authoritative)

In this first type of family there is lots of warmth and closeness among family members. Parents are loving but not self-indulgent. They monitor their children but don’t interfere if they don’t have to. Feelings and opinions can be expressed and are listened to by others. There are also clear boundaries. Children know what is expected of them and there are explained consequences for anyone who misbehaves. Children, as they grow, are increasingly encouraged to learn self-control, to mature in the way they express emotions and opinions, to take responsibility for their own actions and to appreciate the needs of others.

People growing up in a home like this usually develop a healthy self-esteem, are articulate, happy with themselves and generous with others. They are self-motivated, do well at school and make friends easily. Of the four categories they are the least likely to get divorced, to suffer from depression, to develop an addiction or to get involved in crime.

From our survey 28.6 per cent of those over the age of forty had families who fitted into this category. For the under-thirties that increased to 42.5 per cent.

2. Do whatever you like (Indulgent)

In this family there is also warmth and openness. When it comes to feelings, children are encouraged to ‘let it all out’. Children are rarely taught how to control their emotions or to think about the consequences of their behaviour. There are few limits and not much discipline. Parents prefer to be liked by their children and would rather avoid conflict. The children often get their own way and others looking in on this family may think the children are spoilt and over-indulged.

Children who have grown up in this kind of environment are likely to be impulsive and may find self-discipline hard. As adults, they may be immature and find it hard to accept blame or take responsibility for their actions. They are often dependent on others and are demanding in their relationships. They find it hard to submit to authority. They may be prone to addictions and may find it hard to maintain a relationship or to hold down the same job for a long period of time.

From our survey 3.4 per cent of the over-forties said their families were good with feelings but weak with boundaries. For the under-thirties that had increased to 9.4 per cent.

3. We who must be obeyed (Authoritarian)

The stereotype of this family would be the traditional pre-1960s household with strict parents and children who are seen and not heard. Angry outbursts or crying are met with disapproval. Personal problems are not really discussed and there isn’t much demonstrative warmth among family members. However, there is a lot of structure. Everyone knows what is expected of them and a lot is expected of them. There are firm rules and boundaries and definite consequences for overstepping them. Love is definitely conditional on good performance and behaviour in this family.

In more recent times, the modern trend for ‘helicopter parenting’ would fall under this category where parents micro-manage their children, organising every minute of their day, signing them up for every class, group and activity, refereeing their fights and hovering over th...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Dedication
• A Few Thanks
• How To Use This Book
• Section One – Taking Stock
• Section Two – Tuning In To Others
• Section Three – Understanding The ‘You’ Factor
• Section Four – Dealing With Tricky Issues
• Section Five – Having An Impact
• Section Six – 9781444703399 In Action
• Epilogue – The Naked Hedgehog
• Bibliography
• Further Resources
• Notes
• About the Author