71 Coltman Street

Richard Bean

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781350342149
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

I want theatre to be sweaty, exciting, unpredictable…. Mike Bradwell is on a mission to revolutionise British theatre. He's sick of fancy plays by dead blokes and wants to tell stories about real people, living real lives. And it doesn't get more real than Hull. In a freezing cold house on Coltman Street, a motley crew of unemployed actors gather to improvise a play with no name, no plot, no budget and no bookings. Richard Bean's ( The Hypocrite, One Man, Two Guvnors ) hilarious and irreverent comedy takes us back to the 70s and Hull Truck Theatre's origin story. It is a roaring combination of comedy, cabaret, farce and drama. Join us for a celebration of where it all began… This edition was published to coincide with the world premiere at Hull Truck Theatre in February 2022.

The Truck

Another day. Julian is on drums. Bradwell on tambourine and synthesiser. Linda on electric guitar. They are looking at lyric sheets/ music scores.

Bradwell Your Spotlight entry said you can do a Geordie accent and play the drums.

Julian (Geordie)Way aye man, photocopier.

Bradwell And play the drums?

Julian (Geordie)I’m doin’ my best, bonnie lad, and I’m keeping time.

Enter Stew. He slings on his bass.

StewEither I’m late or you’re all early. Sorry!

LindaOne, two –

Stew – hang on! Whose song are we doing? Mine. Are we doing mine? My song. Me. Me. Me.

Bradwell Linda’s song. Julian hasn’t learned the drums yet.

StewYou haven’t learned the drum part of my song?

LindaNo. He hasn’t learned the drums. One, two, three, four –

Stew kicks in with the driving bass. Julian drives it further with the drums. Bradwell makes weird noises with the synthesiser. It’s a proper full on rock song with a guitar solo.

Linda (sings)

The ocean has been poisoned
The fish can’t breathe
The universe is dying
Time to leave
The temperature is rising
Rising fast
The ice caps are all melting
Just can’t last
The polar bears are crying
No more snow
The universe is dying
Time to go
The star ship is waiting
To carry us way past mars
We are the generation
To return to the stars
Whoa whoa whoa
Those we take will have minds like us
With fully expanded consciousness
All we need are the simple things
Like the tarot cards and the old i ching
Everyone knows you gotta go with the flow
So set your controls for the great unknown
With captain kirk as commander in chief
And scotty on the engines for some comic relief.

Guitar solo.

The star ship is waiting
To carry us way past Mars
We are the generation
To return to the stars

Ends.

JulianJanis Joplin may be dead, but her spirit lives on.

StewAll you have to do now is OD on smack.

Bradwell Maybe we can put that song in the cabaret.

StewIn the what?

LindaWe need to develop an hour’s cabaret.

JulianWhy?

BradwellMoney. We need money.

LindaTo buy a van.

JulianWhy do we need a van?

Bradwell To get to the cabaret!

LindaI spoke to Northern Foods. They might give us some money.

Bradwell Or, give us an old bread van.

StewA van made out of bread? What if it rains?

JulianBirds?

LindaGraham Burke, marketing director for Yorkshire and Humberside, he’s visiting, here, today. Four o’clock.

Bradwell Can everyone try and not call him a capitalist pig.

JulianWe look like a bunch of freaks.

StewWe are a bunch of freaks.

Bradwell I’d love it if we could offer him a cup of tea.

JulianWhat?! You mean actually start a new tea bag?

Bradwell In a clean cup. And a biscuit.

JulianAre you mad?! Where are we going to get a biscuit?

Bradwell For fuck’s sake!

LindaI know it’s a pain meeting a Tory but we need the bread, to buy a van, to get to gigs, to earn bread!

Bradwell That is how capitalism’s pointless merry-go-round works.

StewAre you Workers Revolutionary Party?

Bradwell Fuck off.

StewSocialist Worker?

Bradwell Fuck off.

StewNazi party?

Bradwell They had good costumes.

LindaWe’re not trying to change the world.

Bradwell People who are preachy, political, proselytising, they’re only like that, because they’re not getting a shag.

StewGandhi?

BradwellNot getting a shag.

StewThe Dalai L...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Stage Management
• Thanks
• Contents
• 71 Coltman Street
• Set
• Characters
• The Rent
• The Truck
• The Cabaret
• Improvisations
• Repercussions
• The Show
• The Critics
• eCopyright