Connecting with Students

Allen N. Mendler

• Publisher: ASCD
• Year: 2001
• ISBN:
  9781416615989
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Professional Development

How many teachers take the time to connect with students on a personal level? How do you find the time, anyway? Teachers who manage to transcend the normal student-teacher relationships can benefit everyone in school--particularly the "challenging" students--and, along the way, prevent school violence, support school safety, improve school climate, and promote learning. In a time of an increasingly rigid "zero tolerance" of the slightest hint of violence, which results in automatic suspension or expulsion, Allen N. Mendler calls for a more caring, flexible approach to school safety.

Connecting with Students outlines dozens of positive strategies for bridging the gap between teacher and student through personal, academic, and social connections. Easily tailored to any learning environment, the activities and guidelines provide you with the tools you need in the classroom, from the "H & H" greeting to the "2 x 10" method and the "4H, " "think-aloud, " and "paradoxical" strategies.

As both teachers and administrators alter their own attitudes and behavior, they learn to listen to students and accommodate their needs. The end result will be lasting relationships that can foster deeper understanding and growth for educators and students alike. In this book, you will discover ways to stay optimistic and persistent and see your students as having something to teach you.

Note: This product listing is for the Adobe Acrobat (PDF) version of the book.

Strategies for Developing Personal Connection

Collect personal index cards. It is wise to get to know your students as soon as possible. Several teachers have found it effective to give each student a 3″ × 5″ index card, and have them list such things as their favorite sport, after-school activity, food, school subject, or previous favorite teacher. There are endless questions that can be asked that will quickly enable you to get to know your students. Create a list of questions pertaining to issues, experiences, or preferences that you think your students would find interesting.

Smile! A friendly smile can go a long way toward making someone believe that she is special. It takes little effort but has a big payoff. Conventional thinking suggests that a smile is just an expression of happiness; but research has found that people who smile can actually make themselves feel happier. Some researchers have even found that people can make themselves healthier by smiling and laughing (Cousins, 1980). The message is: Don’t wait to feel good before you smile—smile and good feelings will follow.

Say “good morning” to every student you see in the hall. This is another simple gesture that takes no more time than walking through the halls in an anonymous, impersonal way, but can yield huge results in defining yourself as approachable. Make eye contact and, with a friendly smile on your face, offer a warm greeting. If you are so inclined, you might want to confront students who ignore you by responding in a friendly manner. I have walked down many high school halls and said hello to students and received no acknowledgment from them. I have trained myself to not take it personally when students don’t respond. Instead, I have become comfortable turning around, following them and then saying something like

I said hello to you and you didn’t answer me. I just wanted to let you know that it feels really good when busy people like you take the time to notice and answer back with a hello.

Be at the door and greet students as they arrive. It is best to personalize your greeting by including the student’s name. Students appreciate knowing that their teacher knows who they are.

Send home birthday cards. Nowadays it is simple to record birth dates on a computer database so that it is relatively easy to keep track of birthdays and acknowledge them with cards. It is best to hand write the student’s name and personally sign the card. Most schools will even pay the postage.

Keep pictures of your family or friends posted in class. This acknowledges you as having a life outside of school and shows that you value important people in your life. Some students will enjoy knowing that they can experience a sense of family in your presence. It can also work well to share with students those characteristics of your children that remind you of certain students. This can be particularly beneficial when you conclude by seeking advice. For example,

I sometimes have difficulty getting my son—who is about your age—to do his homework. What seems to work well with you that I might be able to do?

Ask an opinion from a student who rarely offers anything. This is an empowering behavior that is greatly appreciated, although not always acknowledged, by the student. There are many ways to do this. One of my favorites is to approach the student as she is leaving class and say, “I don’t hear from you too often in class, but you look very focused and thoughtful. I was wondering what you thought about __________. Thanks for sharing.”

An even better approach is to share the student’s opinion with the whole class. Unless the student has given you permission to do so, it is generally best to do this anonymously (“I got this great idea from one of you that I think is going to make our class work even better than it already does….”).

Do the “2 × 10.” Think of a student you find unattractive. Make a commitment to invest two uninterrupted, undivided minutes a day for 10 consecutive days to “relationship build.” If it is impossible to follow this guideline, then try to get as close to meeting it as possible. During these two minutes, you cannot do or say anything related to correcting the student’s behavior or telling the student what he must do differently to be successful in class. Anything else that is within proper moral and ethical guidelines is allowed. Expect awkwardness and abrupt communication during the first few days: Most students will be wary of your intentions, and you are unlikely to feel comfortable about knowing what to say or do. By the 10th day, most teachers report improved communication with the student, as well as evidence of better behavior.

Use the 4H method. Naddie Jones, a high school teacher in Athens, Georgia, thinks about which of her students she knows the least. After compiling a list, she greets these students daily with one of four welcoming “H’s”: handshake, high five, “how are you?” (asks), “hello” (says). Jones reports that many “tough” kids eventually open up and connect after she does this for a while. A related method is known as the “H or H” (“hug” or “handshake”; Mendler, 1997; Mendler & Curwin, 1999). Essentially, the H or H in its pure form is primarily designed for use with younger children. In this method, the teacher greets children at the door with either a hug or handshake. Each student decides her preference.

Recently, a teacher of 9th graders shared that she did the hug or handshake at the end of every class. She went on to say,

Yesterday we were going to the library. Before we left the room to go there, a student asked, “Do we have to do the hug or handshake?” He is 15 years old and was very much aware that 70 other students besides his class were going to be in the library. Almost the entire class bombarded him with, “Hey! We want our handshake.” He shook mine when he left.

Think aloud. Share ideas and conflicts aloud with the class, especially when choices aren’t absolutely clear. You can do this with academic or interpersonal conflict. For example, when you hear inappropriate language, you might say,

Whoa, when I hear words that sound disrespectful, there is a part of me that wants to argue and yell, and another equally strong part that wants to try to understand why it is that we sometimes forget where we are and what is appropriate. Hard as it is, I am going to continue behaving like an adult and get on with the lesson.

On the academic side, you could say, “I sense that some are bored with this unit, and actually so am I. But we need to get through it, so I appreciate your hanging in there.”

Offer notes of appreciation. It is remarkable how much goodwill and cooperation can be gained from students by writing notes to them about something you appreciate. A simple thank-you note in the form of an index card or sticky note is all that is needed. Perhaps the easiest thing to do is to simply thank the student in writing for cooperative behavior. Try a thank-you note to a student who often is tardy but comes to class on time one day. In fact, you might want to make a list of all the “regular,” appropriate little things that students do that are rarely noticed or generally taken for granted (getting their homework done; following class rules; behaving in a courteous way), and periodically write a thank-you note to the student about those behaviors. Keep your list handy as a reminder.

Give occasional “positive paradoxical” notes. With some of your more difficult students, you can often influence their behavior by giving them a positive note shortly after they have done something inappropriate. Like a fastball pitcher who surprises an expectant batter with a slow change-up, doing the opposite of what a student expects can lead to a positive result.

For example, Joey L. is horsing around with his buddies in the back of the class. Mr. Smith approaches him with a stern look and a prewritten note (not in an envelope or in an unsealed envelope), and tells him to give the note to his mother. Mr. Smith walks away. Naturally, Joey peeks at the note, expecting critical comments. The note reads:

Dear Ms. __________,

I have had the pleasure of having your son Joey in my class these last few weeks, and I find him to be an enthusiastic boy who is full of life. Joey is one of the more popular students and loves to socialize, and while I occassionally need to remind him to settle down, he adds a spark to our class that I really appreciate.

Sincerely,

Mr. Smith

Allow students to “borrow” personal artifacts. Relationships deepen when people share special experiences or things. If a student is involved in an athletic competition, you might lend her your “lucky” swatch of cloth. If you know of a student’s musical taste through his comments or T-shirt, you can lend a CD that you own as a way of seeking the student’s opinion or to simply share a common interest.

Develop “cueing” signals with troubled students. Many problems escalate when the teacher and student want to “save face.” When conflicts occur, both the educator and the student need to feel in charge and respected by all onlookers. Respect can be gained by agreeing in advance to special warning signals or gestures that each can use with the other when patience is growing thin. Before the next conflict, meet with the student and explain that you know that both you and he are looking for respect and neither of you wants to “look bad” in front of everyone else. Brainstorm some relatively subtle gestures or signals that you can give to alert the other person in a respectful way to step back and avoid a conflict. For example, a “C” hand gesture can stand for “chill,” “calm down,” “cooperate,” or “can do.” You can develop acronyms that represent expected behaviors or a cessation of undesirable behavior: for example, “ZYL” (zip your lip), “KIO” (knock it off), or “GMF” (give me five).

Play their music occasionally. With some particularly difficult classes, you can use music as an incentive for behaving or completing an assignment. Middle school educator B. Mayberry tape records songs that are popular with students. Whenever students talk without permission, she plays the tape until the talking stops. At the end of the week, if music is still left, students can talk with their friends for however long there is music left playing on the tape. If there is no music left, there is no sanctioned socializing. As an alternative, you can simply play students’ expressed musical preferences from time to time as a show of respect and connection.

Acknowledge a personal imperfection (behavior or personality). Teenagers are characteristically preoccupied with how other people see them. Although aging has its pitfalls, one of its benefits is that we often are far less concerned with impressing others than we were as kids. It can be refreshing and reassuring for your students to see a respected adult make mistakes, acknowledge them, and even rejoice in them from time to time.

Be a chaperone. Supervising an after-school activity or trip can provide many opportunities to connect with students in ways that are often unavailable in the classroom. It can be a great way to interact with those kids who may lack interest or competence in a particular class but who shine in other areas of interest.

Thank them for cooperating even before they have. A powerful tool for both connecting with students and influencing their behavior is to thank them for their effort or cooperation even before you see it. For example, Bob is interrupting class. Mr. Hanks says to him, “Bob, thanks for waiting your turn and giving others a chance to share beginning right now. I really appreciate it.” Most students find compliance irresistible if you’ve already thanked them.

Notice writings/drawings with unusual or unique themes. Many times students convey thoughts and feelings through writings, drawings, and images. Comments on these, offering an impression or asking a question, can build a relationship. I remember Dmitra, an angry young woman whose idea of communication with teachers was either a flick of her middle finger or a four-letter word. Ms. Johnson, her English teacher, noticed that Dmitra was doodling what appeared to be boats:

Ms. Johnson: Those look like boats, Dmitra. Is that what they are?

Dmitra: No, they ain’t no boats!

Ms. Johnson: Well, when I look at your drawing, I get a feeling of movement, like going places. Do you ever think about going to other places?

Dmitra: All the time. Especially when I’m in this ___ ing class.

Ms. Johnson: I know it must take a lot of effort for you to come here especially when you would much rather be other places. Where are some other places you would like to visit if you could?

Dmitra: [long pause] The street corner for some stuff or the smoke shop for some smokes.

Ms. Johnson: Hmm. I get the pic...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Table of Contents
• Dedication
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Why This Book?
• How to Use This Book
• Identifying Disconnected Students
• Necessary Attitudes and Feelings
• Strategies for Developing Personal Connection
• Strategies for Developing Academic Connection
• Strategies for Developing Social Connection
• For the Administrator
• Conclusion
• References and Bibliography
• Related ASCD Resources
• About the Author
• Study Guide
• Copyright