What I Did Wrong

John Weir

• Publisher: New York ReLit
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781531501907
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Letteratura
• Subtopic: Letteratura generale

Set in a rapidly gentrifying New York City determined to move beyond the decimation of a generation a decade earlier, What I Did Wrong is a day in the life of Tom, a forty-two-year-old English professor, haunted by the death of his best friend, Zack, who died theatrically and calamitously of AIDS. Tom himself slouches gingerly and precariously into middle age questioning every certainty he had about himself as a gay man while negotiating the field of his college classes, populated as they are with guys whose cocky bravado can't quite compensate for their own confused masculinity. Tom tries to balance his awkwardly developing friendships with them. In the process, he begins to find common ground with these proud young men and, surprisingly, a way to claim his own place in the world, and in history.A powerfully moving—and often disarmingly funny—book about loss, character, and sexuality in the wake of AIDS, What I Did Wrong is a survivor's tale in an age when all certainties have lost their logic and focus. It is a romance that embraces its objects from the traumas of toxic masculinity to the aftermath of catastrophic loss amidst the enduring allure of New York City in all its manic and heartbreaking grandeur.

PART ONEGENDER TROUBLE

Is there any such thing as a man?

—Eileen Myles

Texas Is the Reason

What is the difference between accident and coincidence. An accident is when a thing happens. A coincidence is when a thing is going to happen and does.

—Gertrude Stein

But I don’t want to talk about the dead guy.

It’s Sunday, Memorial Day weekend, the year 2000, and I’m in the East Village, counting my pulse. My heart beats too fast. You can hear it over my breathing, like a remix where the bass line, pushed way forward, thrums whatwhat, whatwhat. It’s the caffeine talking. I’m drinking black tea in a coffee shop, fueling up for another hundred years, and reading Saul Bellow’s Ravelstein, about a dead guy Everybody’s got one. Mine’s Zack. He’s buried in Queens, behind Queens College, where I teach. Though he’s been gone six years, his voice is still in my head, hectoring me, raw with complaint. Whatever, as Justin says. Why stress? Everyone is headed for a graveyard in Queens. In the meantime, I try not to hear Zack too clearly or to think about Justin, who is sleeping in my apartment. I crept out this morning without waking him, then came here for my morning caffeine fix. “Friends don’t let friends go to Starbucks,” says a sign on the counter, where a skinny kid pours my fourth cup of Earl Grey. He’s wearing a knit cap indoors and a T-shirt that says GUIDED BY VOICES.

“That’s me,” I think, going back to my seat. I’m returning to Ravelstein, trying to turn down the volume on Zack’s rasp and Justin’s drone, when I look up and do a double take. Strolling into my neighborhood café is my high school best friend, Richie McShane. Richard, son of Shane. He’s in a hurry, and he’s headed for me.

He comes through the door with spontaneous grace. There’s no tortured strategizing for Richie. Always the high school point guard, he brings the ball down the court, and you wait to see how he sets you up. The game plan is all in his head, there’s no consulting the coach, and Richie never looks to the sidelines for verification or praise.

“Richie, yo,” I say, posing as a regular guy. It’s an occupational habit. I teach New York college kids, and I have picked up their slacker lingo: “yo,” and “dude,” and “chill,” and the one I manage least well, “peace out.” It’s embarrassing to catch myself talking like a twenty-year-old, but it doesn’t bother Richie. I’ve seen him maybe six times since high school—most recently, last Thanksgiving—and whenever we meet we fall into boyish speech patterns.

“Dude,” I say again.

“Dude,” he nods, as if I were expecting him. He lives an hour away by train, seven miles across Queens in downtown Flushing. What is he doing in my neighborhood? I don’t ask and he doesn’t tell. Instead, he gives a low wave with his outstretched hand and says, “Yo.”

He’s in jeans and a wife-beater T-shirt under a bowling shirt open down the front. On his feet are sandals with rubber soles. He’s broad-shouldered and slim-hipped, Irish Italian, with a fighter’s fluid battling stance. The diagonal strap of his mail carrier’s bag cuts across his torso like a slash of black on an abstract canvas against the white of his muscle T, flattening the hair on his chest. Richie’s head is regal. He’s Fergus, dispossessed Celtic prince, and the back of his skull curves out and arches high, like a natural crown. His dark brown hair, short and tightly curled like Caesar’s, retreats from the dome of his brow.

“Hey, old buddy,” he says, coming toward me, using his dad’s phrase. Richie’s dad was a gambler and, when I knew him, an ex-cop, a working-class Irish guy with Humphrey Bogart’s raspy voice and his slight lisp. I never met a man with more beautiful manners. He was polite as a detective luring you into a sting, and he called everyone “old buddy,” including his son.

Like his dad, Richie is corrosive and neat. He holds his fist straight out and we knock knuckles as if we were still kids.

“What’s going on?” he says, sitting down. He leans forward, studying my face, and reaches out with a thumb to wipe a crumb off my chin, an unconscious gesture of what Saul Bellow calls “potato love”: fuzzy warmth, Mom’s embrace, a reference to our common fate, humankind. All touch is a presentiment of death. That’s what I said to Richie once in 1979, when I was a senior at Kenyon College in Ohio writing an Honors Thesis, “The Past Tense in Ernest Hemingway.” I spent a whole year counting the verbs in The Sun Also Rises and separating them into groups: verbs of action, verbs of reflection.

When I wasn’t busy with Hemingway, I called Richie from the dorm phone, trying to sound like an existential poet. “We’re flawed, Richie,” I’d say. “If we were perfect, we’d be one. I’d grab my wrist and get you.” He was walking the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, and I heard the rise and fall of stocks in the crackle of his voice. “All right, Jesus,” he said. “You coming home for Christmas?”

Now his thumb is on my chin, quick, automatic. He pulls back and draws his shoulder bag over his head, ducking out from under the strap like a rock star unloading an electric guitar. He sets the bag down and points at my chest. “Texas is the reason for what?” he asks.

He means the logo on my shirt: TEXAS IS THE REASON, it says in big letters, next to the Texas state symbol, a star.

“It’s not mine,” I say, plucking at my collar, half hoping Richie will ask, “Not yours? Then whose?” And I could tell him what happened yesterday with Justin. Richie would be the perfect guy to confide in: He’s an old friend, but a distant one. We have known each other for more than twenty-five years, but still, he doesn’t like to pry.

“Of course it’s not yours,” he says, noncommitally. I wish he were willing to be nosy, because I need to talk about Justin. Richie would probably like him, though he would have hated my dead friend Zack. I made sure they never met. I try to keep people in separate containers, like the capsules in Zack’s divided pill box: Paxil, Haldol, AZT, d4T, Extra Strength Tylenol. Lately, though, their voices have been dissolving and combining in my head like mixed medications.

Dead people talk to me, and the living scold. Richie wants to know what the hell my shirt means. The dead guy gets personal. “You’re over forty,” I hear Zack saying. “Aren’t you too old to be wearing a teenager’s T-shirt?”

Justin is not a teenager. He’s twenty-five. I wave my hand, like, “Back off.” Richie, who believes I am talking only to him, takes the hint and starts again.

“So,” he says, making nice. “You lost weight.”

“Yeah,” I say, both sorry and grateful that he doesn’t want to know about my private life. “Yeah,” I repeat. “I had to.”

“You look good.”

“I couldn’t have gained more. There wasn’t any stock left in the warehouse.”

Now he’s grinning. He approves of me, which makes me absurdly happy. “You look exactly the same, Richie, of course,” I tell him truthfully.

“It’d be nice if I still had some hair,” he says, looking around the café. “They got coffee here? Black coffee? Just the plain kind? People still serve that?”

“It’s up there,” I point, and he touches my arm and says, “Something?”

“No, thanks, Richie,” I say, watching him go, pal of my youth. He is my most improbable friend, unlikely to know me now, maybe even less likely to have been my best friend when we were kids. I guess we have always enjoyed being unsuited to each other. We were certainly an odd pair in high school in rural northwestern New Jersey. The place was wrong for both of us. I grew up there, but Rich didn’t move out to the sticks until he was almost eighteen, when his father built a retirement home way back in the woods. In the Jersey wilderness, Richie was a rare bird—a city kid, everybody thought, though he came from suburban Massapequa, or, as he said, “matzoh-pizza.” He was a wisecracking nasal Long Island guy who had funny, mean names for everything. When he graduated from high school he stayed home at his dad’s house and commuted to Fairleigh Dickinson University—“Fairly Ridiculous,” he called it.

Our big year came when I was fifteen, a high school sophomore. Richie was two years ahead of me, a senior with a driver’s license, and we rode around in his dad’s car, listening to prog rock on his eight-track and getting high all over Hunterdon County, near the Delaware River. We were high on hilltops overlooking the Spruce Run Reservoir. We drove down to the south branch of the Raritan River along the Gorge Road and smoked joints on the sharp gray boulders jutting out of the current. We got high in graveyards, deserted dairy barns, and empty silos still dusty with crushed corn.

We were stoned as motherfuckers at a Jethro Tull concert in Madison Square Garden in 1974. Afterward, we went for midnight snacks at the Horn and Hardart on Eighth Avenue. We wolfed down burgers and fries, and then Richie tried to get me to leave without paying. “Dining and dashing,” he called it. He had been reading Abbie Hoffman’s Steal This Book, where Hoffman tells you how to get all kinds of supplies for free. “You finish your burger,” Richie told me, “and then you slide a cockroach under your last piece of bun and start yelling.”

“What cockroach are we supposed to use?”

“The one,” Richie said, “that I have thoughtfully brought you from home.” And he reached into his pocket and produced the bug, which was cased in a tiny baby food jar.

“Did you spike the coffee with head lice?” I ask him now, as he comes back to the table at the café. He laughs, getting the childhood reference.

“You do that after you finish eating,” he reminds me. “Not before.”

“I could never get it right.”

“No, you couldn’t.”

He sets the coffee on the table, staring warily at the oversized mug.

“Jesus,” he says, “what does it mean about Manhattan that they serve you coffee in cups the size of fish bowls? I could spawn a guppie in this.”

He’s smiling, happy, pumped because the Knicks won game three last night at the Garden. “Ewing they should leave on the bench more often,” he says. “It’s nice to see him in a suit and tie. He’s their good-luck charm. Somebody has to counteract Spike Lee jumping up and down in his Sprewell jersey. That can be Patrick’s job. He can be the counter-Spike. You see the game?”

I shake my head. “I was busy,” I say.

“Too busy for a ball game?” Richie says. “What do you do all day?”

“Teach school. Hang out with my students.”

I’m back to giving obscure hints about last night, taking a more dramatic tone, but Richie still doesn’t bite. Instead, he heckles.

“Don’t you have any adult friends?”

Is it Richie’s question? Or is my dead friend talking again? Since the day he died, Zack has been interrogating me. Instead of dying, he got inside me, like Athena in reverse, not sprung from my brow but jumping into it, setting up house in my forebrain, giving me a headache. Until somebody splits open my skull with an axe, I’ve got a corpse in full battle gear taking up my ego, swinging his halberd, acting like he knows what’s good for me.

His favorite theme is how I spend all my time with kids. My students, that is.

“You’re their professor,” he says, “not their classmate.” “Look,” he says, holding out his hands, which are covered, in death as in life, with stigmata: burn holes from a laser surgeon who was zapping his lesions. “You. Not You,” the dead guy says, presenting one charred hand, then the other. “This is You,” he says, “and this is Not You. Notice how they’re separated? Teacher, Student. Dead, Alive. Me, Not Me. Now you try,” he says. “Hold out your hands.”

“No way,” I tell him.

“No, I figured you didn’t know any grown-ups,” Richie says, emptying a packet of Sweet’n Low into his black coffee. “You like to hang with people who have to call home if they stay out past ten.”

Does everyone s...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Part One: Gender Trouble
• Part Two: Open Secrets