Even through grainy home video footage, the sense of anticipation is palpable. The last strains of a processional hymn that accompanied the bridal party down the long aisle fade out, and there is a moment of stillness in the church before the sanctuary swells with the opening chords of Wagnerâs âBridal Chorus.â The large crowd, filling row after row of crowded pews, stands to greet the bride. The double doors open wide, and Lindsay, linking arms with her father, begins her long-anticipated walk down the aisle toward her fiancĂ©, David. It had been two years since Lindsay, twenty-three, watched Davidâs heroic on-screen role in a locally produced Christian film, and her feelings for her longtime acquaintance deepened.1 When she saw the film, she says, âMy heart turned toward David. And I couldnât bear the thought of him being with someone else.â But because Lindsay was committed to the tenets of Christian courtship, she could not make the first move.
Courtship is the practice of eschewing dating in favor of trusting God to choose your mate. Young men initiate the courtship process, and fathers grant final permission for a daughter to pursue a relationship. Before, and in the early stages of courtship, couples attempt to âguard their heartsâ from emotional intimacy, which they believe should be saved for engagement and marriage. Sexual abstinence before marriage is presumed. Many couples refrain from sharing physical intimacy beyond hand-holding during courtship and instead âsave their first kissâ for the wedding day.
Family First
Much has been written in the past fifteen years about conservative American Christians and sex: the role that ideas about sex have played in defining Christianity and fracturing American politics (Griffith 2017), the way sex and purity play a critical part in evangelical ideas about personal salvation (Erzen 2006; DeRogatis 2014) and national identity (Moslener 2015), the significance of sexual abstinence in a âhookupâ generation (Freitas 2008), and even the way evangelicals have used sex to sell abstinence (Gardner 2011). We can expect work on these topics to continue to emerge as adults raised in the Christian purity culture of the 1990s and early 2000s reckon with their experiences of it (Finch 2019; Klein 2019) and with the growth of the Exvangelical movement, which represents believers who have left evangelicalism, in many cases because of its stance on social justice issues and questions related to gender and sexuality. At the same time, much has also been revealed about Christian Reconstructionism, its effect on American religious conservatism (McVicar 2015) and the lived experiences of Christians (Ingersoll 2015) and its role in the so-called Quiverfull (McGowin 2018) or Christian Patriarchy (Joyce 2009) movement and in Christian homeschooling.
Modern Christian courtship emerged in the 1990s at the intersection of these dynamics: Christian purity culture and the overlapping worlds of Christian Reconstructionism, Quiverfull, and homeschooling. Courtship is the process through which the patriarchal nuclear familyâthe structure at the heart of Reconstruction theologyâreproduces itself. Proponents of courtship are not simply advocating sexual abstinence; in fact, sexual identity and behavior are rarely explicitly addressed in courtship media. Instead, advocates create a framework that is meant to give purpose to Christian singles, guide courting couples safely through the risky territory of romance and intimacy, and put them on the fast track to marriage, all while keeping the focus squarely on the patriarchal nuclear family and a believerâs role in this structure.
A Textbook Courtship
Lindsay, the bride who fell in love with her on-screen hero, shares her love story on a DVD the couple produced to share at their wedding. âAs a girl, I needed to let David be the initiator,â she explains. Still, Lindsay could not deny her growing feelings for David, so she talked with her parents about her desire. Courtship advocates encourage Christian singles to disclose their crushes to their parents because they believe that prematurely indulging in romantic feelings is harmful to a believerâs future marriage and that crushes and daydreams flourish in the privacy of oneâs heart (Mally 2006). Lindsayâs parents assured her that they thought highly of David as a potential suitor, but that she had to wait for him to pursue her.
At the same time that Lindsay was divulging her crush to her parents, David, unbeknownst to her, was seriously contemplating beginning a courtship with the woman he one day hoped to marry. He just didnât yet know that woman was Lindsay. It had been several months since he had told his own parents that he felt he was ready to begin a courtship. He asked them what steps he should take to be prepared for courtship and marriage, and they instructed him to share with them a list of attributes he hoped to find in his future wife. They thought Lindsay fit the bill, but David didnât immediately sense the connection. He struggled for a while to reconcile their recommendation with his own thoughts and feelings. âI really doubted that there could be someone who was right for me,â he says.
In the meantime, Lindsay, discouraged by Davidâs lack of interest, was still trying to relinquish her romantic interest in him. She confesses, âAfter David graduated and got a good job, I hoped that he would talk to my dad about starting a courtship relationship.â After consulting again with her parents, Lindsay decided to take drastic measures to quell her feelings. In order to avoid more hurt, she says, she decided to avoid seeing David and to âkillâ her dream of courting and marrying him. But she didnât kill her dream of marriage altogether. She trusted that God would bring her future husband into her life when the time was right. There came a time, she says, when âAll the men I thought could be prospects were taken away. God was doing this. I really felt it was not a coincidence, and that I just needed to wait on his timing.â
David was also attempting to surrender his love life to Godâs hand. âI continued to pray for wisdom and seek after Godâs plan,â he said. Then, suddenly, everything changed. David remembers the exact day that his love story took a dramatic turn. âThere was one morningâApril 20, 2008âthat I felt like I woke up and all of a sudden had a lot of peace that Lindsay was the person that I was supposed to pursue and court,â he says. âIt was miraculous. I felt a lot of peace about it.â David wasted no time putting into action what he believed was Godâs plan for his love life. At lunchtime that same day, he announced to his parents and nine siblings that he intended to ask Lindsayâs father for permission to court his daughter.
The two arranged to meet several days later for a late lunch at a local Mediterranean restaurant. David chose the time and location with the hopes that the restaurant would not be too crowded. David says he planned to open with small talk and ease into the courtship conversation, but his nerves got the best of him. He stared at the pita bread and olive oil dip and says, âI wasnât going to be able to eat a bite until I told [Lindsayâs father] why I was there. So, I just went ahead and jumped right in.â He told her father that he had prayed about the decision to court Lindsay, and that he felt like God was leading him in that direction. He said that he had also asked his parents for input and that his intention was to marry Lindsay if both families agreed. In turn, Lindsayâs father inquired about Davidâs financial situation and whether he would be able to buy a home and support his daughter. David, who runs a software writing company with his father, assured him that he was, and Lindsayâs father said he was in favor of the relationship. But, ultimately, it was up to Lindsay to decide.
David and Lindsay, who were twenty-three when they married, call their relationship a textbook courtship and with good reason. Their eight-month romance and engagement reflects the major tenets of courtship. David waited to pursue a romantic relationship until he felt he was in the season of marriage, meaning he felt emotionally and spiritually ready to be married within the year and, more practically, he was prepared to financially care for a wife and future children. In accord with the evangelical belief that men are designed by God to be the spiritual head of their families, Lindsay, for her part, let David initiate the relationship.
Often, as was the case with Lindsay, a father will give his blessing for the relationship, but leave the decision up to his daughter. It is common for the families of courting couples to know one another or at least know of one another through church or homeschool networks. It is also common for courtship authorsâthose who have written courtship advice booksâto suggest that a couple seek confirmation about their relationship from family members and spiritual mentors, as David and Lindsay did with her uncle and pastor (Padgett 2003). But courtship marriages are not arranged marriages.
In Chap. 1, I will introduce the most influential courtship authors and establish the history of modern courtship, its connection with the American homeschool movement (of which both David and Lindsay were a part), and its place in the landscape of American Christianity.
A Courtship Begins
Lindsay, who had long been struggling with her romantic attraction for David, could hardly believe this turn of events. She told her father to deliver her answer to Davidâshe would be honored to begin a courtship with him. The families decided to meet the following weekend to share their expectations for how the courtship would progress. David and Lindsayâs parents would weigh in on questions like whether the couple would go out on unsupervised dates and what level of physical intimacy would be appropriate during the courtship. It would also be the first time David and Lindsay would be seeing each other since their courtship had begun.
âIt seemed like Saturday would never come,â Lindsay remembers. âI couldnât sleep at night. When David walked through the door, what would it be like?â Theyâd met years ago in a speech class organized by their local homeschooling collective, and growing up they had spent many Friday afternoons together playing sports and games in each otherâs backyards. But they had never spent time alone together. Courtship advocates discourage Christian singles from forming intimate friendships with members of the âoppositeâ gender, and David and Lindsay were no exception, so their first meeting as a courting couple held special significance for them.
Events like these that mark a coupleâs courtship are also significant because what single Christians miss out on in quantity of dates or length or engagement, they hope to make up for in the romantic, sentimental quality of their brief courtships. Many couples carefully orchestrate each step of their courtship, engagement, and wedding and take great care to remember every detail. In David and Lindsayâs case, the couple produced a DVD that pairs a recording of their wedding ceremony with a homemade documentary detailing their courtship and marriage.
On the DVD, David speaks excitedly about that first meeting at Lindsayâs family home. âI can remember the first moment when my parents and I walked in the door, and she was just radiant,â he says. âShe was glowing.â Davidâs description of Lindsay as âradiantâ and âglowingâ is reflective of the ideals of courtship culture. By cultivating characteristics like hospitality, nurturing, kindness, warmth, and modesty, girls are supposed to emit an active, radiant wholesome purity, one that will be attractive to a future husband (Ludy 2003; Mally 2006). Not only did he see Lindsay as beautifully radiant, but David says that from that first meeting, she demonstrated that she was a good fit to fill the supportive role that many believe a wife should play in Christian marriage. At their meeting that day, David, who was nervous about sharing a meal with his future in-laws, was attempting to play it safe by talking shop, but his technical jargon was going over the head of his dinner companions. Lindsay stepped in to interpret his complicated thoughts. âShe was already playing a really neat role in being my helper,â David says.
We will explore in later chapters the expectations that courtship media lay out for single young women, including an embodiment of âluminous femininityâ (Chap. 2) and adherence to archetypes like the mythical Proverbs 31 woman (Chap. 3), who put her family first, as Lindsay demonstrated at her first dinner with David, before she was even his wife.
Sweethearts
After dinner, the pair memorialized their first meeting as an official couple by posing together for pictures on the porch swing. Over the next few months, David and Lindsay documented every step of their eight-month courtship. Their courtship DVD features photos of the summer vacations they shared w...