Social Courage

Dr. Eric Goodman

• Publisher: PublishDrive
• Year: 2018
• ISBN:
  9781775593812
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

Whether you are struggling with social anxiety of phobic proportions or are just held back when it comes to public speaking or meeting specific social goals, Social Courage offers help with its step-by-step program that draws from a range of therapeutic approaches. Packed with practical exercises and case studies, it will teach you to thrive in social settings, from friendships, to romance, to career advancement. Break the pattern of anxiety and make the most of your life and your relationships!

1

Social Anxiety Is Normal

Learn where social anxiety comes from and assess its impact on your life

Ethan

In his younger years, Ethan had completed two tours of duty in the Marines. He was battle-hardened and tough-as-nails ... except when it came to public speaking.

Now he found himself in a large, tightly packed room, getting called up on stage to accept an award in front of three hundred of his fellow small-business owners. He felt paralyzed with worry.

What if I open my mouth to give my speech and nothing comes out?

What if my legs don't stop shaking?

What if I blush—or worse, cry?

He had managed to stay away from public speaking in the past. In high school, he always chose to write a paper rather than do a class presentation. In college, he'd carefully selected the courses and professors that did not require public speaking.

Now it was unavoidable. The host of the event had just called him up on stage, and the spotlight and all eyes were pointed directly at him. Heart pounding and mouth and throat bone-dry, he tightly gripped his note cards and slowly marched up to the stage.

It was time!

Social anxiety is normal. It's not just you and it is neither your fault nor a sign of weakness.

If you are human, it is safe to assume that you, at times, experience social anxiety. You may feel that social anxiety makes you wrong, broken, or defective. Instead, I'd like for you to think of social anxiety as your birthright. Rather than it setting you apart from your fellow humans, it is actually something that ties you together within the broader human race.

Social discomfort, to some degree in some situations, is normal. In my entire life, I have met only one person with zero social anxiety. Let me tell you about him.

Carl

Carl was a fascinating middle-aged man that I had the pleasure of meeting when I was training to be a psychologist. He did not care in the least what other people thought about him. As a result of his genuine lack of concern about social rejection, he had absolutely no social anxiety whatsoever. He simply did not care.

Carl lived alone in a tiny apartment in Boston. He never pursued a career. He had no desire to impress people with the typical gadgets, trinkets, and doodads that most of us work hard to accumulate. He didn't care. He owned one ripped, gray T-shirt that he wore daily and never washed. So what! He couldn't smell the stink anymore and certainly didn't think about other's judgments. He didn't care. He owned one pair of pants, a matching pair of ripped grey sweat pants. When he was out and about and felt the call of nature, he'd simply pee in his pants. After all, who did he have to impress? He did not care.

This is what zero social anxiety looks like.

Do you still want to completely get rid of your social anxiety? Would you trade places with Carl if it meant you would have zero social anxiety for the rest of your life?

No? Me neither. Social anxiety is part of the cost we pay for being part of a human community.

Social anxiety is only considered a problem if it:

1.negatively interferes with your social or life goals or activities.

2.causes excessive suffering.

If social anxiety, for example, were to prevent you from getting up on stage and performing a Broadway musical in front of a thousand people, this is only a problem if you are a professional performer who passionately wishes to be able to get up on stage and perform. The terror of getting up on stage and prancing around dressed like a cat while singing your heart out is not problematic if you are just an audience member attending the performance. If you cannot attend the show because of fears of being in the crowd, however, and you would love to be able to subject your spouse to an evening of singing felines, then it might just be a problem.

The thought of bungee jumping terrifies me. My fear of plummeting from a high bridge toward the rocky ground below while trusting my safety to a glorified rubber band wrapped around my ankle, however, only earns the status of a "problem" if my life's ambition is to take a job as a bungee instructor (which probably has its ups and downs).

BREAKING NEWS: SOCIAL ANXIETY IS NO LONGER A DISEASE!

Yes, that's right. Social anxiety, shyness, and even introversion are not diseases. In fact, they are perfectly normal human experiences.

Much of my professional life, however, is spent working with teens and adults who are extremely concerned about their social anxiety. Most of them are wishing for the day when their anxiety leaves them in peace so that they can carry on with life. They are waiting until it feels comfortable and anxiety-free to venture out into the world of friendship, job interviews, dating, and so forth.

They are waiting for a day that is likely never going to come. Social anxiety is normal.

As children, we go through a period of very intense stranger anxiety, where we "shy away" from all but those adults with whom we have learned to be comfortable over time. Long lost Aunt Bertha would come for a holiday visit, see us, and dive right in, ready to smother us with hugs and kisses. What did we (and countless other little ones) tend to do in the face of such an intimidating onslaught? We likely latched onto our parent's legs and looked away ... occasionally sneaking peeks to see if the threat had vanished. In fact, mental health professionals are often more concerned when young children display no social hesitation in the presence of new adults.

But isn't that supposed to go away when you get older?

While most of us do feel less socially anxious as we get older, almost all of us remain socially hesitant or downright uncomfortable in at least some situations. It is a normal reaction and, to some degree, may even be necessary for living in a community of fellow humans. (Remember Carl?)

If you look at social anxiety as simply consisting of the expected presence of prickly feelings and thoughts, at least to some degree in certain social situations, maybe it does not need to seem like such a powerful and malevolent force. Rather than seeing social anxiety as a demon haunting you, perhaps you could begin to see it as a lifelong, albeit occasionally annoying, companion in life. This companion has no real power to hurt you, though your response to anxiety can make things go from normal anxiety to phobic anxiety.

SELF-ASSESSMENT

Without the pressure that you have to show this to anyone, take a few minutes and complete a self-assessment of the impact social anxiety has on your life (though we'll learn later in the book that it is really the struggle against social anxiety that causes the problems).

Below are some common social challenges and situations. These include both interpersonal experiences (tasks involving interacting with other people) and performance-based experiences (tasks where you feel like you are "in the spotlight"). Some people are highly triggered by only a few of the activities while others may be triggered by many.

As you look over the list, think about the following:

•Which activities or situations do you feel limited from participating in, at least some of the time, due to social anxiety?

•In which situations do you experience excessive suffering due to social anxiety?

•If you have never attempted these activities, imagine if you had the opportunity to attempt them.

•Also, imagine that for each of these activities, you had to be completely sober and not rely on specific friends, family, or objects (for example, staring at your cell phone at a party) to comfort you during the activities.

Check all that apply to you.

Interpersonal Situations	Anxiety Interferes
Meeting new people
Making friends
Deepening or maintaining friendships
Dating
Deepening or maintaining a romantic relationship
Going to a party
Hosting a party
Making small talk
Disagreeing with someone
Directly asking for what I want
Saying "no" to people when you want to
Talking to your boss, teacher, other "authority figures"
Attending a job interview
Talking on the phone
Talking to people I know only a little or not at all
Inconveniencing others
Asking for a favor
Making eye contact
Self-disclosure
Other interpersonal situations that are triggers for me:

Performance Situations
Public speaking
Speaking up in class or in a meeting
Exerc...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• Introduction: Welcome to Social Courage
• Chapter 1: Social Anxiety Is Normal
• Chapter 2: When Normal Anxiety Turns Phobic
• Chapter 3: Introduction to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy 2.0
• Chapter 4: Brain Noise
• Chapter 5: Clean vs. Dirty Social Discomfort
• Chapter 6: Leaving Your Social Comfort Zone
• Chapter 7: Troubleshooting Social Anxiety
• The Courage to Be Human
• Acknowledgments
• Bibliography and Related Recommended Readings
• Index
• About The Author
• Copyright