Practical Guide Series

A Practical Guide

David Bonham-Carter

• Publisher: Icon Books
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781848315228
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

What is assertiveness, and what are benefits? Filled with straightforward, practical advice, Introducing Assertiveness: A Practical Guide will help you find out, allowing you to overcome passive behaviour and take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings without becoming aggressive. Experienced life and business coach David Bonham-Carter provides clear, practical steps to help you develop they key characteristics of assertiveness – steps that can improve your work life and your personal life.

SECTION 1: ASSERTIVENESS BASICS

1. Rights and responsibilities

Many writers and teachers of assertiveness stress the importance of standing up for your own rights whilst also acknowledging the rights and needs of others. In this chapter you will learn about some ideas that you can use to help you to do this.

Reasonableness and respect

Two of the key elements of assertiveness are:

1. Reasonableness
2. Respect

The rights and responsibilities principles that are set out in this chapter are built around these elements. It is important to realize that there are two aspects of showing respect that are relevant to what your rights and responsibilities are. These two aspects are:

1. Showing respect to yourself
2. Showing respect to others

If you act in an overly aggressive way then it is likely that you are not showing respect to others. (You may also not be respecting yourself enough to believe that you can act reasonably.)

If you act in an overly passive way then it is likely that you are not showing respect to yourself, by not recognizing your own needs or not believing that you have rights. (You may also not be showing respect to others, if your passivity involves you not telling the truth to others or not showing a reasonable level of trust.)

Four ‘rights and responsibilities’ principles

Below are four principles that are involved in showing respect to others and to yourself which are important to assertiveness. The first three principles are expressed as rights. The fourth principle is expressed as a responsibility.

1. The right to express your feelings and opinions
   1. You are entitled to express your feelings and opinions in a reasonable manner.
   2. Other people are entitled to express their feelings and opinions in a reasonable manner and to be treated with respect.
2. The right to say ‘no’
   1. You are entitled to say ‘no’ sometimes if you are asked to do something you do not want to do.
   2. Other people are entitled to say ‘no’ sometimes if you ask them to do something they do not want to do.
3. The right to make mistakes
   1. It’s OK for you to make mistakes sometimes. No one is perfect.
   2. It’s OK for other people to make mistakes sometimes. No one is perfect.
4. The responsibility for making decisions
   1. You are responsible for making your own decisions – other people do not need to take responsibility for your life.
   2. Other people are responsible for making their own decisions – you do not need to take responsibility for their lives.

---

If you have a tendency to act too passively then focus in particular on the (a) statements in the above principles. You may find it helpful to memorize those and write them out on a card, or pin them on your wall or record them in your mobile phone to remind you of what to focus on. On the other hand, if you have a tendency to act too aggressively then memorize and note down the (b) statements above.

---

Applying the four rights and responsibilities principles

Applying the four rights and responsibilities principles to help you to become more assertive requires you to use them as a benchmark to check whether you are acting assertively, and then to adjust your actions appropriately if you find that you are not following them.

---

It is important to exercise some judgement of reasonableness in applying the principles. For example, the first principle says that you can express your feelings and opinions in a reasonable manner. You should make your own judgement about what is reasonable in any particular situation.

---

---

Here is an exercise you can try out to help you apply the rights and responsibilities principles.

Exercise 1: Analysing a past situation

Answer the questions below to analyse a past situation where you feel you did not act assertively, either because you were too passive or because you were too aggressive. Repeat the exercise again with another situation if you think it will be helpful.

1. Describe the situation – what happened and what did you do or not do in the situation?
2. What is it that you are not happy with in the way you acted or didn’t act in the situation?
3. Consider the four rights and responsibilities principles:
   1. Right to express your feelings and opinions
   2. Right to say ‘no’
   3. Right to make mistakes
   4. Responsibility for making decisions
   
   Which of the principles seem relevant to this situation?
4. If you accept the four rights and responsibilities principles, what will you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?
5. What can you do to help you carry through your commitment to doing that? (This might include things like reminding yourself of the benefits of doing so, or deciding to reward yourself if you stick to your commitment).

---

---

Ruth: Analysing a past situation to help exercise your rights

Ruth is someone who tends to act passively in her relationship with her partner, Peter. He is quite an assertive person and is comfortable making decisions. Quite often Ruth goes along with this even when she would prefer a different option to the one Peter has chosen. An example of this was recently when they were choosing to go away on holiday with their two young children. Peter suggested they go on a self-catering holiday to keep costs down. Ruth envisaged that doing so would probably leave her doing most of the cooking and any domestic chores while abroad, but she didn’t voice her thoughts and indeed that was what ended up happening. She now uses the five-step analysis above to reflect on what happened.

1. Describe the situation – what happened and what did you do or not do in the situation?

‘Peter chose for us to go on a self-catering holiday and we ended up doing so, with the result that I did all the cooking and domestic chores and didn’t have the break I would have liked.’

2. What is it that you are not happy with in the way you acted or didn’t act in the situation?

‘I wish I had explained that I didn’t want to do all the cooking and chores, and asked him to do a share of them or else arrange for us to have meals out or full board while we were there.’

3. Consider the four rights and responsibilities principles:

1. Right to express your feelings and opinions
2. Right to say ‘no’
3. Right to make mistakes
4. Responsibility for making decisions

Which of the principles seem relevant to this situation?

‘Principle (a) is most relevant. I didn’t explain how I felt or what I wanted in the situation. To some degree (b) was relevant too as I didn’t say that I wasn’t prepared to do all the cooking/chores, and (d) also applied as I didn’t take responsibility for the arrangements but just followed what Peter said despite my reservations.’

If you accept the four rights and responsibilities principles, what will you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?

‘Next time I will explain what I would prefer and why. If that leads to a discussion or disagreement, I will then suggest a compromise (for example, if Peter doesn’t want to eat out every day because of the cost, I can suggest that we share the burden of the cooking/washing up, etc.).’

What can you do to help you carry through your commitment to doing that?

‘Remind myself that at the moment I just fester and feel resentful at having to do all the tasks and that I am unlikely to see a change...

Table of contents

• Title page
• Copyright information and disclaimer
• About the author
• Author’s note
• Contents
• Introduction
• SECTION 1: ASSERTIVENESS BASICS
• SECTION 2: CHANGING NON-ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR
• Conclusion
• Appendix 1
• Appendix 2
• Additional resources
• Index