Fucking Apostrophes

Simon Griffin

• Publisher: Icon Books
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781785781421
• Topic: Languages & Linguistics
• Subtopic: Grammar & Punctuation
• Index: Languages & Linguistics

'At last, a book that tells you exactly where to stick your apostrophe... funny and useful, the perfect stocking filler.' David Marsh, Guardian Apostrophes are a pain. The rules about how to use them are complicated, and have evolved haphazardly. Originally written as advice by a copywriter for designers - wont to insert and remove apostrophes at will, for visual effect - this is a light-hearted pocket-sized guide to getting the things right.Simon Griffin lets off steam so that we don't have to, showing precisely why 'Rhianna and Jennifer's photos were all over the internet' is quite different to 'Rhianna's and Jennifer's photos' or what words apostrophes are replacing in sentences such as 'He'd like you to buy him some cocaine', or 'They've got it all on camera.'Elegantly produced, this is the perfect gift for any pedant, as well as an indispensable guide in all our moments of grammar-related frustration.

CHAPTER 1

OMISSIONS OR CONTRACTIONS

 

Basic Contractions

You can use a fucking apostrophe to show that a letter has been left out.

Examples:

It’s time to watch Strictly = It is time to watch Strictly.

I’m watching X-Factor = I am watching X-Factor.

You’re an idiot = You are an idiot.

We’re not allowed to fight = We are not allowed to fight.

When checking for correct usage, always expand the contraction to make sure it still makes sense.

NOTE: Never use two fucking apostrophes if two letters have been left out, unless they are separated by another letter – rock ’n’ roll, pick ’n’ mix.

 

Larger Contractions

Fucking apostrophes can be used to show that more than one letter or number has been left out.

Examples:

She’ll meet the Sheikh tonight = She will meet the Sheikh tonight.

He’d like you to buy him some cocaine = He would like you to buy him some cocaine.

They’ve got it all on camera = They have got it all on camera.

NOTE: The word till was around centuries before until was introduced, so many writers consider it incorrect to use the shortening ’til.

 

Exceptions

As is so often the irritating case, there are exceptions to these rules. As words become more established in their language they generally drop the fucking apostrophe if the word is a contraction.

Examples:

Phone is short for telephone, but we don’t write ’phone.

People used to refer to influenza as ’flu, but today even the NHS uses flu.

Ad/advert (advertisement), demo (demonstration) and lab (laboratory) are other examples of contractions that no longer use fucking apostrophes.

 

Omission Vs. Possessive

Don’t get omission fucking apostrophes confused with possessive fucking apostrophes:

Omission:

Jeremy’s not fond of cold platters = Jeremy is not fond of cold platters.

Possessive:

Jeremy’s producer was admitted to hospital = The producer of Jeremy was admitted to hospital.

Omission:

Kim’s balancing a champagne glass on her backside = Kim is balancing a champagne glass on her backside.

Possessive:

Kim’s backside may have been photoshopped = The backside of Kim may have been photoshopped.

CHAPTER 2

POSSESSIVE FUCKING APOSTROPHES

Singular Nouns and Names

Fucking apostrophes can be used to show that individual people or things are related or belong to something else. These are known as singular possessives, and are shown by adding a fucking apostrophe, then an s.

Examples:

Ian Botham’s Twitter account = The Twitter account of Ian Botham.

Lance Armstrong’s test results = The test results of Lance Armstrong.

John Travolta’s toothbrush = The toothbrush of John Travolta.

Singular Name...

Table of contents

• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Omissions or Contractions
• Chapter 2: Possessive Fucking Apostrophes
• Chapter 3: Pronouns and Fucking Apostrophes
• Chapter 4: Plural Fucking Apostrophes
• Common Uses of Fucking Apostrophes
• A Final Thought
• About the Author