Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
āJOHN GARDNER
During the weeks that followed Jackās accident, his mother couldnāt stop talking about the āhorrible incident.ā Every day she recounted the story about how both of Jackās legs were broken when he was hit by a school bus. She felt guilty that she wasnāt there to protect him, and seeing him in a wheelchair for several weeks was almost more than she could bear.
Although doctors had predicted a complete recovery, she repeatedly warned Jack that his legs may never fully heal. She wanted him to be aware that he may not be able to play soccer or run around like the other kids ever again, just in case there was a problem.
Although his doctors had medically cleared him to return to school, his parents decided that Jackās mother would quit her job and homeschool him for the remainder of the year. They felt that seeing and hearing school buses each day might trigger too many bad memories. They also wanted to spare him from having to watch idly from his wheelchair as his friends played at recess. They hoped that staying home would help Jack heal faster, both emotionally and physically.
Jack usually completed his homeschool work in the mornings and he spent his afternoons and evenings watching TV and playing video games. Within a few weeks, his parents noticed that his mood seemed to change. A normally upbeat and happy child, Jack became irritable and sad. His parents grew concerned that the accident may have traumatized him even more than theyād imagined. They pursued therapy in hopes it could help Jack deal with his emotional scars.
Jackās parents took him to a well-known therapist with expertise in childhood trauma. The therapist had received the referral from Jackās pediatrician, so she knew a little bit about Jackās experience prior to meeting him.
When Jackās mother wheeled him into the therapistās office, Jack stared silently at the floor. His mother began by saying, āWeāre having such a hard time since this terrible accident. Itās really ruined our lives and caused a lot of emotional problems for Jack. Heās just not the same little boy.ā
To his motherās surprise, the therapist didnāt respond with sympathy. Instead she enthusiastically said, āBoy, have I been looking forward to meeting you, Jack! Iāve never met a kid who could beat a school bus! You have to tell me, how did you manage to get into a fight with a school bus and win?ā For the first time since the accident Jack smiled.
Over the next few weeks, Jack worked with his therapist on making his own book. He appropriately named it, How to Beat a School Bus. He created a wonderful story about how he managed to fight a school bus and escape with only a few broken bones.
He embellished on the story by describing how he grabbed hold of the muffler, swung himself around, and protected the majority of his body from getting hit by the bus. Despite the exaggerated details, the main part of the story remained the sameāhe survived because heās a tough kid. Jack concluded his book with a self-portrait. He drew himself sitting in a wheelchair wearing a superhero cape.
The therapist included Jackās parents in the treatment. She helped them see how fortunate they were that Jack survived with only a few broken bones. She encouraged his parents to stop feeling sorry for Jack. She recommended they treat him like a mentally and physically tough kid who was capable of overcoming great adversity. Even if his legs didnāt heal properly, she wanted them to focus on what Jack could still accomplish in life, not what the accident would prevent him from being able to do.
The therapist and Jackās parents worked with the school faculty and staff to prepare for Jackās return to school. In addition to the special accommodations heād need because he was still in a wheelchair, they wanted to ensure that the other students and teachers didnāt pity Jack. They arranged for Jack to share his book with his classmates so that he could tell them how he beat the school bus and show them that there was no reason to feel sorry for him.
SELF-PITY PARTY
We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?
You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone elseās.
If it werenāt for bad luck, youāre pretty sure youād have none at all.
Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else.
Youāre fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is.
You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems.
Youāre more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well.
You often complain about things not being fair.
You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes.
You think that other people are blessed with easier lives.
You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you.
Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviors. But you can choose to take control. Even when you canāt alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude.
WHY WE FEEL SORRY FOR OURSELVES
If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party? Pity was Jackās parentsā defense mechanism to protect their son and themselves from future dangers. They chose to remain focused on what he couldnāt do as a way to shield him from having to face any more potential problems.
Understandably, they worried about his safety more than ever. They didnāt want him to be out of their sight. And they were concerned about the emotional reaction he might have to seeing a school bus again. It was only a matter of time before the pity poured on Jack turned into his own self-pity.
Itās so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action or moving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldnāt do anything to improve it.
People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the āpoor meā card may result in some kind and gentle words from othersāat least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.
Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you.
Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. Itās almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But thatās not how the world works. There isnāt a higher beingāor a human being for that matterāwho will swoop in and make sure weāre all dealt a fair hand in life.
THE PROBLEM WITH FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences. Instead of feeling grateful that Jack survived the accident, his parents worried about what the accident took away from them. As a result, they allowed the accident to take away even more.
Thatās not to say they werenāt loving parents. Their behavior stemmed from a desire to keep their son safe. However, the more they pitied Jack, the more negatively it affected his mood.
Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways:
ā¢ Itās a waste of time. Feeling sorry for yourself requires a lot of mental energy and does nothing to change the situation. Even when you canāt fix the problem, you can make choices to cope with lifeās obstacles in a positive way. Feeling sorry for yourself wonāt move you any closer to a solution.
ā¢ It leads to more negative emotions. Once you allow it to take hold, self-pity will ignite a flurry of other negative emotions. It can lead to anger, resentment, loneliness, and other feelings that fuel more negative thoughts.
ā¢ It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Feelings of self-pity can lead to living a pitiful life. When you feel sorry for yourself, itās unlikely youāll perform at your best. As a result, ...