ACT TWO
SCENE I. Milan. The Duke’s palace.
Enter VALENTINE and SPEED.
SPEED Sir, your glove.
VALENTINE Not mine: my gloves are on.
SPEED Why, then, this may be yours; for this is but one.
VALENTINE Ha! let me see; ay, give it me, it’s mine;
Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
[5]
Ah, Silvia! Silvia!
SPEED [Calling] Madam Silvia! Madam Silvia!
VALENTINE How now, sirrah?
SPEED She is not within hearing, sir.
VALENTINE Why sir, who bade you call her?
[10]
SPEED Your worship, sir; or else I mistook.
VALENTINE Well, you’ll still be too forward.
SPEED And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.
VALENTINE Go to, sir; tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?
SPEED She that your worship loves?
VALENTINE Why, how know you that I am in love?
[15]
SPEED Marry, by these special marks: first, you have leara’d, like Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms like a malcontent; to relish a love-song, like a robin redbreast; to walk alone, like one that had the pestilence; to sigh, like a school-boy that had lost his A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walk’d, to walk like one of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you look’d sadly, it was for want of money. And now you are metamorphis’d with a mistress, that, when I look on you, I can hardly think you my master.
VALENTINE Are all these things perceiv’d in me?
[30]
SPEED They are all perceiv’d without ye.
VALENTINE Without me? They cannot.
[36]
SPEED Without you! Nay, that’s certain; for, without you were so simple, none else would; but you are so without these follies that these follies are within you, and shine through you like the water in an urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a physician to comment on your malady.
[36]
VALENTINE But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?
SPEED She that you gaze on so, as she sits at supper?
VALENTINE Hast thou observ’d that? Even she, I mean.
[40]
SPEED Why, sir, I know her not.
VALENTINE Dost thou know her by my gazing on
her, and yet know’st her not?
SPEED Is she not hard-favour’d, sir?
VALENTINE Not so fair, boy, as well-favour’d.
[45]
SPEED Sir, I know that well enough.
VALENTINE What dost thou know?
SPEED That she is not so fair as, of you, well favour’d.
VALENTINE I mean that her beauty is exquisite, but her favour infinite.
[51]
SPEED That’s because the one is painted, and the other out of all count.
VALENTINE How painted? and how out of count?
SPEED Marry, sir, so painted, to make her fair, that no man counts of her beauty.
[55]
VALENTINE How esteem’st thou me? I account of her beauty.
SPEED You never saw her since she was deform’d.
VALENTINE How long hath she been deform’d?
SPEED Ever since you lov’d her.
[60]
VALENTINE I have lov’d her ever since I saw her, and still I see her beautiful.
SPEED If you love her, you cannot see her.
VALENTINE Why?
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SPEED Because Love is blind. O that you had mine eyes; or your own eyes had the lights they were wont to have when you chid at Sir Proteus
for going ungarter’d!
VALENTINE What should I see then?
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SPEED Your own present folly and her passing deformity; for he, being in love, could not see to garter his hose; and you, being in love, cannot
see to put on your hose.
VALENTINE Belike, boy, then you are in love; for last morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.
SPEED True, sir; I was in love with my bed. I thank you, you swing’d me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide you for yours.
[75]
VALENTINE In conclusion, I stand affected to her.
SPEED I would you were set, so your affection would cease.
VALENTINE Last night she enjoin’d me to write some lines to one she loves.
[80]
SPEED And have you?
VALENTINE I have.
SPEED Are they not lamely writ?
VALENTINE No, boy, but as well as I can do them.
Enter SILVIA.
[84]
Peace! here she comes.
VALENTINE Your folly.
THURIO And how quote you my folly?
VALENTINE I quote it in your jerkin.
[20]
THURIO My jerkin is a doublet.
VALENTINE Well, then, I’ll double your folly.
THURIO How?
SILVIA What, angry, Sir Thurio! Do you change colour?
VALENTINE Give him leave, madam; he is a kind
[25]
of chameleon.
THURIO That hath more mind to feed on your blood than live in your air.
VALENTINE You have said, sir.
THURIO Ay, sir, and done too, for this time.
[30]
VALENTINE I know it well, sir; you always end ere you begin.
SILVIA A fine volley of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot off.
VALENTINE ’Tis indeed, madam; we thank the giver.
SILVIA Who is that, servant?
[36]
VALENTINE Yourself, sweet lady; for you gave the fire. Sir Thurio borrows his wit from your ladyship’s looks, and spends what he borrows kindly in your company.
THURIO Sir, if you spend word for word with me,
I shall make your wit bankrupt.
[42]
VALENTINE I know it well, sir; you have an exchequer of words, and, I think, no...