Gay Dads

Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood

Abbie E. Goldberg

• Publisher: NYU Press
• Year: 2012
• ISBN:
  9780814708156
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: History & Theory in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

When gay couples become parents, they face a host of questions and issues that their straight counterparts may never have to consider. How important is it for each partner to have a biological tie to their child? How will they become parents: will they pursue surrogacy, or will they adopt? Will both partners legally be able to adopt their child? Will they have to hide their relationship to speed up the adoption process? Will one partner be the primary breadwinner? And how will their lives change, now that the presence of a child has made their relationship visible to the rest of the world? In Gay Dads: Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood, Abbie E. Goldberg examines the ways in which gay fathers approach and negotiate parenthood when they adopt. Drawing on empirical data from her in-depth interviews with 70 gay men, Goldberg analyzes how gay dads interact with competing ideals of fatherhood and masculinity, alternately pioneering and accommodating heteronormative “parenthood culture.”The first study of gay men's transitions to fatherhood, this work will appeal to a wide range of readers, from those in the social sciences to social work to legal studies, as well as to gay-adoptive parent families themselves.

1
Decisions, Decisions
Gay Men Turn toward Parenthood

When I first interviewed Rufus and Trey, they had been waiting for a child placement for just a few months. They were both excited to talk about the adoption process; this was not always the case for couples who had been waiting for many months or even years for a child placement. Both fairly young (Rufus was 37 and Trey was 32), they conveyed a boyish excitement about their impending parenthood. As Rufus exclaimed, “I have always loved kids. … I just feel like I have a lot to offer.” Both men voiced a long-standing interest in parenthood, and both described themselves as “very family-oriented,” although Rufus also acknowledged having temporarily “shelved” his dream of becoming a parent when he came out. He said he had no role models for what gay parenthood might look like, and he therefore admittedly “bought into” common notions about the fundamental incompatibility of gay life and parenthood. Later, in his early 20s, he began to meet gay parents, which helped to shift his thinking about parenthood from “I want to do it” to “I can do it!” It was not long after he met Trey that the two began to talk about children. Rufus explained, “Trey and I have talked about having kids for a long time; we both, I think, came into the relationship hoping that one day we would have a family. That was a point of commonality for us.” But it took several years for the couple (who had been together for almost five years at the time of the first interview) to pursue parenthood actively. Their mutual desire for both financial and relationship stability ultimately stalled their parenting efforts. Trey, a dermatologist, was in medical school when the two met, and both men agreed that for financial reasons it would be ideal for Trey to finish school before pursuing parenthood. Both men also wanted to make sure that their relationship was “stable” before pursuing parenthood. Now, Trey said, “we’re just, we’re ready. I think financially, we’re ready, personally, we’re ready.”

Once they began to consider parenthood seriously, Rufus and Trey faced numerous decisions: Surrogacy or adoption? If adoption, what type? Although both men had ruled out the possibility of surrogacy early in the process for financial reasons, this decision was initially difficult for Rufus, who acknowledged wanting a child to “serve my immortality element,” helping to ensure that there would be “a little bit of me in the future.” He felt “depressed” by the idea that he would not be “continuing my genes.” Trey, in contrast, mused that he never “had that need to have a child that was biologically mine.” Ultimately, however, the two men decided jointly to pursue adoption. They then faced the decision of what type of adoption to pursue—private domestic, public domestic, or international. Trey expressed the feeling that although it would be wonderful to adopt an older child from foster care who would especially benefit from a stable home, he ultimately felt committed to raising an infant because he would be able to have an effect on that child from the very beginning of his or her life. Rufus also voiced a strong desire to raise an infant, particularly given that he would not have his own biological children. Their strong desire to raise a child from infancy led the couple to pursue private domestic adoption. Both Trey and Rufus also emphasized their attraction to the philosophy of open adoption. Trey described it as “just a kind of way to make everything out in the open. It seemed very natural to us.”

As Rufus and Trey’s story illustrates, the pursuit of gay parenthood is complex and involves many decisions along the way. In order to become parents, gay men must first acknowledge their desire to parent, a process that may be impeded by heteronormative assumptions and practical barriers. In many cases, gay men may also desire—and therefore must seek out—a partner who is similarly dedicated to becoming a parent. They must then explore the various routes to parenthood, and, if they are unwilling or unable to pursue surrogacy, explore their feelings about parenting a child who is not biologically related to them, and before pursuing adoptive parenthood, make peace with any feelings of loss related to not passing on their genes. Finally, gay men who decide to adopt must then decide what type of adoption to pursue, taking into account such considerations as finances and moral/philosophical beliefs. As this chapter reveals, gay men inevitably confront and wrestle with the importance of biological and genetic relations and heterosexuality to dominant notions of family, and, in turn, with stereotypes regarding the incompatibility of homosexuality and parenthood (Stacey, 1996). The men’s narratives highlight the varied ways that gay men may resist or challenge the dominant discourses regarding family—as well as the ways they may ultimately internalize them.

* * *

Men who decide to become parents in the context of same-sex relationships engage in a different decision-making process from that of their heterosexual counterparts. Whereas parenthood is culturally accessible, socially valued, and even expected among heterosexual married men and women, gay men who wish to parent are subject to societal scrutiny and questioning. Gay men who seek to adopt, far from being applauded for their desire to make a difference in a young child’s life (as heterosexual adoptive parents often are), are vulnerable to suspicion regarding their motives (Hicks, 2006a). Further, the households of gay male couples who seek to adopt are often presumed deficient by virtue of the fact that they typically lack a live-in female parental figure (Hicks, 2006b). Indeed, men are generally stereotyped as being less effective nurturers and caretakers than women (Coltrane, 1996; Quinn, 2009), and thus the presence of two men is not necessarily viewed as better than one (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). Such judgments are routinely made by both the broader society and adoption agencies and create a challenging climate for gay male couples who wish to become adoptive parents, who must navigate an interrelated set of assumptions regarding gender, family, and sexuality that are biased against them (Oswald, Kuvalanka, Blume, & Berkowitz, 2009).

Invidious stereotypes about gay men’s motivations to parent and about their parental fitness are offset by a societal climate in which gay parenting is becoming increasingly possible and accepted, although still debated. The gay men who became parents in the United States in the 1980s and even the 1990s were to some extent pioneers who had few visible role models of gay fathers (Gianino, 2008; Mallon, 2004). Today, gay men in the United States are surrounded by more examples of gay parenthood than ever before, and therefore may be more likely to imagine parenthood as a possibility for themselves (Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007).

As noted earlier, the average age of the men whom I interviewed was 38; most men were born in the late 1960s, meaning that they entered adolescence and young adulthood—and began to “come out”—in the early 1980s. Although there were some gay men pursuing parenthood in the context of same-sex relationships in the 1980s, this was far more common among lesbians. Indeed, the 1980s are sometimes referred to as the time of the “lesbian baby boom” (Chauncey, 2005). This “boom” originated in urban, more progressive cities such as Washington DC and San Francisco, where “maybe baby” groups and conferences were increasingly being held for lesbians considering parenthood (Armstrong, 2002; Chauncey, 2005). Before this time, there were gay and lesbian parents, but most had given birth to or adopted their children in the context of heterosexual relationships and later came out as gay. The lesbian baby boom of the 1980s ushered in a new era of sexual minorities—mainly women—who were intentionally pursuing parenthood as “out” gay lesbians and gay men, often in the context of same-sex relationships.

The majority of the men in the study were somewhat aware of lesbians pursuing parenthood at the time that they came out, but few knew any gay men who had become or were becoming parents in the context of same-sex relationships. It was not until the mid to late 1990s and early 2000s that gay parenthood became increasingly visible and accessible, in part due to the Internet revolution (Planck, 2006).¹ Exploring how the gay men in this book came to realize their desire to parent, whether this desire was present when they came out, and whether they felt compelled to give up or suppress such desires in light of the perceived incompatibility of gayness and parenthood, sheds light on both the power of heteronormative structures in shaping men’s desire to parent—and their awareness of this desire—as well as men’s potential for resisting heteronormative domination. As we will see, gay men are affected by and must grapple with dominant discourses regarding kinship, gender, and sexuality. In turn, their decision making regarding parenthood and adoption reflects these discourses, as well as their personal ideals, various practical constraints such as geographic location and financial resources, and broader historical and geographic factors.

Reconciling One’s Sexuality and One’s Parental Aspirations

I asked the men in the study how they came to want to be a parent. Through the process of explaining how they became aware of their desire to parent, many of them highlighted their own coming out as a crucial event in which they juxtaposed their own parental aspirations against their imagined future as a gay man. The men were diverse in the degree to which they internalized societal imperatives regarding the impossibility of gay parenthood, and, in turn, the degree to which they felt that they had—albeit temporarily—forestalled their own parenting desires upon coming out.

“When I Came Out, I (Temporarily) Gave Up That Dream”

One-third of the men whom I interviewed (24 men, including four couples) acknowledged that they did not think parenthood was possible when they came out. These men were often interested in becoming parents, but the absence of gay-parent role models, and the broader social inaccessibility of gay fatherhood, led them to “kind of give up on ever becoming a parent.” Because gay fathers were thoroughly marginalized from mainstream depictions of American family life, these men’s private desires for fatherhood seemed unrealistic and unachievable (Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007; Gianino, 2008). As Rufus, the 37-year-old White computer programmer who lived in a city in the South and whose story opened this chapter, revealed, “I think when I was younger and I was coming out I thought, ‘Oh, that’s it, I’m never gonna have kids.’ I mean, I had no role models.” Likewise, Carter, a 37-year-old White teacher who resided in a midwestern suburb, explained, “It is something that I have always wanted to do, but I didn’t think that as a gay man, it was something that I was going to be able to do.”

Societal depictions of homosexuality and family as fundamentally incompatible—and of heterosexual sex as the necessary precursor to parenthood—continued to prevail in the early 1980s, leading some of these men to experience their own coming out as synonymous with relinquishing their prospective parent identity (deBoer, 2009; Mallon, 2004; Weston, 1991). Bill, a 38-year-old White director of programs who lived in a city on the West Coast, recalled, “When I came out, I mourned the possibility of [parenthood]. Part of my coming out process was, okay, I can’t have children, and accepting that possibility, accepting that I’m enough without having to have a family.” Bill and others perceived themselves as having to make a choice between coming out and becoming a parent. While they realized that coming out was imperative to their own identity, integrity, and well-being, they “mourned” the loss of their parenthood aspirations, revealing the power of heteronormative structures in shaping men’s sense of possibilities.

In several cases, the men recognized that their not becoming parents would also be a loss for their parents, who often longed to become grandparents. Carlos, a 30-year-old Latino sales representative who lived in a city on the West Coast, reflected:

Growing up Mexican, it was hammered into you that your family comes first, family is most important in life. I had to come to terms with what it means to be homosexual [when I came out]. I didn’t know how or if [parenthood] would happen. I was worried I would be a disappointment to my parents.

Clearly compounding Carlos’s personal sense of loss about the prospect of not becoming a parent was a concern about failing to live up to his family’s—and his ethnic community’s—norms and expectations. He described himself as deviant, and therefore a potential disappointment, on two levels: first, in that he was gay, and second, in that he would presumably not become a parent. For Carlos, coming out to his parents was additionally complicated by the fact that in being gay, he was presumably also violating a cultural norm regarding the importance of having and raising children.

Ultimately, of course, these men came to believe that they could become parents. They typically attributed this shift to social and political progress, including changing attitudes toward gay people, as well as concrete changes, such as laws permitting adoption by same-sex couples in their own or other states. As the sociologist Judith Stacey (2006) has surmised, “The increasing visibility of gay and lesbian parenthood arouses widespread expectations, hopes, and fears that public acceptance of homosexuality will cause its incidence to increase” (p. 28). Echoing this notion, Sam, a 36-year-old White financial analyst who had come out in his early teens in the early 1980s, reflected, “[When I came out], I didn’t feel like it was part of gay life, but the world has changed dramatically and now we’re in the position like we feel we can do it comfortably.” Similarly, Vaughn, a 39-year-old White consultant who resided in a rural area in the Northeast, explained how his ability to imagine himself as a parent was facilitated by the societal changes that had occurred over the past several decades, such as advances in gay civil rights, and increases in the number of gay-parent families:

[Being a parent] is one of those things I never thought I’d be able to do. Like in my 20s, I wanted to be a parent, but I knew that I couldn’t—I would have to sleep with women! (laughs) I suppose there were gay people with children back then, I just didn’t know any. Definitely things have changed. … Vermont [now allows] civil unions, and now Massachusetts has marriage … and just in the past couple of years a lot has changed.

In a few cases, the men had to overcome their own internalized homophobia to realize that not only could they parent, but they could be good parents. In explaining why it took him a while to match his partner Kevin’s commitment to parenthood, Brendan, a 43-year-old White graduate student living in a midwestern city, explained:

A lot of it was stuff that I hadn’t analyzed about myself, like my doubts. Would I be a good parent? A lot of it is society and what’s drummed into you in terms of being gay or whatever. Then I just started thinking, I could do as good of a job as these people, if not better. I think a lot of it was looking at things from a different perspective. I didn’t have a light bulb moment where I said, “I want to adopt. I’d be a great parent.” It was a process.

The men’s recognition that they could in fact pursue parenthood was often accompanied by feelings of relief and excitement. As Brendan suggested, they often enjoyed a newfound sense of entitlement to parent as they overcame internalized doubts about their capacity to parent—a process that was facilitated by actively confronting and resisting heteronormative discourses that fueled societal stereotypes about gay parenting (Colberg, 1997; deBoer, 2009). In some cases, they positioned themselves (as Brendan did) as just as good as, “if not better” than, heterosexual parents, a strategy that may serve to further distance themselves from stereotypes of gay men as inadequate and insufficient caregivers.

“I Always Wanted to Be a Parent”

Just under one-third of the men (21 men, including two couples) emphasized that they had always wanted to become a parent, and noted that coming out as gay had not lessened their desire or their intention to parent. Unlike the previous group of men, they did not internalize heteronormative discourses; instead, they resisted them. These men described having come of age in an era where they knew few, if any, gay male parents, but they emphasized that this fact had not dissuaded them from what they described as an “innate” and “unshakeable” longing to parent. These men knew when they came out that they would face many social and legal obstacles to parenting but never thought of giving up their “life goal” of becoming fathers. Harvey, a 41-year-old Asian American sales representative who lived in a West Coast city, articulated:

I always knew I wanted to be a parent, but when you’re in a society where you can’t get married, it just sort of makes it a lot harder. Of course, when you come out, you know that everything is going to be hard! I mean, you have to look at your whole life as there being obstacles and there always will be obstacles. But I just knew I would [become a parent], and it was just a matter of time and then finding the right partner who also wanted to have a child, too.

Harvey resisted both ideological and structural barriers to parenthood. He demonstrated his commitment and intention to parent—even though he knew it would be hard. In this way, he viewed the act of resisting heteronormativity as something that he necessarily must do as a gay man. He was undeterred from pursuing parenthood—even though, on a practical level, he was unsure of how and when it would happen. Other men, too, voiced that while they always knew that they would become a parent, they were not always sure exactly how they would become a parent. Yet they felt certain that “something would work out.” Stan, a 32-year-old White college professor who lived in a city on the West Coast, reflected:

It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do. I sort of just always assumed that I would be [a parent]. It just never really occurred to me to not be a parent. The only question was, you know, how to go about making that happen, and the vehicle through which I would become a parent. I never had a question about whether or not I would but I definitely had a question about how it would happen, when it would happen, all of that.

That almost one-third of the men whom I interviewed emphasized such a long-standing, unshakeable faith in their eventual parenthood is remarkable given their exposure to overwhelmingly negative societal attitudes about gay parenting, at least during their early years, and their awareness of the many structural and legal barriers that they might face in becoming parents. What facilitated their ability and willingness to pursue parenthood? As highlighted by these narratives, a strong conviction in the importance of pursuing one’s goals, even in the face of obstacles, may be operative. In addition, support from their families may have facilitated these men’s resistance to societal heteronormativity. In several cases, the men explicitly noted that their families’ support had helped to counteract the negative messages they received from society about their inability to parent, and served to sustain them even as they struggled with their own self-doubts. Trey, the 32-year-old White dermatologist, explained, “I feel like I’ve been very lucky and very supported throughout my life, with my family and friends, and so I just never really thought [becoming a parent] was going to be a problem.”

“I Never Thought of Becoming a Parent until Recently”

The remaining third of the men emphasized that they did not have any interest in parenthood until adulthood. They articulated that when they came out, parenthood was “just not on [their] mind,” and therefore they did not experience any real or imagined loss of a childhood dream of becoming a father. Rather, during their coming out period they were “caught up in figuring out what it meant to be gay” and were “hanging out in the gay scene, where there typically weren’t a lot of parents.” Their interest in parenting did not emerge until they were in their late 20s and 30s, when parenting as a gay man gradually became something that was both psychologically and socially accessible to them. Roger, a 36-year-old White small business owner living in an East Coast city, explained:

It w...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction: Gay Parenthood in Context
• 1 Decisions, Decisions: Gay Men Turn toward Parenthood
• 2 Navigating Structural and Symbolic Inequalities on the Path to Parenthood: Adoption Agencies, the Legal System, and Beyond
• 3 Engaging Multiple Roles and Identities: Men’s Experiences (Re)negotiating Work and Family
• 4 Kinship Ties across the Transition to Parenthood: Gay Men’s Relationships with Family and Friends
• 5 Public Representations of Gay Parenthood: Men’s Experiences Stepping “Out” as Parents and Families in Their Communities
• Conclusion
• Appendix A: The Larger Study
• Appendix B: Procedure
• Appendix C: Interview Questions
• Appendix D: Participant Demographic Table
• Notes
• References
• Index
• About the Author