Part One
Toast
1958
ulia, my mother, looks like Rita Hayworth, but she is prettier and more read. She is loyal to I me and my sister. This morning as I go off to school, she prays that I wonāt be lonely, wonāt be nervous, that I will be āokay,ā because there isnāt room for another problem in this family.
At the breakfast table thereās already a problem. My sister is refusing to eat toast. It hurts her in some way we will never know, but I believe her. Surely Coca-Cola hurts as it slides down the throat and mushrooms are extremely disagreeable, even monstrous, when you stare them in the face.
Lonnieās screaming bloody murder at the toast lying buttered and helpless on the Melmac plate. It offends her senses. Mother coaxes Lonnie, āJust try the toast.ā (She wants to say āthe damn toastā but sheās not going to blame the toast or fly off the handle; itās way too soon.) All this noise arouses my father, who enters the room with his big stomach, the little hair he has left flapping in the air. āWhat in Sam Hill is going on here?ā he booms.
āLonnie is frightened of toast this morning. She refuses to eat it,ā my mother explains.
āEAT THE TOAST,ā my father bellows.
āNOOO!ā Lonnie howls. āNO. NO. NO. NO.ā
āWhat do you mean ānoā? What s toast going to do to you?ā He shakes the slice like a rattlesnake.
āIāve tried everything, Burton. Just let her be.ā Exasperated, Mother draws her long, freckled hands through her coppery, shoulder-length locks; she likes peace the way I like peace.
āIāll get her to eat the damn toast,ā my father insists, palm outstretched in Lonnieās direction.
āGet your hands off me or Iāll strangle you and leave you for dead.ā
My sister is direct. Sheās taken to talking like a thug to get her way. Too many Cagney films, Daddy says. But I donāt get it. Where does this toughness really come from? I donāt have an ounce of tomboy in me, and Lonās filled to the brim. Dressed in bright plaid Bermuda shorts and a crisp cotton blouse, she almost passes for a girl. But that telescope slung over her shoulder and that Buck knife clasped to her belt make people uneasy. They make me uneasy.
āPlease, Lon,ā I plead. āYouāll like the toast with peanut butter on it.ā
āNo! Itās got sharp edges!ā
āYou want to see sharp edges?ā my father threatens stupidly, the side of his hand cutting the air.
Lonnie runs from the table, shrieking and pushing a stuffed animal with three legs and two heads in his face. She has tailored this creature to fit her idea of the universe: the world has two kinds of creatures, freaks and normal people, normal people being the scarier and far more dangerous species. They kill the freaks and make them do irrational things. Like eat toast.
Lonnie and her two-headed friend scramble down the hall, my father close behind with his hairy arms extended. Lonnie makes it to her room and begins to circle frantically, an animal panicking in her cage. Huddled in the hallway, Mother and I listen to some tragedy take place. Everything is a blur when we peek into Lonnieās room.
āStop, Burton,ā my mother implores. āLet her be.ā
āDaddy!ā I scream. āPlee-ease. Lonnie doesnāt have to eat toast. Not everybody likes it.ā I am not a little peacemaker. I canāt even be heard above the din of arms and legs and howling mouths.
I have stopped breathing. Now Mother and Daddy are fighting each other, quarreling over what to do next about Lonnie and the toast. While they confer in the hallway, Lonnie springs onto her mattress, fists clenched.
Iāll kill ya, Iāll kill ya, Iāll drag you in the gutter. I swear Iāll get you anā drain your blood on the pavement. I mean it. Iāll get ya when youāre sleeping.ā Then she laughs maniacally, not like a mentally ill person but like a cartoon villain. She drools and spits to scare us, and it works. We know she is the consummate actress and loves to play everything to the hilt. But we also know this blond little girl with a Buster Brown haircut and a murdererās imagination is to be taken seriously.
Later, when I come home from elementary school, I see that the cold, butter-stiff toast is still on the table. I lift it up to my lips. Iām hungry, but will eating toast change that? I decide at the last second that the toast is ruined.
Lonnie lumbers into the kitchen like George Raft. āOo-zy! Ooze!ā
Oozy is her special name for me. She calls me Oozy because, when we play cats, she makes a deep ooze sound through her nose instead of the traditional purr. Somehow she associates this sweet, contented sound with me, her baby sister. But I donāt feel very sweet today, just beat.
āWhat?ā I snap.
āYa gotta spend time with your good-for-nuthinā sister.ā
To stave off my guilt, we drink chocolate milk from the carton and eat Cocoa Puffs from the box. To stave off my loneliness, we play with dolls and stuffed animals, and wrestle like all siblings do. Except that Lonnie crunches me with so much love I wonder if Iāll live through the afternoon.
Leon the Leopard
1959
am riding in the backseat of our cream-colored Chevrolet, en route to my sisters dark-haired, dark-hearted therapist. We make the trip twice a week, but I am
not good about going. Lonnieās even worse. She has put out a contract on Mrs. Mancini because this therapistāher fourthādoesnāt put up with any nonsense. My mother and I put up with all manner of nonsense; we are afraid of being less than good, and frankly itās messing up our lives.
The Heinz-Heinz Clinic is far away from Burbank. Studio City must be in another country, and there is no freeway yet. We go the long way through the flatlands, past NBC and Warner Bros. studios. I am only seven years old, so the long way is hard on my sense of time and history. Surely I have other things to do at this age, but my vote doesnāt count.
Today, as we approach the Cahuenga Pass, the last stretch of undeveloped land connecting Burbank to Studio City, the hillside is a blur. I see five separate moving clouds of dust; they portend some sort of magic. Within seconds, wild horses emerge from the dust clouds; they run riotously every which way. Mother says somebody must be filming a cowboy movie, and my eyes widen. I consider the movies a reason for living! Ever since I was five, I have inserted myself into every movie Iāve seen and gratefully, humbly found succor there. Iāve not been on this planet long, but the idea of āelsewhereā appears to be the definition of a happy life. Iāve learned that āhereā is a major disaster, a massacre of possibilities.
The unruly horses are now streaming toward the highway like they might not stop in time. I imagine being trampled to death, metal and horsehair mingling. Lonnieās yelping āYahoo, ride āem cowboy!ā like a wild thing herself. Animals seem to soothe her, the wilder the better. Just before we will be certainly mowed down, the horses change direction, and our Chevrolet crosses over the pass undeterred.
By the time we get to the clinic, the day has become a pressure cooker. Lonnieās upset over the idea that we wonāt buy her a monkey or a Tokay gecko. She tears off in the direction of the corner drugstore to drool over the latest monster magazines and ogle the NestlĆ© Crunch bars. Mother drags her back by the wrist, and for half a block Lonnieās screaming, āMeeshy, those horses are going to mash your face with their hooves! Theyāre going to get you for giving birth to me, because Iām a stupid, stupid creature who has to attend this hell-house for maniacs instead of going to a real schoolālike Oozy.ā
āYouāre not stupid,ā I protest, both hands raised to the heavens like some actress wearing a toga in a biblical movie.
āOh yeah? Then why am I the only schlemiel whoās gotta get his brain scanned and body wrapped in bandages like the Mummy? Why do I gotta go to the torture chamber to be probed by Dr. Mayhem?ā
Lonnieās always trying to scare us big. I cover my ears and blink away tears; movies have not prepared me for her brand of savagery. Gazing up at my mother, hoping sheāll play God here, I see a woman who, like me, canāt quite believe her bad luck. Sheās stuttering, āI ā¦ I,ā and petting Lonnieās white-gold locks. Fear and kindness make her lips twitch. āSuch a pretty girl,ā she says to my sister. My mother is a saint.
āGrrr!ā Lonnie exposes her fangs to prove sheās the picture of ugliness. āDonāt call me a girl. Call me Mad Dog!ā She flings Captain Eyeball, the stuffed animal sheās been toting everywhere for weeks, into Motherās eyes full throttle. Mother smiles a strange, close-lipped smile thatās at odds with her sharp hand movements. Captain Eyeball is newly quarantined in her navy leather purse, while Lonnie brays like some animal Iāve never heard.
The Heinz-Heinz Clinic gives me the creeps. Sunlight floods the place, but its dark core manages to bleed through. In the waiting room I squirm on a pea-colored Naugahyde couch; my butt squeaks noticeably on the fabric. Those little flecks of dirt on the Naugahyde just might be boogers. Mother distractedly rubs my hand while she tells Lonnie to settle down, settle down. Shyness tugs at me like a strong tide, threatening to pull me under. I need a disguise, because I want it made abundantly clear that Iām not one of themāone of the patients.
Lonnie has been a patient here for the last million years. She began her biweekly trips to the Heinz-HeinzāBloody Ketchup Clinic in Lonnieās lingoāat the age of four. Although sheās nine now, two years older than me, sheās both my older and younger sister. Older in years and because she physically overpowers meāshe can have me at the mercy of her gyrating fists in two secondsāand sheās smarter too. Although sheās been put in a class with mentally ill children her age, she can read and write at the twelfth-grade level. Her vocabulary is astonishingāwords like āreticulated,ā āAustralopithecus,ā and āinhumaneā fall off her tongue. But sheās my younger sister because sheās worse than a baby when it comes to controlling her feelings. They spill out of her body and flood our house all day long. I mean, weāre soaked. And younger because, as much as she hates to hear it, a babylike sweetness leaks through her tough-guy stance when sheās not on guard. In public, I am sworn to protect my ālittleā sister; if anyone even looks at her funny, I will clobber them. Well, Iām a wimp so I do my clobbering in a silent, private way.
After five years of brain pickingāboth Lonās brain and my parentsāāthe Heinz-Heinz doctors canāt decide whatās wrong with Lonnie. The director says sheās āschizophrenic,ā but Daddy says thatās a bunch of baloney. āLon does not straddle two worlds. Sheās definitely in one world, albeit her own irrational, insane little universe.ā The Freudians blame Lonās troubles on The Environmentāāthe home environment,ā they told Mother during last weekās session, whispering so as not to offend. The non-Freudians believe my sisterās problems are chemical, that her chemistry got gummed up inside Motherās womb and that she was autistic for the first three yearsābefore she could express this unique chemistry. One lone doctor insists Lon is āborderline,ā which doesnāt sound so bad to me. When he added, āWith paranoid tendencies,ā he winked in a way that made me want to do some of that silent clobbering. But Lon likes the sound of āparanoid tendenciesā; she calls it āpiranha tentaclesā and laughs a little too heartily to be convincing. All of these diagnoses enrage Daddyāhe has little faith in āheadshrinkersāāand they make Mother feel so guilty that she also regularly sees Mrs. Mancini at the Double H.
My own idea of whatās ailing Lon doesnāt count for much, but Mother says itās the most creative. Basically, I think Lon is onto something big. That she knows stuff we canāt even imagine. Like whatās out there beyond the Milky Way or what goes on where the deep blue sea turns black. Even whatās behind our eyes when we shut them tight and see stars. But all of this magical, wise stuff that she picks up like a TV antenna gets mixed up with the drab, normal junk of life and creates static in her head. Thatās why she makes sense half of the time and the other half sheās so bizarre that no one will give her the time of day. Poor Lon. She may be a genius like Albert Einstein and no one will ever know.
Lonnie is intently studying the person directly across from us, her eyes bugged out in obvious pleasure. Hand propped under her chin, she looks like a thoughtful scientist. Hiding unsuccessfully behind The Saturday Evening Post, the tall object of her scrutiny has her hair pulled back in a shaggy ponytail; her legs are clad in worn, soiled dungarees. Now the figureās staring back at Lon, equally amused. When the ponytailed lady abandons the magazine, Lonnieās confronted with a confounding beard.
āAre you a man or a woman?ā Lonnie asks with utter sincerity, moving into range of the mystery f...