F*ck Love

One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

Michael Bennett, MD, Sarah Bennett

• Publisher: Atria Books
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781501140570
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

From the brilliant New York Times bestselling authors of the "refreshingly blunt" ( Harper's Bazaar ) F*ck Feelings —this seriously irreverent roadmap reveals the essentials to look for when you're done being suckered by the promise of true love and want help seeking a real, lasting relationship. Many people have opinions on the subject of romantic relationships—why they're so hard to find, so difficult to maintain, so easily analogized to planets and pets—but the real source of trouble isn't too complicated: it's that we are choosing our partners based on love, excitement, lust, attraction, neediness…on feelings.Instead of helping readers find true love (also known as "total bullshit"), Dr. Michael Bennett and his comedy-writing daughter Sarah reveal the practical, commonsense criteria for good partnerships that will allow real love to develop, even after the romance has died down or been buried completely. Finding a good partner involves losing preconceived notions about who your dream date might be, so the Bennetts helpfully appraise the pros and cons of eight traits people most commonly seek: charisma, beauty, chemistry, communication, sense of humor, family stability, intelligence, and wealth. They suggest you'll have better luck finding a partner in a bar, online, or on a date arranged by your chiropractor if you focus on ideas like mutual attraction and respect and common interests and common goals. With helpful quizzes, case studies inspired by Dr. Bennett's practice, and unscientific flow charts, F*ck Love is packed with enough advice and wisdom to help you avoid the relationship nightmares that led you to this book in the first place.

Chapter 1

F*ck Charisma

Unlike other attractive superficial qualities—looks, finances, a handbag so exclusive it has a first name—charisma can’t be faked or procured. As appealing traits go, it’s a double whammy because it’s not just inherently ingratiating, but, like blond hair or a high metabolism, it’s a genetic gift; true charismatics are born, not made, and they possess the kind of magnetic charm that makes everybody like them and want to believe everything they say, no matter how high the bullshit quotient. That a charismatic person makes us feel good on so many levels, however, is a sign that he’s not necessarily good to build a life with.

Charisma is even more effective than other superficial qualities at drawing you to people who, were they slightly less charming, you’d quickly realize were human plague. Charisma can blind you to character traits you need to be looking at and compromise your future, safety, and common sense. On the other hand, being attracted to someone who’s totally uncharismatic is about as likely as having a crush on a floor lamp.

You’re most susceptible to charismatic relationships if you feel bored with life and unhappy with yourself, e.g., when you’re broke and lonely, unhappy at work, or generally feeling useless, unattractive, and miserable. That’s when contact with charisma promises to lift you out of the doldrums and imbue your life with excitement that would otherwise never happen.

Unfortunately, most of us are unhappy or bored at some time in our lives. What makes us particularly vulnerable to the seduction of charisma is the feeling that, just because we can’t make our lives better and more interesting, we’re failures. That’s when secondhand charisma feels like a magic power that can transform us from losers to winners, from unlovable to the most beloved, special creatures in the world.

Ironically, thinking your charisma makes you special is just as dangerous. You’d think you’d love your charismatic self and its ability to get dates, above-your-true-ability job opportunities, and every last call returned. After the excitement passes, however, you’re left with a job or relationship that, for various reasons, may not work and is often boring. Since you need to generate excitement to feel like a success, you always have to move on, often leaving in your wake a lot of people who feel angry and betrayed.

Charisma is inherently magnetic, but just when it seems to draw you into a deeper connection, it’s most likely to pull you under, blinding you to what’s going to happen next or addicting you to searches that lead nowhere.

The Good Things You Want Charisma to Deliver

• A feeling of significance in everything you’re saying and doing with this magical significant someone.

• A sense of confidence that allows you to approach people so easily you’re basically “the human whisperer.”

• A glow from feeling that a fascinating person finds you fascinating and everyone else in the room is total bullshit.

• A relief from the way you hated yourself and your life before this person made you and your life seem downright lovable.

• A confidence that comes from knowing you’re with the right person, in the right place, and all is right with the world.

Profile of the Charismatic

Traits associated with people seen as charismatics include:

• Physical attributes: Expert at knowing just how to approach you, smile at you, lock eyes with you, and “accidentally” touch you to convey confidence and connection, regardless of how they actually feel about themselves, you, or anything else.

• Common occupations: Those that turn connection and respect into money, such as preaching, litigating, politicking, acting, and big-ticket selling (mansions, boats, huge yachts that are actually mansion-boats, etc.).

• What attracts you first: Some intangible quality that commands your attention for reasons that aren’t clear, i.e., isn’t based on attractiveness, intelligence, or anything short of hypnotism.

• Other early red flags: Your inability to put your finger on what you like about him, aside from his ability to make a strong impression; basically, in describing this person, you sound as if you’re talking about a delightful new street drug instead of a human, and other people in his orbit seem to agree.

Seeking Charisma

Charisma seems like an ideal quality for drawing people together since it inspires attraction and respect and has more to do with personality than beauty or wealth. It protects one from the pain of rejection and the embarrassment of bombing at dinner parties. While charisma might be less superficial than some traits, it still exists fairly close to the surface; charisma has nothing to do with character, reliability, or impulse management, and it’s less than ideal for predicting reliability, fidelity, and a capacity for hard work. Being charmed can give you fuzzy feelings for someone; it can also give you the wrong idea about the person you think you should be with.

Here are three examples:

• I have a friend at work who’s got a magnetic personality and I enjoy talking to her, but I never know whether she really likes me or is just being her usual attractive self. I always get the feeling when we’re talking that I’m special to her, but she sounds like that with other people, too, and I don’t want to make a move at work that could then make things embarrassing. My goal is to figure out whether her feelings for me are special, or whether she’s naturally magnetic and I’m just part of her entourage.

• My boyfriend is tremendously attractive, and I know he loves me, but he also loves attention, and I think he has trouble saying no to at least some of his many female fans. He’s a great salesman, which means he’s such a great bullshitter that he’s good at bull-shitting himself. My goal is to figure out whether he’s capable of a committed relationship.

• People love my girlfriend because she’s totally spontaneous and fun to be with, but I see the other side, which is that she’s also sometimes angry and mistrustful, and that’s when I wonder what our relationship would be like if we got serious. My goal is to help her get over her insecurities, so she can be the happy, charming person we all love.

Charisma seems like a desirable asset in a long-term relationship because it doesn’t wear out or depend on looks or money; after all, ’tis nobler to choose someone with a good personality over good cheekbones or a good investment portfolio. Unfortunately, having a good personality and just being good at attracting people are rarely the same thing.

One problem with seeking a relationship with a charismatic person is that it’s often hard to tell whether she likes you as much as she seems to and, at the crush stage, whether your first overtures will be accepted or rejected. The real issue, however, is not whether you may suffer a little humiliation when you discover that the intense interest, intimate conversation, and love-song-strength eye contact don’t really reflect more than your crush’s desire to captivate. It’s that, even if she is interested, she may never belong to you as much as she belongs to her public.

So instead of trying to figure out whether this woman is actually interested in you or is this way with everyone, take a moment to determine whether she’s actually worth pursuing in the first place, since a relationship with her is bound to make you feel neglected, insecure, and possibly angry and jealous. You may find that it would be better to keep her as a friend you can harmlessly flirt with while looking for someone else more meaningful, even if that someone is less magnetic.

Indeed, a charismatic partner may always make you feel unsure about how much she actually cares, so once you notice her using her charm on anyone or anything that’s currently holding her attention, you start to wonder who’s most-est special to her, or whether anyone is. You’re right, then, to put on the brakes until you can watch her behavior, gather information about her past relationships, and verify her ability to treat those who are truly close, such as you, with genuine specialness and in a way that lasts.

If you’re dating someone who depends on charisma to feel good, as well as to make a living, as do many salespeople, you have additional reason to worry. His manager, ego, and income tell him that he’s respected for his excellent ability to seduce new sales. Unless he is grounded in better values, however, and can tolerate the inevitable “chopped liver” feeling that burdens even the best of partnerships, your relationship may not endure. At the least, those eventual feelings of neglect may fuel a strong need to seek admiration and conquest (those usually come by not being sexually neglected by someone else).

Before taking a risk and putting yourself on the line to commit to that charismatic person, find out all you can about past and current relationships. Instead of just paying attention to his enthusiasm and generosity when love is new, ask yourself whether his attachments last after things get unpleasant and annoying, i.e., after an episode of food poisoning or Thanksgiving dinner with your alcoholic grandfather. Get to know his values and observe how much he depends on his charisma to feel good.

Charisma can also disguise the usual high-risk personality traits that make lasting relationships difficult. If someone with a great, relaxed public persona turns out to have a bad temper and little trust in private, don’t assume that your love and attention will restore the personal warmth that always seemed to dominate her personality before you got close.

While bursts of anger and mistrust may be rooted in misunderstanding or temporary depression and may resolve with patience and understanding, don’t let wishful thinking cloud your judgment as you get to know someone and learn about what happened to their prior relationships. Charismatic people often have more control over how they present themselves; prepare to take more time, effort, and detective work to know who they really are by observing their deeds, rather than responding to their charm.

Charisma may grab your interest and make someone seem like a safe bet, but as with any deal that seems too good to be true, it probably is. The more charisma attracts you, the more carefully you should examine that person’s character and his ability to stand by values of partnership and faithfulness, even when he’s tempted by offers of admiration, money, and sex that his charisma can snag for him as easily as it hooked you.

Quiz: Charm Questions—Caught by Charisma

1. If the most popular kid in your class or guy in your office or gentleman on your floor of the assisted-living facility sidled up to you and asked you out on a date, you would:

A: Say yes before the offer is withdrawn or he even finishes asking the question.

B: Say no with conviction, to make it clear you haven’t forgotten the years of rejection and indifference you’ve been subjected to by him and all of his kind.

C: Buy time by chatting about what he thinks would be fun to do on this hypothetical date while you try to figure out how full of shit he might be and what’s really going on.

2. If you spot your favorite professional hockey player at the supermarket, ask him for a selfie, and he starts to get chummy afterward, your instinct would be to:

A: Gush about how you are a big fan and loved when he punched that guy from his rival team so hard he got concussed.

B: Let him know you’re a fan, not a whore, and you appreciate his time but your Lean Cuisines are melting and it’s time to go.

C: Take his number but avoid using it until after Google assures you that he’s not married, a moron, or out on bail for using his punching abilities on his last girlfriend.

3. If the young upstart candidate running for Congress crosses the street to shake your hand, smile at you, and ask for your vote, your reaction would be to:

A: Try to impress her with jokes, maybe get a big hug, and blush as she puts one of her campaign pins on your coat.

B: Run the other way while yelling, “Leave me alone! I’m . . . an anarchist! Fuck the system!”

C: Smile, tell her you’ll think about it and appreciate her attention, and wish her luck.

4. You hated high school with the passionate intensity of a suicide bomber, but if the coolest kid from your class—the one everyone wanted and who didn’t know you existed—called you as an alumni rep to raise money for your alma mater, you would:

A: Tell him you’d be honored to give and happily follow his lead into a conversation filled with loving nostalgia for a place you neither loved nor feel nostalgic for.

B: Let him know if he’d actually known you, he would know that you hated school and would never have bothered calling in the first place, so it’s time to move on to the next sucker on the list.

C: If the gift would help outsider students like you to enjoy the school more, give a prudent amount, but otherwise, politely decline.

5. If your glamorous mother-in-law takes you and your husband out for a fancy dinner where she pitches you both on investing another $1,000 in her business, you tell her:

A: That you’d be happy to help, expecting your generosity will strengthen your relationship with this impossibly chic woman and give you entrée into her exciting world.

B: That she’s forgetting all the money she already owes you and your husband, which she could have paid off if she’d spent less money on impressing and charming people with pointy shoes and fancy meals.

C: That you’d love to help, but you’d need to see a loose budget from her first, just to see if the money would be used wisely, then take a look at your own household budget to see what you can afford.

6. When your spouse gets through her contrite explanation for why she has been so busy with social e...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Dedication
• Introduction: Love, the Most F*cked Feeling of Them All
• Chapter 1: F*ck Charisma
• Chapter 2: F*ck Beauty
• Chapter 3: F*ck Chemistry
• Chapter 4: F*ck Communication
• Chapter 5: F*ck a Sense of Humor
• Chapter 6: F*ck Good Family
• Chapter 7: F*ck Intelligence
• Chapter 8: F*ck Wealth
• Acknowledgments
• About the Authors
• Index
• Copyright