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- 240 pages
- English
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A #1 Blackboard BestsellerVoted as one of the top ten books of the year by the Los Angeles Times Alice Andrews is a Newark-bred newspaper reporter living the single girl life in Manhattan, while trying to forget the smooth-talking investment banker she thought was Mr. Right. When she meets Jack Russworm, a handsome, third generation Harvard-educated doctor, it seems as though things are finally falling into place. Their romance builds beautifully, but as the relationship gets serious, their divergent upbringings start to the surface. Will they move beyond or get trapped by the expectations of their different worlds.A delicious, eye-opening look at the world of upper class Black Manhattanites.
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1
LIFE IS FULL OF people who are dead. Empty people who donât know whatâs wrong with them or, in the most severe cases, that there is even something wrong.
When Iâd met Miles, right after Mount Holyoke, I was one of those people. I had been living in Manhattan for five years, hanging out with a bunch of women who, in addition to sharing an alma mater, shared a 1950-ish goal of âmarrying well.â It was actually a phrase that we used to describe what we all wanted: a Black Ward Cleaver, who made a million dollars a year and dressed in Armani. What these prized stallions would want in return from their wives-to-be seemed doable at the time: constant stroking, a happy disposition, and great hairâwhich meant long but requiring little artificial maintenance.
I had met Miles Browning at a party. He smelled my hollowness and zoned in on me like a coyote on a campfire. The party was a typical Manhattan one, where the price of admission is a blue-chip rĂŠsumĂŠ. The lights were low and the dhurrie was rolled up and stashed in a corner. Sade crooned under a din of Buppies getting down, but not too hard, while playing Negro Geographyâwho-do-you-know and where-did-you-go-to-school.
âSo, are you as bored as you look?â Miles said after weâd been introduced by the host.
I watched him pour himself a plastic cup of Freixenet, his merino wool turtleneck and gray flannel slacks sculpting every part of his perfectly muscular frame, and smiled. âNo, actually, Iâm rarely bored at these things.â
I amused myself by listening in on other peopleâs conversations. It continually amazed me that everybody knew everybody else and if they didnât directly, then they always knew someone in common. One needs only two pieces of information in order to place someoneâwhere they grew up and where they went to school. Sometimes only the school is needed.
I was dressed in a below-the-calf Lycra knit black dress, black tights, and thick high-heeled black pumps. Large baroque pearls punctured my earlobes, and a thin gold bangle dangled around my hand. My shoulder-length hair was relaxed, hard.
âI like what youâre wearing,â Miles drawled.
âThanks.â I was too overwhelmed by him to say more.
âSo you here wit somebody?â
âNo. I came by myself.â
Miles raised an eyebrow, an obvious gesture to indicate he thought me daring. He was intrigued, but misled. I was not daring, I merely felt comfortable going to the party alone because I was a casual friend of the host, a Steve Urkel look-alike who had had a crush on me. I was attracted to Miles in the most base fashion, and even though he was handsome in a Joe Morton way, his looks werenât the appeal. There was something else about his deportment that said he was a little bit dangerous, not in a gun-in-the-silk-sock kind of way, but like a ghetto Gordon Gekko, an unscrupulous manner. The fact that he was also an investment banker held equal appeal. He was going to be my Ward.
Miles grew up poor in Memphis and used his Tennessee accent the way a cat used cunning. The thicker he turned it on, the more he wanted somethingâthough in his work there was barely a trace of Tennessee. âI got enough strikes against me,â heâd joke whenever I teased him about the Main Line lockjaw he adopted at the office. He piloted a red Porsche Carrera convertible, wearing cognac-colored driving gloves around Manhattan as if he were the baron born, and I fell for him and all the trimmings.
After two dates he invited me to go with him to Paris for a week. âI know you the one, baby,â he told me on our second date over a bottle of Lafite-Rothschild 1962 at the Four Seasons. âWe just need to get outta New York and spend some real time together.â I was convinced that I was in love with Miles, and I made a deal with myself at that moment to do whatever I had to do, which turned out to be pretending to be someone else, to close the deal. Iâd anointed him the perfect man: Ward doing the levelsâeatinâ ribs with the brothers who work for transit and drinking Veuve Clicquot with CEOs.
In our first year together, I literally put my best face forward, rising before he did, which meant predawn, to wash my face and brush on custom-matched Prescriptives face powder. I would search The Wall Street Journal for mergers and acquisitions I could discuss with him, and I routinely sent him tokensâsterling cuff links from Tiffany, Armani sunglassesâwhen he closed a big deal or had to work through a weekend. Even though these trinkets cost almost my weekly salary and I was barely covering my rent, car insurance, and student loans, I was on a mission to get him. My best friend from high school, Cheryl, thought I was on my way to a mental hospital. That was pathetic enough, but to Cheryl the clincher was that I got up before Miles to put on mascara. âAnybody you had to do all that forâbefore even having coffeeâwasnât worth having,â was her opinion.
She was right, but she was also part of the living and part of my past, the one I didnât value. The one that I had once wanted to hide.
My name is Alice Andrews. I was named after my fatherâs mother, Alice Eliza Andrews. A fancy name for a sharecropperâs wife, isnât it. She was. He wasnât. My fatherâs parents grew up in the South, South Carolina. I didnât know them, they were dead when I was born, and even if they hadnât been, I have a feeling I probably wouldnât have known them very well. My motherâs side was the dominant force in my life.
I was born to a woman who was born of a woman of prodigious will. My grandmother Viola packed up two daughters in South Carolina, leaving behind a job in some White familyâs kitchen and a dead husband. She would go to Elizabeth, New Jersey, without a job, an education, or a place of her own to stay.
In the 1930s Black people were leaving the South like ducks at a skeet shoot, clutching hearsay about factory jobs and northern streets that were literally paved with gold. They moved north, in Jim Crow train cars or hitching a ride in someoneâs old car, in the dead of night for fear of landowning Whites persuading them, at rifle point, to stay. Grandma Viola was big boned, stood about five feet eight, and had broad shoulders. Her caffè latte complexion and what the old folks used to call âgood hairâ gave fodder to her air of superiority. Her hair alone was something most Black folks were proud of in those days because it was proof that your heritage was mixed with Indian and/or White and you were therefore better than those coil-knotted Black people who were unblended, unadulterated. However, Grandma Violaâs family, especially her daddy, was ashamed of the whiteness in the blood because it was evidence of the White manâs violation of Black women and of the Black manâs impotence to protect them.
Her hair and her stature gave her the appearance of confidence that made many rural Blacks and Whites uncomfortable. People used to say, âViola donât take no tea for the fever,â which means she didnât take any stuff from people. At the slightest provocation, she would tell someone to go to hell or to kiss her ass. People would say that she was full of herself. Actually, though, she was full of shame. Shame about the way she looked and the way her own people valued those looks, which were the result of a violation of spirit as well as body. Her daughters, my mother and Aunt Thelma, inherited her spirit and probably her shame. Some have said that they passed it on to me. I know I got the good and the bad.
The North turned out to be a harsh life, and Grandma Viola became bitter. Not only were the streets not coated with gold, some of them werenât paved at all. The only factory jobs given to Blacks were the worst of tasks, like sweeping furnaces and floors, and even those werenât easy to get. Grandma Viola took in laundry and made sure her kids hustled for odd jobs. By the time my mother got to high school, she had a full-time job doing daywork for a barely middle-class White family in Union. Her humiliation at having to wear her pink maidâs uniform underneath her school clothes and her own motherâs indifference to her shame was something sheâd spend a lifetime trying to overcome. Grandma Viola was concerned about survival, and my motherâs paycheck was part of the palliative. My mother had been a bright, athletic student, earning mostly Aâs in high school and a spot on the girlsâ track team.
âRoberta, that runninâ ainât gonâ put a thing on this table,â Grandma Viola would say.
Track was forgotten, but my mother kept her grades up, lugging her books with her to the White folksâ house in Union, studying Hawthorne while her young charges practiced their scales, reciting Blake and Tennyson as she peeled potatoes for dinner.
She was convinced that her good grades were to be rewarded with a better life and a chance at going to college when she overheard a conversation between Grandma Viola and her sister, Aunt Estelle, during one of Estelleâs visits north. Estelle had stayed in South Carolina, gone to Atlanta University, and become a teacher. She and her husband could not have children, and Aunt Estelle told Grandma Viola that she would pay for my mother to go to college if she maintained her grades. Before my mother could burst into the kitchen to thank Aunt Estelle, she heard her motherâs voice.
âRobertaâs gotta work, Estelle, ainât no use in you fillinâ her head wit a bunch of yoâ highfalutin talk. What she look like goinâ to college, anyway? She ainât nothinâ, and all the college in the world ainât gonâ change that.â Standing outside the family apartment, in the hallway, my mother felt the walls closing in on her. She convulsed into tears so heavy that they soaked the front of her pink maidâs uniform. For her, she would later tell me, in that moment she was forced to let go of her dreams for herself. It was as if all her ambition were frozen, put into a capsule, to be defrosted for me.
âI vowed that my daughter would want for nothing, the least of which would be a college education.â
Once my mother learned to swallow her fate and realized that what awaited her was what most girls her age had to look forward toâa career as a domesticâher grades dropped, and by the eleventh grade sheâd gotten pregnant and had to drop out of school. A shotgun wedding was held in the living room of my grandmotherâs apartment, and seven months later she had a stillborn child. Ten years later, my brother, Lucas, was born. Just about two years later, I came.
My mother was a scrupulous housekeeper. Everything in our house was immaculate: the folds in the lampshades, the cracks behind the radiators, me. My mother always made sure that I looked my best, that our house was the cleanest in the neighborhood. She turned a spare room in our three-story, two-family house into an ironing room, where she pressed our sheets, her bras, my fatherâs boxer shorts. Looking back, I believe it was her therapy. Sheâd present a perfect picture to hide the mess that was inside. My third-grade teacher, Mrs. Silver, once asked me who did my shirts. She assumed we had a maid. I didnât understand what she assumed, so I asked my mother who did our shirts. My mother rolled her eyes and didnât answer. Mrs. Silver told the other teachers that we had a maid, and they all watched what I wore to school, checking the label of my beige cashmere to see if it actually came from Lord & Taylor, and commented that we were an unusual Negro family to know about quality of this kind. My reversible corduroy jumpers were fussed over by the teachersâprimarily striving first-generation college-educated Jews from the same South Ward neighborhood. They were kind to me, pinched my cheeks, and commented about how pretty I was. Yet I was totally confused by their accolades, because I hated my clothes. I wanted to dress like the kids from the projects who wore the trendiest clothes, like wet-look jackets and gauchos from Lernerâs.
We were the only family on the block that didnât have plastic covering the furniture. We had slipcovers. We had rugs, when everyone else had nothing, or else the latest wall-to-wall. We had heavy drapes that made our house feel like a cocoon in the fall and winter; others had shades or multicolored polyester curtains. My bedroom, however, was my motherâs decorating tour de force. It was a replica of Gidgetâs, TVâs reigning American princess in the 1960s. I had the white colonial bedroom furniture setâdesk, dresser, chest of drawers, bookcase, and canopy bed with the floral bedspread and canopy cover. I was about eight when the Bambergerâs delivery truck pulled up in front of our house, and I remember thinking that adults were very strange to get this excited about something as uninteresting as furniture. My mother was glowing. But, I guess, for a woman who never had her own bed, much less her own room, this was a very big day for her. She spent weeks hand sketching and painting little daisies on the walls and choosing just the right fussy sheer white curtains. She got on her hands and knees, applied chunks of wax, and then machine-buffed the hardwood floors till they gleamed.
âYou are everything I ever wanted to be,â my mother would say to me almost daily. So the piano and dance lessons that she had shuttled her former charges to and from were now provided for me. The expensive, conservative clothes worn by the wealthier White kids whom her sister, Aunt Thelma, took care of were the clothes she bought for me. The French schoolgirlâs hat and matching coat, the beige cashmere with the velvet collar, the reversible green plaid jumpers, the whole Hahneâs, Lord & Taylor, stock were hanging in my closet.
I wasnât born when my family moved into our gray frame house at the mouth of the Weequahic section in 1950. Then Newarkâs South Ward was where you moved up to, especially if you were Blackâit was the Upper East Side, and the Weequahic section was its Park Avenue. Parts of Weequahic were just starting to open up to Black people, and my family was the first one in the neighborhood. Realtors wouldnât sell houses to Blacks beyond Lyons Avenue, which was the entrance to the Weequahic Park area, where English Tudors and large Dutch colonials were set back from the maple-lined streets called Vassar and Goldsmith. Each decade a fresh immigrant success moved in and the old families moved out. First there were the WASPs, who began moving out in the 1930s and 1940s as the Irish moved in; the Irish began moving out in the 1950s as the Jews moved in. The Italians had established a separate haven, in the North Ward, where they still live. When my parents bought their house, east of Lyons, it was on a pretty block of mostly two-family homes, with brick-front porticoes and wrought-iron railings. Large maples lined the block and the houses were painted yellow, pink, and green, and ours was gray, with a white picket fence around the small front yard, where my mother planted red and yellow tulips. My father built matching fencing around our backyard, which was big enough for a patio, a large walnut tree where our basketball hoop hung, and two fairly long plots of grass and two sets of hedges. My brother, Lucas, and I played with the Germans, Cubans, and Jews in the neighborhood. My dad, a navy veteran who fought in the Pacific during World War II, worked at the post office on some kind of assorting assembly line, and my mom was home all day. We were sort of like the family in Father Knows Best, except a tan version, and it was my mother who usually had the answers. We were living the American dream, I thought.
When Sidneyâs family moved in, the second Black family, he was five, I was four, and he became my best friend. Sidneyâs father walked with a limp because of an old college football injury. He was a high school football coach and a jock of all trades. Sidney had no interest in sports. He and I played house. I wanted him to be the daddy, but he refused and claimed one of the baby dolls from the pile resting on my pillow at the head of my bed as his baby. âIâm a mommy, too,â he announced to me, and put my brother Lucasâs plastic typewriter cover over his head as a wig. We drank Tang from my toy china cups with our pinkies extended.
More families like ours moved in: the Hallmons, the McKnights, the Browns. The Schnitzers and later the Kauffmans moved out. Our neighborhood had an Our Gang quality. All these families had kids. The McKnights had nine and were newly arrived from Georgia. The Hallmons lived in our second-floor apartment, and my mother and Mrs. Hallmon would talk for hours on the back stairway. The fathers bonded under open car hoods. In the warm months, the neighborhood girls, me, and Sidney, who was always with me, moved from porch to porch, playing jacks and Barbies and jumping French and double Dutch. The boys, Duke, Cool Breeze, and Icky Harold, teased Sidney, called him a fag or a sissy fag for always hanging around with girls. Heâd give them the finger while jumping flawless French. I loved Sidney. Weâd sit on my porch until weâd see his mother, whom he called by her first name in front of her, coming up the block, rushing in, to cook dinner before his father got home. It was Sidneyâs cue to go home.
In summer yellow pylons were put at each corner and our parents would have block parties. Sidney would win the one-legged races and eat too many hot dogs. In winter the grown-ups had cocktail parties at each otherâs homes and would bring their kids already dressed in pajamas. I loved wearing my light blue footies. The parents would let us stay up and watch the action, which was loud talking over riffs of Nancy Wilson and Otis Redding or dancing to Johnny Taylor and Wilson Pickett. They drank Johnnie Walker Red. The kids would fall asleep and stay till the next morning. It was the kind of neighborhood where people didnât lock their doors. The husbands had factory or government jobs, and most of the wives worked as secretaries, teacherâs aides, or nurseâs aides, or in one of the many city factories like RCA or Singer, or as sales clerks at places like Bambergerâs. We didnât need phones because people would just drop by. I thought weâd live in this safe, warm place forever or at least until we grew up and went away to college, which in my house wasnât ever an option, but a mandatory exercise, like getting christened.
⢠⢠â˘
By the time I got to the sixth grade the 1967 riots happened. The riots devastated the Central Ward, and that changed my world forever. Suddenly my preppy clothes, the furniture in our house, my piano lessons, became a topic, something that separated me from the new, less fortunate kids who were moving into my neighborhood from the Central Ward. Nothing about me or my clothes had been an issue with kids on my block, I guess because everybody was pretty much the same. At first the change was imperceptible. White people had moved out overnight, selling their beautiful Tudors and colonials for peanuts, but most of them were in the Weequahic Park section anyway. Theyâd left my block years earlier. What began happening was that some of our family friends, some of the ones who didnât own their houses, began moving away to places like East Orange, Orange, and Irvington. The new families who moved into the surrounding blocks were different because there was just a mother and two, three, or four kids. If there was a father, he was usually a father of one of the kids, the youngest one, not the whole family. The new families had several different last names taped to their mailboxes. They ate things Iâd never heard of, like mayonnaise sandwiches, with no bologna or salami. It was just mayonnaise spread on two slices of Sunshine white bread, but Sidney and I didnât let those things stop us from making friends with our new neighbors. We introduced them to some established traditions, like playing jacks on the porch, jumping French and double Dutch. At school, however, I was surrounded by new and hostile faces. Sidneyâwho was a year ahead of meâwas busy trying to pretend to be butch and to like softball in order to keep from getting beat up by the new tough boys. The new girls decided that I âthought I was cuteâ and didnât like me. I never could figure out how they could tell what I thought since I always thought my thoughts, everyoneâs thoughts, were private. Actually, what I was really thinking was that I wanted to be like them. To be able to chew gum and make it crack. To be double-jointed, so that instead of my legs looking straight up and down, they curved backward. At first it was just one or two girls who had moved from the Central Ward, who would pick on me and threaten to âbeat me up after school.â Then the gang of girls wanting to fight grew, and by seventh grade, I was dealing with a new threat every day, learning to live with a permanent fear of being attacked. I tried making friends with the new girls at school, inviting them to my house at lunchtime and after school for snacks. Pam, a heavy new girl with a good disposition and leadership skill, was the only one who came. We played with my Barbies and watched the Monkees on my thirteen-inch Motorola in my room, then she went back and told the other girls what my room looked like. The new girls started calling me âWhite girlâ and saying that I thought I was better than they. In 1968 calling a Black person White was equivalent to callinâ their mama a ho. I didnât get why they called me White girl. My dad had organized postal workers to go to the 1965 March on Washington; before that I didnât know differences existed among Blacks. We were all in the same ship together, he told me. I believed that being Black, a name I called myself even though some people still used âNegro,â was something we shared, like having the same last name. To say I wasnât Black made no sense to me.
⢠⢠â˘
My mother never could understand why I would come home in tears every day after school. Her response was ignore them, âtheyâre just jealous.â It meant nothing to me. In my eyes I was the odd man out and I only wanted to be in, to be like everybody else in school, to trade my Stride Rite oxblood oxfords for white go-go boots from Bakerâs. I realized, at twelve, that I was on my own. My motherâs idea of an antidote was to put me with girls who, in her eyes, were like me. I tried to be a good sport for my mother, but most of her ideas made me restless. In Brownies, making pot holders and earning patches was about as interesting to me as watching ...
Table of contents
- Cover
- Dedication
- Acknowledgments
- Epigraph
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2
- Chapter 3
- Chapter 4
- Chapter 5
- Chapter 6
- Chapter 7
- Chapter 8
- Chapter 9
- Chapter 10
- Chapter 11
- Chapter 12
- Chapter 13
- Chapter 14
- Chapter 15
- Chapter 16
- Chapter 17
- Chapter 18
- Chapter 19
- Chapter 20
- Chapter 21
- Chapter 22
- Chapter 23
- Chapter 24
- âWelcome to My Breakdownâ Teaser
- About Benilde Little
- Copyright