I
Many would call me a dishonest man, but Iāve always kept faith with myself. There is an honesty in that, I think.
I am Aliās brother. We are from a village that no longer exists and our family was not large or prosperous. The war that came after the Russians but before the Americans killed our parents. Of them, I have only dim memories. There is my fatherās Kalashnikov hidden in a woodpile by the door, him cleaning it, working oiled rags on its parts, and the smell of gunmetal and feeling safe. There is my motherās secret, the one she shared with me. Once a month sheād count out my fatherās earnings from fighting in the mountains or farming. Sheād send me and Ali from our village, Sperkai, to the large bazaar in Orgun, a two-day walk. The Orgun bazaar sold everything: fine cooking oils and spices, candles to light our home and fabrics to repair our clothes. My mother always entrusted me with a special purchase. Before we left, she would press an extra coin in my hand, one sheād stolen from my father. Among the crowded stalls of the bazaar, I would slip away from my brotherās watchful eye and buy her a pack of cigarettes, a vice forbidden to a woman.
When we returned home, I would place the pack in her hiding spotāthe birchwood cradle where sheād rocked Ali and me as infants. Our mud-walled house was small, two thatch-roofed rooms with a courtyard between them. The cradle was kept in the room I shared with Ali. My mother would never get rid of the cradle. It was the one thing that was truly hers. At night, after weād returned from the bazaar, sheād sneak into our room, her small, sandaled feet gliding across the carpets that lined the dirt floor. Her hand would cup a candle, its smothered light casting shadows on her young face, aging her. Her eyes, one brown and the other green, a miracle or defect of birth, shifted about the room. Carefully she would lean over the cradle, as sheād done before taking us to nurse. She would run her fingers between the blankets that once swaddled my brother and me and, finding the pack Iād left her, sheād step into the courtyard. And Iād fall back asleep to the faint smell of her tobacco just past my door.
This secret made me feel close to my mother. In the years since, Iāve wondered why she entrusted me with it. At times, Iāve thought it was because I was her favorite. But this isnāt why. The truth is, she recognized in me her own ability to deceive.
Like most men, my father farmed a small plot. He understood the complexity of modest tasksāhow to tap the ever shifting waters of an underground karez, how to irrigate a field with that water, how to place a boulder at the curve of a furrow so the turning flow would not erode the bend. He taught these lessons to me and Ali. We grew, working by his side, our land binding us together, sure as blood.
In the warm months, my father would head to the mountains, to fight. His group operated under the Haqqanis, and later joined Hezb-e-Islami, but loyalties shifted often. My brother told me that when my father was killed, his group was again with the Haqqanis but now they all served under the Taliban. For a boy these things meant little. Sometimes I wonder how much they matter even to a man.
When I last saw my parents it was summer. Against the Talibanās orders, my fatherās group had returned home early. Theyād disobeyed their commanders after being told to extort taxes along a certain road. At the time, I understood none of this. On that last morning, my father slept late and my mother prepared breakfast in the courtyard. Ali and I had no work to do on our land, and we grew tired of waiting for my father to wake. Our mother grew tired of restless boys, and she shooed us off to gather pine nuts for the meal. We wandered away from the village toward the tall trees lining a ridge. Ali climbed their thick trunks and shook their branches. I gathered the cones that fell, cracking them open between two rocks and picking the nuts from each.
That year, Ali had grown strong enough to climb onto the highest branches. His long arms would grasp above him as he took powerful, assured steps up the tree. Heād only stop when no branches remained to take him higher. When I climbed, Iād test each branch, tugging it to ensure it could hold my weight.
He was about to turn thirteen and would be a boy for only a short while longer. Each year, our mother would buy a bolt of fabric and make one new set of clothes. Ali would get the new set and Iād get his hand-me-down. He was always larger than me, and my clothes never fit.
We both had little education. When my mother was a girl, sheād learned to read and write in a school built by the Russians. She taught us how, but nothing more. My father had never been to school. Heād fought the Russians instead. Now that Ali was old enough to travel on his own, my father planned to send him to the madrassa in Orgun.
What will you learn there? I asked, my head tilted back, staring up at Ali among the pine branches.
I donāt know, he said. If I did, I would not have to learn it.
You leave in the autumn? I asked.
Yes, Aziz, but youāll see me when you come to the bazaar. And in two years, when youāre old enough, maybe youāll join me.
Ali shook a high branch and more cones fell around me. I broke them against the rocks. My pockets were nearly filled with nuts when I heard the sound of an engine in the distance. Ali waved after me and I climbed into the branches with him.
What I saw next I didnāt understand. To remember it is like being on a high trail in the fog, feeling but not seeing the mountains around you. First there was the dust of people running. Behind the dust was a large flatbed truck and many smaller ones. They pushed the villagers as a broom cleans the streets. A shipping container lay on the bed of the large truck. Amid the dust and the heat, I saw men with guns. The men looked like my father but they began to shoot the villagers who ran.
I tried to climb down from the tree, but Ali held me to its trunk. We hid among the branches. A thought came to me again and again: my father has a rifle, too, these men must know my father. Soon the shooting finished. The living and dead were locked together inside the container. I looked for my father but saw him nowhere. The gunmen walked from home to home. They lit the thatched roofs on fire. Still, I told myself not to worry. My father had a rifle. No harm could come to him.
All that day the fires burned. The wind changed and we choked on the smoke from our home. We had no water. The flames receded in the night, but this gave us little relief. Hungry and thirsty, we returned to our village in the morning. The truck and container were gone. Sperkai was empty and smoldering. In our home, the carpets were little more than ash brushed across a dirt floor. My motherās cradle had collapsed into a pile of charred sticks. But my fatherās Kalashnikov lay hidden by the door, mixed with the woodpileās embers. I reached for the damaged rifle. Ali swatted my hand away. He had no interest in it.
This is no longer our home, he said.
I clutched my hand to my chest. It stung from where Ali had struck me. I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat filled with the sorrow of all Iād lost. I swallowed, then asked: Where will we go?
Youāll come with me, he answered as though he were a destination.
We traveled the familiar road to Orgun. In the city, we hoped to find work and perhaps some news of our parents. Each day we begged our meals in the streets. Cars sped by us. Gray buildings rose several stories high, a stream of people passing in and out of them. We crouched in the doorways. As crowded as Orgun was, it might as well have been deserted. We never saw the same face twice. Those who looked at us did so with pity, as if we were doomed boys. Ali was nearly a man, but having no family made him a boy.
Once, in Sperkai, an older child had split my lip in a fight. When my father saw this, he took me to the boyās home. Standing at their front gate, he demanded that the father take a lash to his son. The man refused and my father didnāt ask twice. He struck the man in the face, splitting his lip just as his son had split mine. Before the man could get back to his feet my father left, the matter settled. On the walk home, my father spoke to me of badal, revenge. He told me how a man, a Pashtun man, had an obligation to take badal when his nang, his honor, was challenged. In Orgun, every strangerās glance made me ache for a time when my father might return and take badal against those whoād pitied his sons.
Ali and I would beg during the days. At night we would leave Orgun and cross the high desert plain to the low hills that surrounded the city. There we would rest with the other orphans. Among them, weād share a crack in the earth or the embers of a spent fire, our shadows mixing as we slept. Some stayed for a night or two, never to be seen again, others stayed for years. Ali warned me against befriending these boys. He didnāt trust anyone as poor as us.
We lived like this for two winters.
ā
One night as we left Orgun, it began to snow. Ali and I stumbled across the barren plain. Dust turned to mud in the storm. The snow gathered on the earth and on our shoes and clothes. Our bodies melted the snow and we became wet. Around us, the storm and the darkness blew neither white nor black, just empty. Soon we were lost. On the plain, there was no fold in the earth or clump of trees to protect us. Far off, we saw a square shadow. We staggered toward it, and pulled open the rusted hinges of some metal doors, and climbed inside. Outside the cold had cut into us, but inside the cold came differently, it stuck. Ali struck a match. The shelter appeared empty, but then, in the corner, I saw rags, pieces of torn clothing. I gathered them and my brother built a weak fire. The flames danced against the walls. Long claw marks ran down the walls, to the steel of the seams. At the seams were nicks and dents, places where the metal had been pulled up. The fire went out. The storm heaved outside. In the dark I sat against Ali and shook.
In the morning I woke up alone. The door was cracked open and it showed a sliver of perfect blue. ...