ERIS

John King

• Publisher: Methuen Drama
• Year: 2018
• ISBN:
  9781350102378
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Theatre Playwriting

You know what would really fuck them off? If you went out there and found the least suitable, most inappropriate, most outrageous hunk of a man that this fine city has to offer, and the pair of you rock up to that church service in May, arm in arm. Seán is feeling wronged because his boyfriend Tim has been excluded from a family wedding back home in Ireland. What does it matter that they've just broken up? The problem for his family is that Tim is femme, fabulous and worst of all, English. Spurred on by righteous anger, Seán is determined to do something about it. As Greek myths, hook-up apps, and the musical stylings of Sinéad O'Connor collide, Seán launches into his hunt for the most disruptive plus-one possible.

Scene One: A Call

MamSinéad is getting married!

SinéadI’m getting married!

SeánOh my God.

MamSinéad’s getting married! Oh my baby!

SeánWhat?

MamMarried!

SinéadSteve proposed this morning.

SeánMarried?

SinéadIt was the cutest thing.

SeánTo Steve?

SinéadHe did it over breakfast.

MamTell. Us. Everything.

SinéadOkay, so he put the ring inside a pain au chocolat –

MamOoh very fancy.

SinéadYeah, I know. But then, right, he turned away to kind of like steel his nerves or whatever, and sure didn’t I take a big bite out of it?

MamGosh!

SeánMarried?

SinéadA big bloody bite. I felt something hard. Right here. A sort of crack. And so I spat it out, this mushy doughy glob right on to the table, and there it was, glistening in the middle of the mulch –

MamThe ring!

SinéadMy tooth.

MamOh.

SinéadI spent most of today in A & E. It was very romantic actually. Steve kind of took control of the situation. He took the whole morning off work and really, you know, came to my rescue.

SeánBut wasn’t it his fault that you –

SinéadAnyway, here it is.

MamIt’s gorgeous.

SinéadI know. It’s perfect.

SeánIt’s still got some chocolate on the –

SinéadShut up, Seán.

MamCan’t you just be happy for your sister on her big day? Listen, run downstairs and tell your Nana right away, and then we’ll have to –

Seán (breaking away) I am happy for her. Of course I am.

Sinéad knows what she wants. She’s always the first into everything, but

Steve.

It’s Steve.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Steve.

He’s He’s really, I mean –

There are no flies on this guy.

He’s twenty-six, you know, he has a steady job.

As an accountant.

And he’s reliable

and everything, but he’s

Steve.

SteveAlright buddy! I hear you’ve heard the good news?

SeánSteve was in my class all through secondary school, and was –

He was fine, you know. He was kind of Generic Background Heterosexual Number Twelve in our class, not really that good at anything, but still, like, friendly? We’d get on fine, we’d chat about things now and again. He was nice. He was.

And then the summer between T.Y. and Fifth Year, he massively changed. This is ages ago, but he lost a tonne of weight and he started playing rugby, and his skin cleared up, and he just had this big Goodbye to Sandra Dee moment. We kind of stopped speaking after that.

He and Sinéad started going out in college, and –

SteveAlright, buddy! I hear you’ve heard the good news?

SeánYeah.

SteveAbout me and Sinéad.

SeánYeah.

SteveAHHHH! I’m a lucky man.

SeánYes. You are.

SteveListen. I was talking to her when I got in from work and like you know we love you and everything, and we’re so psyched to be sharing our love with you and like I’m so excited to be a part of the clan, yeah? But . . .

SeánBut?

SteveWe’ve been chit-chatting

and we know it’s early days yet, but

but Sinéad thinks it would be best if

Furious whispering. Sinéad is evidently listening in at the other end.

SteveWe were thinking it would be better if Tim –

Sinéad (whispered) If Tim . . .

SteveIf Tim maybe didn’t sit up with us –

Sinéad(whispered) Go on . . .

SteveYou know –

Sinéad(whispered) at the wedding

Steveat the –

Sinéad(whispered) at the wedding

SteveWell.

BothAt the wedding.

SeánWhat?

SteveNow, don’t get me wrong, I like Tim, he’s a top bloke, and I know you guys have been together a long time and I really respect that –

Sinéad(whispered) We / really respect that

SteveWe really respect that, but –

Look, I’ll ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Characters
• Prologue
• Scene One: A Call
• Scene Two: A Café
• Scene Three: Encounters
• Scene Four: The Date
• Scene Five: The Club
• Scene Six: Checking In
• Scene Seven: The Aftermath
• Scene Eight: Dates
• Scene Nine: The Car
• Scene Ten: The Dinner
• Scene Eleven: The Conversation
• Scene Twelve: The Dream
• Epilogue: King’s Cross
• Acknowledgements
• eCopyright