Scene One
Seeds
Willow, a woman of colour, is serving a customer in Boots the chemist. She acts out the female customer.
WillowCan I help you?
A Woman, sheās got good vibes, 30ish, nice coat, good lapels, looks at me.
WomanāYes, sorry I um just wondering if . . .ā
āWell, Iāve got a really itchy um āā.
Beat.
āYes, well, itās really bad, I canāt sleep.ā
WillowOkay, whatās itchy?
WomanāMy umā
She points vaguely to the bottom half of her body.
āMy Front Areaā
WillowYour . . . front area?
Woman (nods vigorously, whispers)āYou know.ā
Willow frowns, still unclear.
Woman (whispers, emphatically)āMy China!ā
WillowOh, sorry, we donāt do crockery.
Woman (whispers)āMy vagina.ā
Willow (to audience, really loudly)HER VAGINA.
(Back to woman, compassionately.) Youāve got thrush madam.
I keep a handle on myself, give her Canesten Duo, and she pays and leaves.
Willow does an impression of the Woman walking off, trying not to itch. She comes back to audience and speaks.
Lady bits? Lady bum? Front bottom?
She offers the words out to the audience almost as if they can pick which one is theirs.
Woo-woo? Noonee? Twinkle? Peach. Flower. Minko. Mimi. Yoni. Tilly. Mary. Aunty Mary. Froo-froo. Vajayjay. Fairy. Sugar Puff. Minnie. Mini ha ha. Froobuloo. Special Place.
Beat.
Really. / Beat. / What is wrong with VAGINA?
I reckon JK Rowling noticed it too. Thatās where she got everyone in her books not being able to say Voldemort from.
The Powerful Wizard Vagina!!
Whispered loudly.
She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!
Beat.
And donāt even get me started on āvulvaā!
Pause.
Iāve just moved here but āchinaā?! Thatās got to be among my top ten. As a pharmacist you get to hear them all. And I mean all.
I can keep a straight face, but I still find it a beautiful moment.
She smiles kindly.
Scene Two
Germination
Itās funny, this all started on a day I let a bit of my self-control go, you know?
Iām basically working two jobs to make ends meet right now so I got to work on little sleep and a lot of coffee.
Sleep deprivation can really mess with your head, but . . . Need my space right now and, yeah, it doesnāt come cheap. But itās a new year, a new place and a new me! Iāve even started doing pelvic floor exercises while I wait for Netflix to load.
She sinks back into the tiredness that engulfed her that day.
Anyway, donāt think my āDickhead Alertā was fully switched on, when . . .
She jumps back in time to tell us the story, and acts out Man herself.
ManāAlright love, yeah, my girlfriendās got something.ā
WillowAh, oh, hello. Yes, okay. Is she able to come in herself?
ManāNah, nah.ā
WillowOkay, what are the symptoms? Perhaps I can help with something off the /
ManāYeah, basically. Seriously burning pee, and a lot, you know. Going for a slash, A LOT.ā
WillowRight, and your girlfriend, has she had this before?
ManāYeah loads, so boring innit, sheās always on about it.ā
Beat.
āSo . . . so what do I need for that?ā
WillowWell it sounds like cystitis, if itās only mild some painkillers will help and lots of fluids to flush it out.
She picks up a packet of painkillers and puts them quietly on the counter.
ManāCool thanks love.ā
WillowIf symptoms persist, I think your girlfriend may need to see a GP and get some antibiotics. A recurrent case could signal more significant problems.
ManāNahh, only significant problem is the lack of action, you know what Iām saying!ā
Willow (Out to the audience.)That wasnāt when I lost my control.
ManāYeah, while Iām here, Iāve got a bit of a pain in my hand.ā
WillowIs it muscular or /
ManāOh itās all muscle, love!ā
Willow (Out to the audience.) No, still had that control.
ManāItās here by my thumb, at the side, when I do thisā (she mimes the Tinder swipe action). āItās a bit swollen, very tender.
Pause.
āIt can get very, very stiff.ā
His thumb pops upwards like an erection.
Willow (Out to the audience.)Still got it!
Willow (back to Man)If itās RSI you may need a support for that or, perhaps, give it a rest?
ManāHas anyone ever told you, youāve got a very caring instinct? Very nurturing. I like that.ā
Beat. He leans in towards Willow.
āI see that in you. I do. Iām not like other guys you know. I like your kind, you know, youāre like, exotic. I like that, I really do. Seriously, what are you doing after work?ā
Willow looks out at audience, about to spit venom, swallows it and turns back to the Man with all her control on full blast.
WillowIām here to help you with any issues that do not require a GP.
If thereās anything you would like...