CHAPTER ONE
What is Emetophobia?
When the little blue line appeared, I couldnāt believe it. I was pregnant! For a very brief moment, I was thrilled to bits. This was my wildest dream come true. But then, reality set in and then the fear. If I was pregnant, then that meant Iād probably suffer with morning sickness and I knew from research and talking to others that it could last for the first three months or even throughout the whole nine!
I couldnāt do it. I just knew I didnāt have the courage, or the strength. Already, just thinking about it, I was beginning to feel sick, so I knew I had to act fast.
I made an appointment for an abortion. If I got it out of me quick enough then the morning sickness wouldnāt get me. I didnāt tell Richard. How could I? He knew nothing of my phobia and I knew how much he wanted kids.
So I went to the clinic on my own. I was terrified and asked to be awake whilst they scraped the baby out of me. I didnāt want to risk a general anaesthetic because of the after-effects. So I lay there, listening to the noises in the operating theatre and staring at the ceiling, praying for it all to be over. When I got taken back to my room, the sense of relief that I wouldnāt get sick was immense, but it competed with the strong grief that was tearing through me. Iād killed a baby because of my fear. How awful was I?
Soon after, I began cutting myself to release the pain inside. Seeing the trickles of blood running down my arm helped a lot and once I even put a knife to my heart to end it all, I hurt so much inside with the knowledge of what Iād done. But I couldnāt do it. You know why? Because if I didnāt do it properly, stab myself, and Richard found me, I knew Iād get taken to hospital. That Iād be operated on. Be given a general anaesthetic and get sick that way. I feel pathetic. I canāt even kill myself. Itās too risky. I fear being sick more than dying. How screwed up is that?
I light a little candle on what would have been that babyās birthday every year and I cry to myself. Richard suspects Iām upset, but he doesnāt pry. He figures Iāll tell him in my own sweet time. But I donāt think heāll understand. Heās asking about us starting to have kids. How do I tell him Iāve already got rid of one? Because I donāt think heāll understand. How could he when I donāt? (Emma, 28)
So what exactly is emetophobia? Apart from it being an extreme fear of sickness and vomiting, it is also powerful. This phobia is so life-encompassing. It affects sufferers in everything they do, all day long. Someone who is a non-emet may say, āWell no one likes being sick.ā Yes, that is true, but to an emetophobe it is much more than that. The phobia doesnāt just affect sufferers when they feel unwell or see someone else is unwell, it affects them every hour of every day. There is the constant worry, the anxiety, the stress about catching a bug, of seeing someone be sick in public, of hearing a colleague mention that his or her child was poorly during the night or of hearing that thereās a bug going round. One of the biggest concerns and worst times of the year for an emetophobe is the season for the winter vomiting bug (Norovirus), when a lot of emetophobes refuse to leave their homes or allow anyone to enter them from about November through to May, when they might deem it āsafeā.
An emetophobe is usually extremely underweight. Many of them are on anti-anxiety medications. Some self-harm or are suicidal. Emetophobia is one of the top five phobias, yet little is known about it because sufferers are so secretive. They assume they are alone in the world and many of them donāt realise that there are others like them until they reach their thirties or even their forties.
I used to lie awake every night, shivering and shaking, panic tearing me apart because I felt so ill and Iād wake in the mornings after having fallen asleep eventually through nervous exhaustion. Iād never heard of anyone else like me. I thought there was something wrong with me but the doctors just said I was just a naturally anxious person. I said it was more than that, that it was this sickness thing, but he had no idea what I was talking about. It made me think that if the doctors didnāt know about it, then I had to be the only one... Iām on Prozac now. My lifeās a mess. (Tina, 46)
Sadly, Tinaās situation is not unique. Many medical professionals, including counsellors and therapists, have never heard of emetophobia and those that have do not yet have the ācureā that all emetophobes seek. All emetophobes want is to live a normal life like everyone else. They donāt want the fear, they donāt enjoy it. Itās not like arachnophobia (a fear of spiders) where sufferers can escape if they see a spider in the room. The thing causing emetophobesā fear is inside of them; their stomach. You canāt run away from that ā itās part of you. This is why many emetophobes cut themselves and self-harm. Itās a way of punishing the body for what it is doing to them. It releases the tension building up to catastrophic levels inside.
Because of this phobia, many emetophobes feel so much pressure and fear on a daily basis that they are unable to hold down a full-time job. Being surrounded by so many people, some who might have been ill or have children who could have caught a bug from school, is just too much. They eavesdrop on conversations, not because theyāre nosy and want to gossip but because theyāre trying to protect themselves. They need to know that the people sitting near them or standing next to them havenāt been ill. If they have, then theyāll start to panic that theyāll get sick next and need to get away. Many emetophobes have lost their jobs because of the amount of sick leave theyāve taken, so many just have part-time positions or no job at all because itās safer.
Relationships can also be affected:
I met this wonderful girl who lit up my life. Iād been suffering with the emet for years and was beginning to think Iād be single all my life when she dazzled me with her smile and good nature...but it was too good to be true. There was a reason she was such the life and soul. Tammy was a drunk. And even though she was a happy drunk and great to be with she would often be sick and I couldnāt stand laying in bed listening to her heave and vomit in the bathroom all night long. On our third night together, she spent most of it in the bathroom being sick and when she came out she looked like death warmed up. I knew she didnāt have a bug and that the sickness was caused by booze, but I couldnāt stand to be around her any more. I left her. She was stunned and doesnāt know the real reason why. (Keith, 36)
Stories like Keithās abound in the emet community. Many female emets who āfaced the gauntlet of morning sicknessā and are mothers, actually move out of their homes when their children catch a bug at school. They feel for their children and ache to comfort them like any parent would, but are terrified of being near them. One mother wrote to say that she camped out in the back garden leaving her husband to take care of their son who was being violently ill while she āshivered with fearā and berated herself for being so selfish and cowardly
Emetophobia is like this. It is an incredibly strong phobia. It has a powerful hold and once itās there you have to find ways of coping with it. But how? And how do you deal with the reactions of people who think youāre just over-reacting? Read on and this book will tell you how and it will also show you how to cope with those times when the emetophobia envelops you.
Iām sick of this fear. Iām sick of the sickness. I want it all to be over. If my doctor doesnāt help me soon, then I just know Iām going to do something drastic. Someone help me...please! (Sherry, 13)
Types of emetophobia
The UKās premier site for emetophobes, providing information and support, is called Gut Reaction (see Organisations and online resources, p. 157), founded by emet sufferer Linda Dean. On the site, she explains the two main types of emetophobic sufferers in simple terms:
Emetophobes fall into two categories:
ā¢ Those who primarily fear themselves vomiting and
ā¢ Those who primarily fear others vomiting.1
Of course, like any illness, mental or otherwise, there are many varying levels among each type. I would argue that there is a third type ā those who fear both themselves and others vomiting. Each of these types is then divided into āanxiety-basedā sufferers and ānausea-basedā sufferers.
Anxiety-based sufferers already have an underlying anxiety, usually accompanied by strong panic attacks, mild agoraphobia and social phobia. Their anxiety leads to nausea, which (in a vicious circle) causes stronger panic attacks, increased feelings of sickness and physical shaking.
Nausea-based sufferers are those with a physical illness that causes symptoms of nausea. This nausea then triggers their phobic reaction to the sensations of sickness, which in turn leads to more anxiety and further symptoms of nausea (Gut Reaction 1999-2006).
Recognising emetophobia
So how would an ordinary person, or doctor, or counsellor, spot an emetophobic sufferer? Itās difficult. Unless the person with emet chooses to tell you, it would be highly unlikely that anyone would spot one, at least in todayās climate. Even though emetophobia is one of the most common phobias, it is hardly known about. Emets guard their phobia for many reasons. Perhaps āguardā is the wrong word. Most emets tend to think that they are the only one like it and many have reported that they only learnt there were others like them when they were in their thirties or later. (With the widespread use of the Internet, younger emets are now discovering there are thousands like them all across the globe.)
Sufferers are highly skilled at making excuses when they are put in situations that they feel will threaten them with their worst nightmare ā sickness and vomiting. If tasks or events are suggested which emets feel will put them at risk or expose them to infection, they are quick to think up some excuse that will get them out of the situation. Itās almost an instinct of self-preservation. If this seems an exaggeration, be aware that most emets feel that being sick ā actually throwing up ā is worse than dying.
Indicators for family members to look out and for doctors to be aware of are habitual patterns of avoidance. This avoidance can be around what many people may consider run-of-the-mill life situations such as avoiding public transport or insisting on being the driver of their own car whilst others in a group travel by train or bus. They will often refuse to travel by boat or aeroplane, never going abroad or on holiday to strange destinations. Fairgrounds and theme parks are definite no-go areas due to the risk of seeing others being ill after a particularly dizzying ride.
Sufferers also adopt highly meticulous food hygiene. They have rules about what they will eat and what they deem āsafeā. They have even been known to inspect a restaurant kitchen before ordering a dish (that is if you have managed to get them out in the first place). The majority of emets will eat foods that they donāt have to touch with their fingers, but largely consider āfinger foodsā as the safest. This usually means that they eat food straight from its wrapping without touching it or, if they have to touch it, will eat most of a sandwich but throw away the corner that they have been holding. Many emets have a diet they consider āsafeā such as well-washed fruit and vegetables that couldnāt possibly give them food poisoning. Crisps, biscuits and sandwiches are usually also considered safe. Cooked food will be dissected carefully to check that it has cooked all the way through. The slightest hint of pink in chicken will mean that it wonāt be touched, nor any of the food touching the chicken, in case of contamination.
Medical treatment
Medical treatment is often avoided, even if it could mean saving their lives. The idea of going into a doctorās surgery for an appointment is anathema. If they are forced to go, they will choose to sit by an open window to breathe ācleanā air. They wonāt touch anything, wonāt read a magazine in case it has been touched by someone ill, wonāt lick their lips in case germs adhere to their mouths and they often try to breathe shallowly through the nose:
Whenever I had to go to the doctor as a child, Iād refuse to sit in the waiting room and Iād wait in my mumās car. She had to sit inside and come fetch me when they called my name. Iād take a deep breath outside and then rush through to the doctorās room, trying not to touch the door handles or anything. The doctor said my blood pressure was always high when I was there and he could hardly hear what I was saying because I was hardly daring to breathe in. I couldnāt wait to get out of there and when I did, Iād still spend the next week or so waiting to come down with any bug I may have picked up. (Rachel, 19)
Medical procedures such as surgery that involve general anaesthesia are considered such an awful prospect that most e...