Using Stories to Build Bridges with Traumatized Children

Creative Ideas for Therapy, Life Story Work, Direct Work and Parenting

Julia McConville, Kim Golding

• Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9780857009616
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

Using Stories to Build Bridges with Traumatized Children is full of creative ideas for how you can use stories therapeutically with children in counselling, life story work or direct work.

Psychologist Kim S. Golding shows how you can use stories to build connections with children aged 4–16 and support their recovery from trauma and stress. She illustrates the techniques with 21 stories adapted from her own clinical work with children and families, and explains how you can expand or adapt them to make them more relevant for a particular child. Advice and stories are arranged into sections dealing with common psychological issues, including looking back and moving on, lack of trust and need for attention. Golding also gives invaluable tips for planning stories and life story work, and for storymaking with children. She also describes how stories can be used therapeutically with parents of traumatized children and as a tool for self-reflection by counsellors.

Imaginative and practical, this book will be enormously useful for counsellors, psychologists, therapists and social workers working with traumatized children, and will also be helpful for parents and carers involved in therapeutic parenting.

Foreword

We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say – and to feel – ‘Yes, that’s the way it is, or at least that’s the way I feel it. You’re not as alone as you thought.’

(Steinbeck 1930)

I first met Kim ten years ago when she was running a training session on Attachment Theory. The workshop, which took place in the drab surrounds of a disused ward in a psychiatric hospital, had a big impact for many of us there about how we thought about Attachment Theory. Looking back, I can really see the influence that that session had on me. One of the things I most clearly remember was Kim’s use of scenarios to illustrate how children’s attachment patterns influenced their behaviour. This captured my imagination, and I used the stories when I began working with foster carers to help them begin to understand how relationships can determine behaviour. Stories have the potential to demonstrate such situations more clearly than any other form of explanation. Of course I was not the only person to be influenced by Kim. Ten years on, many professionals working with children in the UK, particularly those working in the looked-after system, are using these ideas. Kim’s work helped transform the understanding of many people about Attachment Theory. It changed from being a theory we knew but were unsure of its clinical applications to one where we saw its importance in all modes of therapy. Kim has championed these ideas, and her skill and expertise in doing so has influenced so many people in their practice. She has been a leading light in the development of this area and her publications are truly valuable resources, especially for those working with traumatized children. This book is one that can be added to the list of such resources and it is a privilege to be able to introduce this fascinating insight into using stories. Stories and storytelling are, I believe, undervalued tools for helping children and adults learn about their feelings, their inner world of wishes and desires, and for giving them the experience of feeling understood.

Many might see storytelling as a pleasant and fun activity but, apart from developing language and literacy skills, not having a great impact on a child’s development. This view is changing as more is now understood of the importance of both fictional and non-fictional narratives upon how children think and understand relationships. A key task for children growing and learning how to survive in this world is knowing their own feelings, their fears and desires, and to understand these as part of being human. They have to learn that their experiences of feeling rejected, loved and loving, of feeling competent or incompetent and valued or worthless, are part of the experience of living that are faced by all. Children who experience trauma and abuse often face a much tougher task in learning these lessons than those who do not. We learn about these things through stories, for we are always surrounded by them. A child learns about who they are through the stories the adults in their lives tell about them, they learn about their families and heritage through the family stories they may (or may not) hear. They learn about their culture through the myths, fairy tales and hi(stories) they are exposed to, through computer or television screens, books or told face to face. These stories all contribute to the development of an identity, that in itself is no more than a story, one that can either be helpful and dynamic or restrictive and unhelpful. The stories in this book, created from both the realities of children’s lives and a liberating imagination, show how storymaking and storytelling can help children understand themselves better and see themselves differently. It illustrates, as stories clearly can, the almost magical power of storytelling to transform and heal.

All children can benefit and grow through stories. Stories undoubtedly help children learn about their inner world, and it gives a language for their emotions and experiences. Indeed, stories may be so beneficial that, as philosopher Denis Dutton (2010) suggests, they may offer an evolutionary advantage as they provide a way of talking about inner experience and from learning of the experience of others. In stories we find a way of voicing the inner thoughts and feelings, the intentions, the defeats and victories of the characters in the story. Stories are, as Margot Sunderland (2000) has said, the natural way that children learn about their feelings. They don’t learn about this half as well through explanation and reasoning. Of course, a foundation comes through the empathic responses of caregivers that helps them to name and learn about their feelings, but particular insights can be given through stories that can name our darkest impulses. We are drawn to stories for this emotional experience, and it can go a long way in transforming impulsive acting-out behaviour to something more reflective – to be able to pause and think about an action. We have various terms that name this ability to think about our emotional experience: mentalization, emotional literacy and reflective thinking amongst others. These terms have much in common with each other; they allude to the ability to recognize thoughts, feelings and motivations in both ourselves and others and to use this information to guide our actions. However it is termed, the foundation is laid in the process of ‘intersubjectivity’, the process by which people experience themselves through their interactions with others. This is at the very heart of the attachment relationship and, as Kim reveals, storytelling is at the heart of this intersubjective process. The adult carer constructs narratives about the child’s experiences, which not only gives a language for thoughts and feelings but influences how they will come to see themselves, hopefully as loveable and competent human beings, able to deal with the problems life may bring.

So stories and storytelling are part of loving relationships and, like those relationships, build a healthy sense of self. For children who have experienced trauma, neglect or other abuse, often in ambivalent or unsafe relationships, the need for healthy relationships is great. Many children in care, lacking the blueprint for dealing with feelings and relationships, often struggle, even when their circumstances may have seemed to improve. Stories have a very important part in helping them make sense of their thoughts and feelings and to find ways of growing and changing.

Another important aspect of stories is that they are rich in symbol, image and metaphor. Metaphor, particularly, is one of the ways we can understand our own inner experience by likening it to processes in the physical world. In stories we learn about how the physical, social and interior worlds work. Consider the wealth of information contained in a traditional story such as ‘The Three Little Pigs’ – we learn that everybody, even pigs, must leave the protection of their mother and find their home. We learn that houses can be made in different ways, and some are stronger and more secure than others. We learn that the world is full of dangers, of people or creatures that may be threatening to us. Most importantly, we learn that these dangers can be overcome, and safety and happiness can be found. So we can learn, effortlessly and joyfully, about how the world and minds work through stories. Many stories are clearly not true; we learn early that animals don’t really talk and that some things are not physically possible – pigs don’t build houses, but we can still enjoy and engage with the story. We learn that the truths of stories are not factual but metaphorical and narrative in nature. Stories allow us to test our knowledge of reality – we wonder if the story is true or not.

It is the power of metaphor to transform meanings that is often forgotten. Life story work is, of course, critical for helping children overcome trauma, but it is much more than learning about the ‘facts’ of one’s life. Stories are more than facts; they are also about meaning and relationships. This is not to say that the facts of a child’s life are not as important as the ‘story’ they hold about themselves; such facts are very important to know, but it is the ‘story’ that gives meaning to them. All of us are telling stories about ourselves to ourselves all the time, and we might understand the concept of ‘self’ as ‘a constantly changing set of stories’. Kim’s stories use metaphors simply and artfully. In one story the transition from caterpillar to butterfly becomes analogous to growing up and separating, of taking flight as an autonomous person. It is a metaphor of transformation and can transform how people see themselves. The metaphor of a bridge, from another of the stories and the title of this book, also reflects transition by using an object in the physical world to suggest a psychological change. Stories that do not come from the world of facts and rational explanations can help the mind find new ways of seeing. These stories are not like facts; they are dynamic and often in flux, changing, growing and developing.

We think in stories, we are homo narrans. We are storytelling animals. So we want the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves to be helpful rather than self-limiting or even destructive. One belief many people hold these days is ‘I’m not a storyteller’ or ‘I couldn’t tell stories’, even though the ability to tell stories is given to us all if we trust ourselves, our imagination and our memories. The human mind is well adapted for storytelling. Kim tells us her process of developing the stories and then shows us the stories, allowing us to see how powerful they are. When I first read them, I thought of the many children I’ve worked with and felt closer to them, that I understood them better and, in turn, have become more curious about their experience. Kim shows us what we can do when we start thinking about the children we work with using imagination and creativity. She finds inspiration for the stories by attending to her intuitive and imaginative responses to them, and lets that provide the inspiration for communicating her feelings and insights. What better way can we communicate that we are keeping someone in mind than by letting them see that we have entered their dreaming world, their inner landscape of hurts, wishes and fears, and sharing our inner imaginative world too? In a therapeutic world increasingly dominated by ‘outcomes’, it is very good to be reminded of this.

Steve Killick, Clinical Psychologist and Storyteller

Foreword

There is a story behind this short foreword.

As a very experienced psychologist I sat down to read Kim Golding’s new book Using Stories to Build Bridges with Traumatized Children. I anticipated a light and relaxing time, and that I would be reading a good deal of what I already knew, presented with Kim’s excellent writing abilities. I read Kim’s modest goals at the start of the book to provide readers with ‘some starting points’ that would ‘stimulate their creativity’ and her reminder that ‘we are all story creators’. My early expectations were swept away by rising excitement as I read Kim’s work.

I discovered so many new things about stories which I might have known, but had not known so deeply. I learned of many, many reasons why stories have been so helpful in our personal and cultural development over thousands of years. I learned of the many types of stories that help us with our developmental stages, to solve problems, resolve traumas, discover new aspects of relationships with others, and truly ‘make sense’ of the challenges of living. I also learned to see patterns in how stories develop and feel more confident that I will be more creative in developing my own stories having the ‘starting points’ that Kim has provided.

How do I end this foreword?

By reflecting on how much I also enjoyed reading the 21 stories which Kim has embedded in this book, ranging from stories for young children to tales for adults, but all designed to help us to understand the power of stories and their potential to help traumatized children.

In reading the book I have directly experienced how stories serve as a great way for us to deeply learn important matters while at the same time feeling safe and engaged in the process. Kim Golding is truly both an excellent psychologist, teacher, and writer while at the same time being a wonderful story creator.

This is a work to read deeply and to keep nearby as we use stories to help children, their families, and ourselves to make sense of our lifelong journeys.

Dan Hughes, Clinical Psychologist

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The inspiration to use stories within my clinical practice has come from so many sources that it is hard to write these acknowledgements. Inevitably I will miss out some important people. Some, however, stand out as being a huge influence on me, giving me confidence both as a story creator and teller. Dan Hughes has storytelling at the heart of his work, and his training and writings have always been an inspiration for me. A number of years ago I was privileged to attend a workshop with Mike White; sadly, Mike is no longer with us, but the memory of his stories and his use of stories in clinical work remain with me. One of the highlights of many years of attending the Annual British Psychological Society Conference for clinical psychologists working with children and families is of Steve Killick entertaining us with an evening storytelling session. Amongst many, these three practitioners have been a huge influence on my own confidence to bring stories into my clinical work.

Personal acknowledgements go to a number of people who have helped me in my writing of this book. Thanks especially to Emily Barnbrook, my colleague and friend, who has always been a willing audience for my stories as I have written them, and for reading and commenting on a draft of this book. Thanks to Steve Killick for also reading and commenting on the draft, and for his contribution of the Foreword for this book. I have also tried out some of my stories at various training events that I have delivered, both within the UK and USA; the generous responses of the people attending these events gave me the confidence to write this book.

My heartfelt thanks go to all the children and their parents who have inspired me to write stories.

As ever, I have a very supportive husband, Chris, who never complains when I become immersed in my writing. I am privileged to have two children, Alex and Lily, who I have supported into adulthood. Their love of story has always given me a lot of pleasure. The beginning of putting this book together occurred during a week with my mother, visiting family in Barnsley, Yorkshire. It seemed very fitting that my mother and I shared stories of her growing up whilst this book was coming into being. Thanks to my cousin Christine for her hospitality, and for making this very overdue trip happen.

Finally, thank you Steve Jones, for continuing to believe in what I am doing, and to all his colleagues at Jessica Kingsley Publishers who take such care of my work.

Introduction

Children and adults alike love stories; it is no surprise therefore that stories are a central resource within therapeutic interventions. Such ‘helping stories’ are created with a purpose that is beyond entertainment. They are designed to also provide advice, guidance, wisdom or healing. The writer Karen Blixen (aka Isak Dinesen) once attributed a friend as saying that ‘All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them’ (cited in Grosz 2013, p.10). Stories can build connections with others, and thus allow support, facilitating recovery from distress and trauma.

For generations children have been entertained by stories. These can be told, read or watched, alone, or with others. Many children escape into stories when the real world is too overwhelming. Stories evoke curiosity in the child and in this way are a means to stimulate the imagination, educate and, as Bettelheim, the child psychologist and psychoanalyst, suggests, ‘clarify the emotions’. In order to do this such stories need to ‘be attuned to his [sic] anxieties and aspirations; give full recognition to his difficulties, while at the same time suggesting solutions to the problems which perturb him’ (Bettelheim 1991, p.5). This is a good definition for the stories at the centre of this book. I have called these ‘helping stories’, a general term to encompass the range of stories that can be used therapeutically to provide insight, suggest solutions, facilitate healing, process trauma and understand life story experience.

As the examples in this book illustrate, stori...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Of Related Interest
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• List of Stories
• Foreword 1
• Foreword 2
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2
• Part I
• Part II
• Part III
• Part IV
• Part V
• Part VI
• Part VII
• Appendices
• References
• Index
• Also available