What Will Happen to Me

Every Night, Approximately Three Million Children Go To Bed With A Parent In Pri

Howard Zehr

• Publisher: Good Books
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781680990348
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Developmental Psychology
• Index: Psychology

What is life like for a child who has a parent in prison? This book brings together photographic portraits of 30 children whose parents are incarcerated, along with their thoughts and reflections, in their own words. As Taylor says, "I want other kids to know that, even though your parents are locked up, they're not bad people. "And I want them to know that we'll get through it. As long as we have someone there to help us, we can get through it. It makes you stronger." The material in "What Will Happen to Me?" has been gathered and written by two nationally-recognized experts. Howard Zehr is known around the world as the "grandfather of restorative justice." He lectures and consults internationally on that topic and related issues. He is currently a member of the Victims Advisory Group of the U.S. Sentencing Commission. Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz travels the U.S. doing mediation work in severe crime cases. She provides consulting and training for agencies and communities seeking to implement programs of restorative justice. This book of portraits and text includes: Reflections of several grandparents who are unexpectedly parenting children whose parents are incarcerated. "Ten Questions Often Asked by Children." "Dealing with Emotions"—including grief and loss, shame and stigma, anger and isolation. Resources for "Staying in Touch, " "Finding Moments of Celebration, " "Adjusting to a Parent's Return, " "Self-Care for Family Caregivers, " and "Suggestions for Third-Party Caregivers." "The Children's Bill of Rights, " along with thoughtful consideration about how to apply restorative justice and respect for relationships in these difficult situations.

PART I

The Children

“These children have committed no crime, but the price they are forced to pay is steep. They forfeit, too, much of what matters to them: their homes, their safety, their public status and private self-image, their primary source of comfort and affection. Their lives are profoundly affected . . .”

– Nell Bernstein, All Alone in the World

NYVEAH WITH PRESTON

Can I give Daddy a hug? I wanna give Daddy a hug!

JACOB

JACOB: Mommy, remember when you was in jail? I was really, really sad. Sad that you didn’t come home. I love you.

LISA, JACOB’S MOTHER: I’m very lucky and fortunate. I mean, this kid loves me! He won’t let me out of his sight. He says, “Mama, why did you go to jail?” I say, “I wasn’t being good, Jacob; that’s what happens.”

We didn’t even know why she left. They just came and got her. My grandma came to school and got us. She didn’t explain nothing. My dad went into prison not too much after that. That’s my stepdad. And then my auntie went in. They all went in on the same charges.

It was hard for me because I had to change schools. I had to make new friends. It was very hard, and then my family was dying, and it was hard on me ’cause I couldn’t go to their funerals. They had no way to get us up there.

It was really hard. Everybody else, they got their moms and their dads. My mom wasn’t with me, to be there for my games and stuff, to watch me. She was there before when she was out; she was there for me all the time. Most of my friends, they didn’t understand it, they were like, “What’s going on?” It’s something I really don’t talk about.

Visiting was hard ’cause you know you’re leaving and your mom’s not leaving with you.

Now that my mom’s out we can do things. She can be there for me, she can take me places, get clothes, you know, do what moms do. Now I can go see my family, visit and go to family reunions, go to my family funerals when they die.

AMNESSIA

AMNESSIA

My father was locked up 15 years. I asked my mom and stepdad about it. The answers I got said it was something serious, but they weren’t going to tell me about it. I waited for them to say something, but they never did. To this day I fear that it could happen to me. If what happened to him happens to me, will I react the same way and put myself in the same position?

Growing up was kinda lonely. My father wrote me letters, but I just skimmed them. It was like he was a stranger—like, who is this guy, sending these letters? I knew he was my dad, but. . . . If I had known the truth, it probably would’ve made me more interested in reading the letters.

Having my father in prison changed my life by causing me to be by myself more. And it made me get involved; I try to do things for other people rather than myself. It’s almost like A.D.D. I have to do something, I have to try to achieve more.

Why am I doing this all? You feel like there’s a deeper problem or issue that you gotta solve, but you can’t figure out what it is. It’s hard to get at the roots of it. Maybe one day I’ll find out the meaning of all this, why he got locked up and stuff like that. One day it’s gonna unravel and I’ll find out why. And hopefully make my life better.

JERMAINE

JERMAINE

TIEANA

My dad was gone for about three years. They said he was in college. Every time he was gone he always talked to me and wrote me letters and everything. He’s a good artist, and every time he wrote me a letter, he drew something in it. One time he drew me a mermaid, and it was really good.

I miss my mom, and I don’t know where she is. I just worry ’cause something might happen to her, and I will never know because she doesn’t call or anything.

I like living with my grandparents. They spoil me. They give me things like a piano. I’ve been playing since second grade. I’m happy.

JALON

My grandma filled in for my mom until she came back. So she was kind of acting like my mom. When my mom was gone, I’d cry myself to sleep.

I don’t really know my dad. He’s still alive but, I wonder, is he getting hurt in jail or something like that? I want him back so I can be with him.

I want them around so we could have a family.

JASMINE

I felt so sad. I was just crying. It just made my head hurt, my brain hurt, my stomach hurt. It just got control of me. It got my mind twisted. I couldn’t focus on anything else. . . .

A whole lot of days I couldn’t go to sleep without my mom. I had some bad dreams, so my daddy gave me an invisible necklace.

It helped me dream about my mom. I had a dream that she had come back. I was walking, I opened my eyes and saw my mom, and I grabbed her.

I couldn’t live without her. It was like a curse. It was like a prison. I’m just glad she’s back now.

SHAUN

I didn’t go along to visit last time. I wanted to play with my friends that day. I was a little bit angry ’cause she’s been there so many times. I want her to get out.

I was three when he got locked up. I have some memories—we were at the circus and we were riding on an elephant. It had to be a dream.

When he was in prison I had this grudge against him for not being here for me. When I finally got a chance to talk to him, and he let me know what really happened, I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” I had jumped to so many conclusions. I had a newfound respect for him, and I realized he really did love me.

Sometimes now I dream about a situation that has happened to me. I know he wasn’t there, but he’ll be there this time. He’ll be talking to me, like my conscience. He’ll talk me through it. He’ll be the person that takes the mask off everything and tells me how it really is.

SASHA

Sasha’s father was on death row. His conviction was overturned and he was released, but he died five years later of untreated hepatitis.

SASHA

When I first went down to the prison, it was real hard being able to hug my mama and touch her and then not take her with me. It was hard. We all cried, but now I’m just used to it. But I miss my mama and I need her.

I really had to be the mama for my sisters. I wanted things to be right for them. My aunt says I’ve never really been able to be a child. Now that I’m 18, it’s just like I’m 21 or something. It’s like I’m still older than I really am. Now my aunt says I should be able to have a little bit of that childhood that I never got to have back then.

I used to be ashamed to say my mom is in prison. But then my auntie told me that it’s not my fault. So it’s nothing I should be ashamed of. It’s nothing I did.

I do have a friend—she goes to the same school—and her mama and my mama are down there together. I can talk to her ’cause she knows how I’m feeling inside. She’s been there.

I’ll probably have kids by the time she gets out. Taking them to the jailhouse—that’s not where I want them to remember her from.

I just want people to be proud of me. That’s why I keep going. I’m a very cheerful person. They say at school that I just brighten up people’s day.

DEEDEE

DEEDEE

LATRELL

I don’t really talk about it.

Latrell’s father, whom he never met and only spoke to once on the phone, is in prison. His stepfather has been in and out of prison, and his mother, who was also in prison, died recently of a drug overdose. He lives with his grandmother.

TYLER

I like to visit my mother. I write to her sometimes. I keep the letters. She draws pictures and Grandma keeps them for me.

I’d rather not talk to others at school about it.

I was three when my mom went in. And then my dad wen...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Acknowledgments
• Copyright
• Table of Contents
• A Few Words to Begin
• Part I: The Children
• Part II: For Caregivers
• Part III: A Matter of Justice
• Appendix
• Suggested Resources
• Endnotes
• About the Authors and Photographer