The Art of Conversation

Change Your Life with Confident Communication

Judy Apps

• Publisher: Capstone
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9780857085399
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Communication & Public Speaking

Good conversation is at the heart of networking, meetings, interviews, negotiations and raising your profile. It can ease your way in work, enabling you to build alliances, create strong relationships with staff, bosses and clients, succeed at interviews, motivate and inspire.

But conversation is something most of us were never taught! We learn to speak as babies, but how conversation actually works is something most of us pick up only haphazardly, and many have yet to learn. Why is it some of us are stuck for words, but others blabber or can't stop? What is it that some people have naturally which enables them to converse comfortably and easily, to engage people and build better relationships?

The Art of Conversation will show you step by step how to converse skillfully and enjoyably with other people, at home, at work, on the phone and in the street- even if you're daunted now, discover the difference good conversation can make in every aspect of your life. Learn to:

-Overcome the most common block to good conversation- fear; find out how to break the silence and keep the conversation going

- Understand the different types of conversation and how they work- which topics and language are suitable for the occasion

- Learn simple methods for being heard and understood, including speaking clearly and audibly, listening well and using non-verbal communication

- Find out how to hold a conversation in tricky situations, including how to disagree, how to speak to those in authority and people you find difficult

-Use conversation to form relationships, improve friendships, make the sale, chat people up, to learn, influence and persuade.

Part One
Introducing Conversation

1
The Dance of Conversation

“Conversationally, we were Fred and Ginger – spin, slide, shuffle, bend.”

– Marisa de los Santos

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I remember one Christmas, at about 8-years-old, suddenly finding myself alone for a moment in a room with an uncle I rarely met and being completely tongue-tied. What on earth could I say? I think he must have felt the same, for the silence seemed to go on and on. I can still remember my acute embarrassment. You may have examples of your own from social occasions, networking events or other one-to-one encounters, where the awkwardness that crept into the situation stole every thought from your head. I just couldn't figure out how conversation worked. What did one say?

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1.1 A Dance for Two

Conversation is clearly about talking, but talking doesn't make a conversation. George Bernard Shaw once commented to a young lady that she had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech! If everyone talks incessantly without listening to anyone else, there's no conversation. It's just people talking one after another or, more often, one over another. You've probably found yourself in a group at some time where everyone's busy expressing opinions and no one's listening to anyone else. It isn't a very satisfying experience.

The word “conversation” is made up of con, “with” and versare, “turn”. Conversation is turn and turn about – you alternate.

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Conversation is all about taking turns. It's a dialogue, not a monologue. You share the talking time; you also listen and acknowledge.

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One person may talk more than another, just as in a dance one person may perform more complicated steps than another, but there's equality in conversation. It's very hard to have a good conversation with someone who intimidates or patronizes you or with someone who is intimidated by you.

The to and fro of a good conversation feels easy and natural, with both parties taking part and responding spontaneously to each other. Mme de Staël, a great French conversationalist of the eighteenth century, described conversation as a means of “reciprocally and rapidly giving one another pleasure; of speaking just as quickly as one thinks; of spontaneously enjoying one's self”.

In the dance of conversation, both players take part in the steps of the dance with their thoughts, feelings and body language. You don't shut down your listening to think of what to say next or to make unspoken comments internally. The dance doesn't stop. The art is as much in drawing out the other person as in airing your own thoughts and opinions. There's mutual respect for each other – I'm okay, you're okay. In most conversations you don't make it deliberately difficult for the other person to dance their steps – you facilitate their moves, even when they appear clumsy.

When musicians and actors want to describe a particularly satisfying performance, they often call it a “conversation” to describe the feeling of connection that travels both ways. “My stand-up is quite good now – it's just like a big conversation each time”, says the comedian Eddie Izzard. “A good quartet is like a good conversation among friends interacting to each other's ideas”, suggests the saxophonist Stan Getz. “When I play live, it's a conversation that we're all having with the song”, says the singer–songwriter Tori Amos.

A Subtle Human Art

Like music, good conversation is a subtle art. When you converse with someone, you are doing many things simultaneously. You are listening to what the other person has to say, while picking up the nuances of voice tone and the clues in their appearance and body language, and at the same time you are in a state of readiness to respond easily and naturally with words of your own. No wonder doing it well takes practice!

In 1950, the computer scientist Alan Turing tested to what extent computers could learn how to converse naturally. He published a paper on artificial intelligence, Computing Machinery and Intelligence, in which he described a test where a subject attempts to have a conversation with a computer. The computer would be said to “think” if its responses in conversation resembled those of a real human being. Anyone who tries the test finds it doesn't take more than a few words before you know it's a machine!

Here is a transcription of a test conversation I had with the computer. The computer is called Eliza, and “she” begins the conversation.

ELIZA:	Is something troubling you?
ME:	Well, yes it is.
ELIZA:	You seem to be quite positive.
ME:	Not at all. I've just said something is troubling me.
ELIZA:	That's quite interesting.
ME:	Well, do you want to hear what it is?
ELIZA:	You're not really talking about me – are you?
ME:	No, I'm trying to tell you about my troubles if you'll just listen!
ELIZA:	Why “no”?
ME:	(reacting in frustration, even though I knew it was a machine!) Oh, ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Table of Contents
• Endorsements
• Title page
• Copyright page
• Preface
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Part One: Introducing Conversation
• Part Two: The Power of Conversation
• Part Three: Sailing Through Tricky Waters
• Part Four: Creative Conversations
• About the Author
• Image Credits
• Index
• End User License Agreement